Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

errands and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errands and therapy

I woke up at 0300 in pain and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I thought about staying up but it was too early to be up all day. So I went back to sleep around 0600 only to wake up about three hours later. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I thought about cancelling therapy or at least rescheduling but I didn’t. I took a shower and that further exhausted me. I rested for a bit. I had to go to the bank and drop off my jeans to the tailors to be fixed.

I got dressed and made my way to the bank. It was slow going and I had to stop at the bus stop to rest for a few minutes. I went to the bank and did what I had to do. I then walked down to the tailor’s shop about three blocks away. I was getting so tired, I didn’t think I was going to make it home. I dropped off my jeans and had to register for the computer system. It’s been a long while since I was last there. I walked home and at another bus stop, I stopped to rest for a few minutes. I came home and was dragging. I didn’t want to go back out. I just wanted to nap the rest of the day. My legs were killing me. My ankle was sore (bad one). I finally managed to get to my room and I crashed. I drank an Ensure with my pain meds and tried to nap. Course, it was close to the time I had to leave so I couldn’t fall asleep. I just rested for about a half hour.

I got dressed again and went to the bus stop to go to the Square. My Bluetooth headphones were giving me grief. They kept on skipping while playing the songs. I tried everything I knew and nothing was working. I went to my bank to deposit the money I took from the other bank. I had to pay a bill. I went to Starbucks and got my espresso. I didn’t feel like having anything else. I uninstalled the MP3 player, thinking it was the reason the songs were skipping. I installed a new music player and was having the same issue. Now it was either the connection or the headphones. I was too tired to figure it out. I wrote in my journal and then left for therapy.

I am starting to think this guy is not for me. We are just talking and it doesn’t seem like he cares at all about my problems or suicidality. I discussed the blog post I wrote yesterday about the new diagnosis and told him it fits me. We talked about it but didn’t. He noticed my mood was low and I told him I was frustrated because I now have to wear diapers, my family isn’t supportive around my medical or psych issues, and I just want to kill myself for the hell of it. Some how we ended up talking about baseball and the session was over. See you next week. Meanwhile I am wondering what the hell just happened. I am getting frustrated by this guy. He doesn’t want to use any psychometrics or assessments in my suicidality. I am having a hard time with this.

I left his office feeling like “what the fuck am I doing”? I was really hungry. I have been on this liquid protein diet all day but didn’t have any protein other than the soy I put in my espresso. I couldn’t decide if I wanted a burrito or not. The bus came so I just went home. I restarted my phone and the Bluetooth glitch fixed itself. I went to Walgreens because my mother wanted a few items that were on sale. I got a protein bar so I wouldn’t cheat on my diet. I ate it on the way home and then had another Ensure. I am feeling full and sleepy right now. I met the protein requirement for the day with 40 calories to spare. I’m taking my meds early and going to try and sleep early. I just hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night in pain, again. I knew it was going to throw me off. But I did a lot despite being sleep deprived. Tomorrow I am just going to rest (or try to). I am in a lot of pain right now as my ankle is screaming at me. If I hit being overtired, I am screwed.

trying something different

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trying something different

I woke up in pain again around 0630. I took some pain meds and so far, I don’t seem to be needing anymore for the time being. I went back to sleep a few hours later. When I got up, I decided I was going to try the liquid protein diet again. So I had a drink and then made coffee. The coffee came out a little weak because I put too much water. I hate when I do that. I am going to try and stick with this diet. If I can make it all week on it, I will try it next week or until I run out of protein drinks. I have gained four pounds so I am hoping to lose that and a little more. It is hard to lose but I hope I can stay on this course. It’s my second attempt at this as the first time didn’t work out as well.

Allergies are really bad today. I am congested and sneezing a lot. I am going to try and work on my paper. I am going to try and read it and see what information I can pull from it. The one piece of information I was waiting on from the author of the paper wrote back to me so I will include that in my analysis.

It’s another nice day. I opened the back door. My mother needs to have the screen doors repaired as they are getting more patched up than screened. Every time it rains, the patches blow away as they are just stuck on with tape-like thing.

I got my favorite country radio station playing on my Kindle. I really want to go back to sleep but I am going to try and avoid it. I need to write like a bullet point for this blog and then write up some things that I want to work on with my therapist. I was thinking of them last night as I was drifting off to sleep. There are about three or four things I really want to work on. I am kind of scared because I am not used to asking what I want from therapy. I just expect the therapist to know after I talk for a little bit. But the last few sessions haven’t left me feeling like anything is happening other than me rattling off my history and how bad my childhood was.

My new Depends underwear came in so I will start wearing them tomorrow. I got a couple samples in the package with a coupon. I’ll take a shower tonight. I just hope they fit me. I have a huge package so if they don’t fit, I am screwed. I hate that it has come to this. I have stopped one of my medications. I am not taking it this week and see how my bladder does.

in a lot of pain with no end in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a lot of pain with no end in sight

I woke up around 0630 with my foot hurting. I took some pain meds and then made coffee. I wanted to go to the Museum of Fine Arts today but that isn’t happening. I also wanted to take my jeans with the broken zipper to be fixed but that isn’t happening either. I heard a crash downstairs and when I rushed to check on my mother, pain was all that I felt. I am fucking miserable.

I guess low key activities are in order today. I will be reading the article I want to blog about sometime today provided the two pain pills I took doesn’t leave me higher than a kite. I had to take 2 because the pain is just so severe. I had taken one about half an hour ago and the pain got worse when I went to lie down. I want to nap but it just doesn’t seem that is going to happen. The pain is just throbbing so damn bad. I fucking hate when I wake up with pain because I have no idea if it is going to get worse with me moving around or not. Seems that moving around is not a good thing to do today.

I also plan on reading some more of the Robert Lowell book. I have like 9 chapters left to read so I am getting there. I am half way through Huck Finn and a friend gave me a book about Maya the bee or something like that. That is on my next book to read list. I don’t know when I will read Dostoevsky. I still haven’t finished Brothers Karamazov. I am close to finishing that one but it just drags on and on. If it was a regular book, I could see my progress but it’s on a Kindle so I have no idea how long the chapter is or how much more I need to read. Very frustrating.

I have another headache today. I think the new pillows are hurting me. One already got flat and the other is big and fluffy. I haven’t decided which one I like better. Neither helps my ankle/foot/toes pain. I am just in a bitter mood today. I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’d like to make pancakes but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen either. I had a donut and a fiber one bar with my coffee, but that was like 3 hours ago. Maybe I will wait a little and make hot dogs. Sox game is on at 2. I have no idea who is pitching. I haven’t seen the lineup posted, though I haven’t been on Twitter much today. They lost last night.

It’s a good day today, 64 degrees. I hate that I am cooped up inside because of pain. Maybe if the strong pain pills work and don’t knock me out, I can go and get my jeans fixed later this afternoon. Just sucks that I am in fucking pain. I hate it. It just stresses me out. Starting to feel the effects of my meds. Better go make some hot dogs before I pass out…

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.