Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Painful emotional Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful emotional Monday

I woke up before my alarm and felt sick. My stomach was bothering me and I just didn’t have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and almost vomited. Was not going to brush my teeth then! I knew if I did, I would only puke some more. I went upstairs and set my alarm for another hour and tried to sleep. My mother got up and all hopes for sleeping went out the window. The TV was loud and then she played her dice game. I took some stomach medicine and shut my alarm off. I really wanted to cancel my psych appointment but I told my lab friends I would be by to clean out my locker.

I managed about an hours sleep and then had to run for the bus. The homeless man that is in my neighborhood started talking to me and this lady that sat next to me on the bench. I wasn’t paying attention to the bus and we almost missed it. I would have cursed him if the bus went by. My stomach was still not doing well but I had my espresso with soy milk anyways. I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare.

I told my doc about what went on this weekend with Amy Bleuel. She had seen the tattoos but didn’t know what they meant. I explained what they were about and that she died by suicide. I also said that I think the same fate is for me, even though I wasn’t suicidal at this time. It was tough to talk about my feeling about this with her but she didn’t judge me or freak out so it felt good to share my thoughts on the matter. She is trying to find a therapist for me and will be in touch when some names are given to her. No one at the hospital she is at does therapy. For the number one hospital in psychiatry in the country, I find this hard to believe. Apparently, they just do meds. Very unusual.

I left to go to the lab to see my former co-workers. It was sad being there. Some people I haven’t seen in a while and others I have seen whenever I visit. I found out a friend just had surgery so I will be calling her later today. I hope she picks up. I emptied my locker. It was junk, most of it. I found a video I had totally forgotten about, The Importance of Being Ernest. It’s one of my favorite movies. A few books were there. I thought one of them was a book on baseball cards but it was on stamps. I tossed it in my recycle bin when I came home. It was almost 20 years old so it was out of date.

I stood the whole time I was in the lab. My ankle and foot did not like that at all. I was getting thirsty just talking the whole time, too. I had to get something to drink so I went to CVS and got a vitamin water. I would have bought just water but they didn’t have a small size just big bottles. I didn’t want a big one. I was hurting all the way home. I am glad I came home when I did because I had gas really bad. I trusted a fart and that was it, I shit my pants. I still had my jeans on so I am glad I wasn’t sitting on my bed. I went downstairs and had my mother help me undress. She was shocked I shit myself. I didn’t even feel it until it was too late. Something just didn’t agree with my stomach. I have been crapping water the past hour so I will be drinking powerade so I don’t get dehydrated. I took some Imodium. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the espresso. I didn’t have time for a sandwich so I don’t know why my stomach is against me. I feel so downhearted because I shit myself. Damn nerve damage. I am glad I was home though. Crapping outside would have killed me.

I took a shower after I clean up the bathroom and my pants. It felt good to shower. My stomach still isn’t settled and my arse is sore. I hope the Imodium kicks in soon. I feel so humiliated. My ankle is hurting a lot because I keep having to go up and down the stairs. I know tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure. I won’t be taking senna tonight, that is for sure. I still need to brush my teeth but I am feeling nauseous. Maybe I will later when my stomach settles down a bit.

My mother told me she is going to my Aunt’s because it’s my cousin’s birthday. I am on my own for supper. I might order pizza. I wanted to have Thai food from Boston but I forgot to order it before leaving the hospital. I just had eyes set on going home. I am really tired and my ankle is really hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill tonight. I was going to take one this afternoon but I don’t want to be drugged going up and down stairs with my bowels being unpredictable. It’s weird I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am not hungry. Maybe I am getting sick of some kind. I just know the bowel incidents have left me feeling weak. I think I will take a nap and then order food.

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Night

My legs finally stopped twitching. I had to take a Benadryl and some Ativan to quiet it down. It was awful because it felt like my whole body was twitching even though it was just my legs. It was really uncomfortable. I walked around my room to give me something to do. I then had to use the bathroom and when I came back to my room, it was a little better. My ankle is sore now so I took my pain meds. I was hoping to go back to sleep but I am too keyed up.

I might read a little bit. I am in the middle of a chapter in Robert Lowell again. I was reading for about 45 minutes the other day and couldn’t finish the chapter. It kept talking around in circles, again. This book is really trying my patience. I have about 200 pages or so to read, which isn’t bad, if I keep reading it. I am more than half way through the book.

I am kind of mad at myself for not getting my new topper on my bed. I should give myself some slack because I didn’t feel well most of the day. Tomorrow I need to see my psychiatrist and I need to leave early. I hope I remember the cake that I want to share with her. Think I will set my alarm so I don’t over sleep.

Tomorrow is Opening Day at Fenway. Can’t believe baseball season starts already. It’s a day game so I think I will miss most of it because I will be in town. I think I will get Thai food so that I will have dinner for tomorrow night. My mother doesn’t like it so more for me. I’ll also get spring rolls as I absolutely love them. I also need to go to the lab to pick up my belongings. It’s going to be sad because this means I am really out of my job, finally. I wish things could be different. But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.

Saturday blog 80

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 80

Well, after a month of having to manually adjust my setting on word to have borders, I finally fixed it so that I no longer have to do that. I am so relieved because it was a pain in the ass to do that on every document.

Today was my brother in law’s birthday party. I lasted as long as my pain allowed me to and then I returned to my “cave”. The pain exploded soon as I came back to my room. It was so bad, I thought I was going to cry. I took my pain meds and might have to take my strong pain pill because I am hurting way too much. I stood just a little bit too long.

The party was the usual crowd, which consisted of my street neighbors and family. My niece brought her friends over and I was kind of shocked that her best friend was gay. She had a girlfriend over the house and was showering her with affection. I just shook my head.

I was talking with a friend of mine on Facebook messenger before the party. Actually, I was talking to a bunch of friends on messenger today, all at around the same time. It was weird as I usually don’t have more than one conversation going at a time. Anyways, my friend from Texas and I were talking because she had post something about Amy Bleuel, the founder of Project Semicolon, and I had written something about it on her post. She wanted me to know that she was there for me should I need her. I thought it was kind of her to reach out to me. She knows of my history and that have suicidal tendencies. I told her that I was having trouble finding a therapist because most are not taking new clients, least the ones that I have called. I would be doing okay if I had someone to talk to about my pain every week and ways in dealing with it. It’s hard when you no longer have a support to talk to anymore.

I took a shower when I got up this afternoon. I bought a new shampoo and wanted to try it. It’s supposed to help dry hair. I hope it alleviates some of the itchiness I get because my hair is so dry.

snow came early so no cereal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snow came early so no cereal

The weatherman said that we were supposed to get snow tonight and it came around noon. Fuck. I should have left my house and went to the store to get my Cocoa Pebbles when I had the chance. I was up early this morning, around 0630 and fell back to sleep around 0900. It was sunny then.

My psychiatrist called me back late last night. She apologized as she meant to call me but there was no private space she could talk as she was in the ED all day. She doesn’t want me to feel discouraged about not finding a therapist and that she will find one for me. She also said not to give up. Sorry but I feel that way as I have no fucking luck with therapists. She also reschedule my appointment for today. I will see her on Monday. I had a feeling she was going to reschedule the appt.

When I got up, I had a ton of messages. Today is Transvisibility day so I came out on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I could come out to my mother so I can start my transition but I am too afraid of rejection by her that it might bring me to suicidal crisis. I got a ton of support from my Facebook friends. I haven’t had too many responses on Twitter, which isn’t unusual.

For those that know about Project Semicolon, the founder, Amy Bleuel, ended up dying by suicide last week. It has affected the entire suicide prevention community, including me. I wrote somethings on Twitter about how it affected me. I just wonder if the same fate is in my future. I have been suicidal a ton of times but luckily, I have not tried to attempt. I might have planned my death more than a few times but it gives me comfort more than a way out, so to speak. I told readers this and that if they didn’t know it, they should, especially if they were in the suicide prevention field. I usually don’t give out numbers because my blog is read internationally, but if you are in the US and have thoughts of suicide, you can talk to someone confidentially at 1-800-273-8255 or text the word “help” to 741741. I have used the Crisis text line more than once and find it helpful, once you get someone. Sometimes depending on the time of day, it’s difficult to reach someone but don’t give up. They usually get back to you, eventually.

I hate that I have to wait till Monday to talk to my psychiatrist because I am having trouble with my bladder. Since I have been using my strong pain meds more frequently, I have trouble urinating where starting is not so easy. It take a long while for me to know when I need to pee thanks to my nerve injury but the retention also makes me leak more which I don’t know about until I get the signal to pee and am in the bathroom. It upsets me because I will be wet and not feel it. I then have to shower or change my underwear because I don’t want to smell of urine. It’s just troubling me because it’s been going on all week and it’s been a few days since I last took a dose of strong pain meds. It could be the trilafon causing this as well as I have been on it for so long now. I’d just feel better if I had some input about it. My stream is okay and I am feeling like I do empty my bladder so I am not worried that I need to see a urologist but I might have to, which will suck. I know he will just tell me I have neurogenic bladder and to just deal with it. Not exactly reassuring.