Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Random 662

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have taken all the pain meds that I can tonight and although I have some relief, I am not 100%. I have decided that if I am not in as much pain tomorrow and can walk, I will go to Chipotle and get a burrito. Lately, the burrito has become my comfort food. I don’t know how this happened but it has. I suppose I could have worse things in life.

I was able to have some Oreos and milk tonight. I really wanted to have it as I kind of didn’t have dinner tonight. I had some cereal for my breakfast when I got up around 1 and then I had a tuna sandwich about an hour or two later. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams. I don’t remember them but one of them was about Stargate SG1. That was getting to be a fun dream before I woke up because my crazy fucking cousin kept calling me. He wanted to talk. I told him I was sleeping and he thought I was at Starbucks. Idiot. I was supposed to call him later tonight but I forgot. I will call him tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow or should I say, later today. Actually, it’s in 12 hours from now. I can’t really sleep because music is playing in my head. The music keep shuffling the different songs. It is annoying the crap out of me because I really want to sleep. I have already taken my trilafon, but it doesn’t help with the music running through my head. Nothing helps it.

Sox won tonight. They keep on talking about the “magic” number being 9 but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means they will win the division or be secured in the playoffs or what. There aren’t that many games left in September so I’m guessing it’s to secure the AL East division or clinch the playoff birth.

My therapist doesn’t know about my CBT plans yet. I will tell her if it goes through. Right now my plans to kill myself are still on the table. I can’t let it go because it is what I feel I have to do. The thoughts are slowly fading so it’s not so pressing that I need to go through with it. But I like keeping that option open just in case. I just hope my therapy with my therapist doesn’t interfere with the CBT process. That will just suck. I can’t imagine that it will though because it’s a specific form of therapy and it’s different than what my therapist practices. I just hope it’s not more than once a week because that will be a lot of therapy.

I’m falling asleep so I guess the meds are kicking in right now. Peace.

Post 1952

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1952

Not having a good day. Every time I wake up, I am in a lot of pain. My ankle is hurting severely and I only have left my bed to use the bathroom and get something to eat. If I dare move it, it cramps up on me. It’s driving me crazy.

Last night I went to chat and had to restart the laptop because I was having connectivity issues with the internet. In doing so I lost the page which had the CBT number for me to call. I called and left a message today after I used Google to find it again. To my surprise, they called me back today, about two hours later. They asked a bunch of questions and then said that the clinical director would get back in a few days to set up an appointment and such. I could hear back from them by the end of the week.

Our hot water tank is leaking so we have no hot water until it gets fixed or replaced. If I need to shower, I’d have to use my sister’s bathroom on the first floor. Given my current pain issues, that poses a problem as stairs kill me right now. So I will just go without a shower for the next few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning but it only caused me pain. I might have to take the strong pain pills tonight if this doesn’t let up.

Sox are playing in Baltimore tonight. I will follow them until I pass out again. I am not too interested in the game today. Last night I started reading “Dark Tide”. It’s a book about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. This massive molasses tank collapsed and millions of gallons of molasses spilled all over Boston’s North End. Apparently, there were problems in construction and the head business guy that wanted the project done fast never properly tested the tank. They didn’t have OSHA back in those days. It’s pretty interesting and I am liking the book a lot.

I also read a few chapters of Dostoevsky. I am now in the 9th book in Brothers Karamazov. I think there are 12 books total so I am close to being done. I think I have like 30 chapters or so left to read. Some are short and others are long. I can’t wait till I finish. I was hoping to read “Crime and Punishment”, but I think I am going to take a Dostoevsky break. I have been reading him for most of the year. When I started reading earlier this year, I didn’t expect my depression to get so bad nor my father to die in the midst of my depression being so deep.

Sunday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20

I totally got the times for today’s games all messed up. I knew the Sox game was in the evening and I also thought the Pats game was, too. Fortunately, the Pats were on at 1 so I could watch both games without having to switch channels.

My mother made a gravy today. It smelled so nice. I love the smell of Sunday gravy. While I was watching the game, I was stirring it occasionally. The meat wasn’t done yet so I didn’t have any. But it smelled awesome. Then while we were finished with dinner, I went to throw away some napkins. I literally took about 1 and a half steps when my ankle got into intense pain. I couldn’t move or stand on my left foot. I hobbled back to my chair and sat for a few minutes. It wasn’t passing so I then hobbled to my room upstairs. My ankle didn’t like it one bit but I was hot and needed to rest the damn thing. I couldn’t do that from the kitchen. Fucker that it is.

I put the AC on in my room and tried to rest it when I realized I hadn’t filled my med box for the week. I took some pain pills and waited a little bit. I was really sleepy and wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to fill my box despite the pain. I was careful not to put my full weight on my foot and I was close to the bed so I could lean on it. My ankle has been kind of bothering me most of the day but it just got worse when I went to throw out those napkins. I guess the walk I took yesterday really messed up my ankle and I didn’t realize it. Oh well. Guess I won’t be going to the MFA this week like I was hoping to.

I don’t understand how my ankle gave out on me as I really didn’t do anything today. I took a nap for most of the afternoon during halftime that just leaked over to the rest of the game. The Pats had the lead and I was sure they would have the win, even though in the last quarter was a little hairy. My sister was panicking and having heart attacks. I was glad I didn’t watch it.

Now I just got to wait an hour before the Sox game starts. I don’t know if I am going to be up because of the meds I took. I also had to take an Ativan because of cramping. It may or may not knock me out. I am frustrated that I am in pain for no reason. I could see if I did something to cause myself pain, but I really didn’t do anything I don’t normally do. Carrying a napkin isn’t heavy and I didn’t walk far to the barrel. It’s just so annoying.

Ankle Chronicles 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle Chronicles 13

It’s after midnight and I can’t seem to settle down. And it’s not because the Sox won tonight. I wish it was from my excitement but the game ended like two hours ago. Nope, I am up because of pain. My foot started hurting me and the pain has now spread to my toes. It’s excruciating. I just took some Neurontin and some pain meds. I have to wait for them to kick in before I can think about lying down.

I think it’s time I try something like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help me deal with pain. It’s not a cure but it might help me manage in better ways. There was a place in Brookline but they don’t accept chronic mentally ill patients like me, specifically those that have suffered any type of abuse or need long term care. So I am going to try and find a therapist where my psychiatrist works. I have to call the intake and be put on the “CBT wait list”. I don’t know how long that will be. I have no idea how this is going to do down. I am going to have to enlist the help of my psych to see if she can expedite the process. CBT is not something I believe in, but it has been shown to help those with chronic pain, so I might as well try it again. I just hope it isn’t a bunch of paperwork and shit. I can’t imagine filling out papers while in the middle of a flare up. I already want to rip what little hair I have on my head (I have short hair) or cut off my damn ankle.

If the list is a long wait, I might not last. I have 3 weeks before my death date comes. I am willing to postpone it if the wait is not longer than say two months. I don’t think I can hold out longer than that as the flare ups have become so unbearable. I hope that my suicidality doesn’t hinder me getting in to see someone. That will really fucking suck and I will feel so dejected. I also hope that because I have an established therapist, they don’t say see ya. This is a specific treatment and one I am willing to give a try if they will just give me a chance. I am really nervous about this because it has been so long since I have gone through an intake process. That is why I am hoping my psych can help with the process a little bit.

I am so damn tired and really want to lie down and sleep. But I know that if I lie down, the pain could get worse and then I will have to sit up again. I kind of wait until I can no longer keep my eyes open and then I lie down. I am usually out by that time. I don’t really sleep very well or very long, but it beats having to lie down and then sit up. It’s a game I play most nights and it’s not fun. It drives the voices crazy because they want to keep talking to me and if I keep popping up, they want to talk more. Or the music in my head gets really loud and I have to play music to drown it out, which then keeps me up for at least another hour or so.

I can’t escape this stupidity. It drives the suicidality all the more because I just want to escape from it all. The pain, the voices, the depression, everything. I was writing to a friend about my troubles and she said that I need to do something, like get involved in something or get a pet. I couldn’t handle being responsible for a pet. It’s a big responsibility, even if my mother allowed it to happen. I know my friend meant well and all, but she just wants me to stick around for a long time. She also doesn’t want to lose me. She understands my suicidality. She knows that my suicidal ideation is not over something trivial.