Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

TG Issues 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

TG Issues 8

The past few days my mother has been calling me “miss” or “Missy” to get my attention. I find it totally disrespectful. I am hurt that she calls me these names and she does it in a tone that I find so annoying. I almost said something today but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for fear of WWIII starting. My sisters are not in town so I wouldn’t have their support. It would be tough to talk to her about this without them here. I just am extremely upset about it and don’t know what to do.

I have thought about calling a transline hotline but I am not in crisis. I just want to talk to another TG person who understands what I am going through and might be able to help me. I feel like such a shit for not standing up for myself but this is my mother and I don’t want to hurt her. If it was anyone else, I probably would say something.

I’m feeling really frustrated by this and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I will have a therapy session with my therapist tomorrow so the next time we speak won’t be until Tuesday. I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep, which I might do pretty soon. All I have been doing most of the day is sleeping.

I am still having the pain around my waist. I don’t know what is causing it at this point. It’s going away but not at a fast enough pace for me. The rain isn’t helping, either.

Pain Insomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Pain insomnia

I never wanted to believe in this phenomena called “Pain Insomnia” because I feared it would happen to me if I did. Well, it’s happened. It’s after midnight and I am not sleeping because of pain. I am still listening to music but my foot and ankle are having a war as to which is going to hurt me more. So far my ankle is winning.

I started writing in my journal. I figure that would help me sleep. But nope, it didn’t. I wrote out my “suicide note” in my journal so in case someone reads it should I die they know they aren’t to blame for my death. I have tried everything I could to keep going but the pain is just too much. I just keep on taking pills left and right and that is not the kind of life I want to live. It’s bad enough this pain took away my jobs, my walking ability, basically my dignity. And still no one knows why I am in pain. Some docs have given me the elusive diagnosis of “complex regional pain syndrome” but I don’t fully meet the criteria for that because I don’t have color changes. I just have pain. All the damn time. And it’s worse at night so no doc can see what it is when I am not in the office during the day because that is not when I have pain.

My psychosis is not helping. I skipped a couple of doses and it caused the symptoms to return. Part of it is because my doc wants me on 1 dose a day but I need 2 a day to get relief. So I have this battle with the voices about taking my meds and it isn’t pretty. Mostly the battle is just take the bottle rather than a couple of pills. They don’t understand that by doing so, I might die. But they don’t care. Since when do auditory hallucinations care what you do when they command you to do something? They just want you to obey them. It’s gotten better now that I am back at 2 a day. I still get paranoid though. There was a guy at Starbucks today that was really antsy. I thought he could read what I was writing in my journal. Honestly, anyone that can read my handwriting, I give credit to. It’s complete chicken scratch.

My strong pain pills is ready to be picked up. I will head into Boston tomorrow and get it. I hope there isn’t a problem in the pharmacy. All this talk about opioid awareness has me wicked paranoid about filling my prescriptions. I haven’t had a problem but I don’t want there to be. It’s bad enough I have problems with my antipsychotic getting filled because of the new fucking system my hospital has, and that isn’t a controlled substance!

So while I wait for pain meds to make me sleepy or exhausted, I write till I am completely out of words. Insomnia sucks but pain insomnia is worse. One of my new Twitter follows was talking about how CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps those with chronic pain but her insurance doesn’t cover it. I find that very discriminatory. I wish I could help her with it. But I don’t know where she is in the world. Hell, I am even trying to get into a CBT program yet I haven’t been called yet. I was hoping to hear from them by the end of last week and here it is a week later and still no word. I just hope my suicidality doesn’t hold them back. I am always fearful about this. I have had so many therapists deny me their services because of my suicidal history.

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow to get pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. I like to bake and I have this new recipe. It looks easy enough. I want to bring them to my therapist when I see her on Tuesday. I also have an appointment with her on Monday. I hope it goes well. She knows that I am suicidal. We have been talking about it for the past couple of weeks. Seems I am more suicidal this time of year than at any other time. She wants me to see me through the new year but I think she is wasting her time with me. I just feel so awful and not sleeping doesn’t help matters.

I had picked a date but I don’t think I will go through with it. There are a few things I haven’t done yet that I want to do before I end things. I was hoping to do it this week but pain stopped me yet again. Next week I will be really busy so the things I need to do will have to be the following week. And again, it all depends on my pain levels to do these things. I hate that I have to be dependent on pain to basically tell me what I can and can’t do. It really sucks.

I remember the last time I visited my cousin in Washington, DC. We went to the Smithsonian and saw a few museums. It was really fun even though my camera wasn’t too cooperative. My leg flared up the next day and I was laid up for most of the weekend. I felt really bad because I couldn’t do anything but put my leg up. Some vacation that was. I stood too long and it just flared up pain in my ankle, much like it’s doing tonight, except I didn’t stand too much today. I did go up and down the stairs a few too many times though.

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.

bubbles, torments, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bubble, Torments, and Suicide

I don’t think I am going to get to sleep tonight. I am in severe pain again. I wish I could fall asleep like my body wants me to but my head and pain are keeping that from happening. I am not only in physical pain, but I am also in emotional pain. I have that darkness in my chest again and it’s weighing on me severely. It’s making things hard to see clearly. Everything is dark. I am again thinking of taking my life because of this darkness. I can see no other way through it, this time.
I have been taking my pain meds around the clock the last several days in an effort to control the physical pain. It works but soon as it wears off, I need to take another dose. Such it is with short acting medicines. I rather be on short acting ones than longer dose ones, though. I have been on long acting ones and frankly they messed me up more psychologically than my mental illness. I vowed never to go through that bullshit again. I will continue to take the short acting medicine because it is what I am used to and doesn’t hold that many side effects like it once did. I am used to it now.
Because it’s so late at night, the midnight demons have come out. I am again thinking of ending my life because that is what I think about at this hour. I can’t sleep because of pain, pain that the medicine can’t touch. The pain is called psychache, or emotional, psychological pain. There is no remedy for this pain. And it sucks. So, suicide becomes the method of choice to alleviate this pain. It doesn’t mean that I will act on it tonight. Far from it. Just thinking about ending my life and imagining about going through with it is enough to soothe the demons. You might think that is a crazy notion, but it’s true, least for me it is. I find that imagining my death is soothing. I don’t know why. I guess it is because it helps to control something I can’t control, like this pain in my chest that won’t go away.
The pain is stubborn. It resists all measures of relief. Love doesn’t help it, neither does someone caring for me. It’s a funny thing to be in this type of constriction when you want to end your life. All you can see is the end point and that is your death. You block out the people that care and love you. It’s like you just enter a world that is just filled with pain and no matter how many times someone says they love you, it just bounces off and you can’t feel it. It torments you because you know you are hurting that person by not reciprocating that love and care. But it’s too much pain you feel and you are locked in this bubble that no one can really touch. You are alone in this world, though people have constantly told you that you are not. It’s all a fallacy.
Psychache has other features that make it so that suicide is constantly on your mind. Perturbation is one. The need to constantly feel something and the need to do something to ease the psychache. And then you have Press. Press is something that is felt deep inside. It’s the inner workings similar to stress but takes on a different meaning. It is what drives the perturbation to new heights and carries the pain to new levels. All three when at a significant standing means suicide is imminent. Dr. Shneidman calls this the suicidal model of suicide. It’s a complicated but simple meaning of these three Ps. But that is for another discussion. I just know right now that my levels of these three Ps are varying like the weather. It is most difficult when my physical pain is increased. Unfortunately, when my physical pain is at it’s worse, I am immobile to do anything to cause my life to end. I keep telling myself, I will do it the following day when my pain is not at its worse. Fortunately, in the morning, I no longer feel that pressing need to end my life so I live to see another day.
Right now I am at that point where the three Ps are pressing on my heart very eagerly. I can hardly breathe, the weight is so strong. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. That is why I am writing this stupid blog. I hope that my thoughts get heard and someone can relate to them. I am not in danger, let me make myself clear on that. As much as I wish to die at this very moment, I don’t have a clear plan in doing so. It is the frustrating part of being suicidal. You want to end your life but you do not have the means to do so. It is sad. All I can do is wait until the meds kick in to ease my physical pain and then I will sleep for a few hours until they wear off and I need another dose of meds again. Such is the cycle.