Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Ankle Chronicles 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle Chronicles 13

It’s after midnight and I can’t seem to settle down. And it’s not because the Sox won tonight. I wish it was from my excitement but the game ended like two hours ago. Nope, I am up because of pain. My foot started hurting me and the pain has now spread to my toes. It’s excruciating. I just took some Neurontin and some pain meds. I have to wait for them to kick in before I can think about lying down.

I think it’s time I try something like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help me deal with pain. It’s not a cure but it might help me manage in better ways. There was a place in Brookline but they don’t accept chronic mentally ill patients like me, specifically those that have suffered any type of abuse or need long term care. So I am going to try and find a therapist where my psychiatrist works. I have to call the intake and be put on the “CBT wait list”. I don’t know how long that will be. I have no idea how this is going to do down. I am going to have to enlist the help of my psych to see if she can expedite the process. CBT is not something I believe in, but it has been shown to help those with chronic pain, so I might as well try it again. I just hope it isn’t a bunch of paperwork and shit. I can’t imagine filling out papers while in the middle of a flare up. I already want to rip what little hair I have on my head (I have short hair) or cut off my damn ankle.

If the list is a long wait, I might not last. I have 3 weeks before my death date comes. I am willing to postpone it if the wait is not longer than say two months. I don’t think I can hold out longer than that as the flare ups have become so unbearable. I hope that my suicidality doesn’t hinder me getting in to see someone. That will really fucking suck and I will feel so dejected. I also hope that because I have an established therapist, they don’t say see ya. This is a specific treatment and one I am willing to give a try if they will just give me a chance. I am really nervous about this because it has been so long since I have gone through an intake process. That is why I am hoping my psych can help with the process a little bit.

I am so damn tired and really want to lie down and sleep. But I know that if I lie down, the pain could get worse and then I will have to sit up again. I kind of wait until I can no longer keep my eyes open and then I lie down. I am usually out by that time. I don’t really sleep very well or very long, but it beats having to lie down and then sit up. It’s a game I play most nights and it’s not fun. It drives the voices crazy because they want to keep talking to me and if I keep popping up, they want to talk more. Or the music in my head gets really loud and I have to play music to drown it out, which then keeps me up for at least another hour or so.

I can’t escape this stupidity. It drives the suicidality all the more because I just want to escape from it all. The pain, the voices, the depression, everything. I was writing to a friend about my troubles and she said that I need to do something, like get involved in something or get a pet. I couldn’t handle being responsible for a pet. It’s a big responsibility, even if my mother allowed it to happen. I know my friend meant well and all, but she just wants me to stick around for a long time. She also doesn’t want to lose me. She understands my suicidality. She knows that my suicidal ideation is not over something trivial.

Random 421

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 421

Yesterday when I went to see my therapist in person, I gave her a snickers latte as she has never had one before. She loved it. It’s a really good concoction of caramel, hazelnut, and mocha. Tonight I had another meltdown. I was trying to get a second nap for the day when pain erupted and it sunk me lower than I ever sank. I texted my therapist that I was done and that I was sorry. I didn’t expect her to respond as it was late. About an hour later, she texted me back with a photo of the drink and a lovely supportive message. She is such a dork. I was appreciative of the text and it did help my mood.

I found my “Liar Liar” DVD and decided to watch it. I felt like a comedy would help me out of the pit I was in. It was funny to watch Jim Carey makes his faces. I have seen the movie many times and it cracks me up every time.

I want to sleep, but pain is keeping me up. My foot just will not settle down. I took some more pain meds. I also took another trilafon because I couldn’t remember if I took it or not. Then I watched Twitter and the Sox had a dramatic comeback and won 7-5. That really made my night. I thought they were really going to lose to the Skankees as they were down 5-2. But my boys scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning to win.

I never took a shower tonight. Mostly because the heater in the bathroom is broken and it’s kind of cool tonight. I didn’t want to freeze my ass off. I’ll take it tomorrow when it’s warmer out. Meds are kicking in faster than I thought so I will stop here, for now.

Perplexed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Perplexed

Today’s Daily Word Prompt is “perplexed” and I can’t think of a better title than that for the day. My eyes are so damn dry that I literally rubbed the skin off my lower eyelid this morning. I didn’t realize I did this until I washed my face this morning. Now I have to see my eye doctor to find out what can be done about it before I have no eyelids. As if I don’t have enough on my plate at the moment.

I got the car and went to Starbucks. When I went back to the car, I noticed some damage. It wasn’t a big thing, just some paint scrapes, no dents or anything, least none that I could see. I called and reported it when I got home after therapy.

Therapy was again difficult. She tried her best to have me look at her the whole time I was there but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t look at her. I just stared at the rug or played with my thumbs most of the session. We talked about the blog I wrote last night. I told her it was a piece of shit and she said it was anything but. She really wanted me to know that she cared about me and that she didn’t want me to die. She wanted me to take my date off the table. I told her I couldn’t do that. Who’s to say that I won’t have another pain episode that leaves me with the same feelings of being suicidal and I really want to go through with it the next day when I am able to fucking walk. That is the only thing stopping me right now. My inability to walk during intense suicidal feeling caused by intense physical pain. No, I have my own agenda and I plan on carrying things through this time.

I told her I knew she loved me and that I love her. I questioned what the hell kind of relationship we have and she couldn’t answer it. She doesn’t know. Great. She was playing with my baseball for most of the session. I guess it kept her mind off things. I told her she should get a stress ball. Maybe I will give her my apple scented one that I have. It’s smelling up a drawer right now so it’s not like I use it.

She toyed with the idea of texting me so that I can know and remember that she cared for me. I was going to say something about this but held back. Dr. Jobes has been doing this with his patients for years. My therapist is not a texting type of therapist, nor is she a technological person. This would totally take her out of her zone of comfort.

It’s a perplexing problem because she obviously cares deeply about me after all these years and she doesn’t want to lose me. She can’t imagine life without me in it. I guess my constriction is so damn bad that I can only focus on the task at hand and that is ending my life, on my terms, in my own way. I have had enough. The boundaries have been crossed and I tired, so very tired, of fighting them day in and day out. I told her that no one will be there for me in the wee hours of the morning because I can’t sleep and am in horrendous pain. Sure, I can page my psychiatrist if I am in a bad mood but why bother waking her up in the middle of the night. I just done. I told my therapist today, there is no way I can’t promise anyone that I won’t take my life, even if I take my date off the table. There is a chance that even when that day has arrived, I might not go through with it. I have had plenty of dates in the past and I am still here. Some my therapist knew, some she didn’t.

I told my therapist that I should have left her 12 years ago when she first became “possessive” of me. She had gone on maternity leave and she left me a birthday message. Or some kind of message, I forget now. I still have the microtape of the voicemail somewhere. Anyways, she said that I was hers and it should have put up a big red flag. But then, no therapist had every called me that before so I let it go. Now this therapist cries when I threaten my life, and there were still a few tears shed today.

How am I supposed to live when I want to die so damn bad? It gets worse, it gets better, but no matter how afield I get, I always come back to being suicidal. This is the worse part of the year for me. For the last 11 years I have been suicidal particularly during the months of Sept and Oct. It’s the bipolar season for suicidality. It’s been documented by Kay Redfield Jamison. I don’t see a point in living a life that is filled with pain and disability. I just don’t. Walking used to be my everything and now I can barely walk a few blocks here or there. I used to be able to walk Memorial Drive from Government Center all the way to Central Street in Cambridge. I am lucky to walk from the T station to the Starbucks down the street now. Any more than that, and my ankle says goodbye jack.

It’s more than just living with the pain. I have a huge high pain tolerance. But I am burned out. I am traumatized every fucking night with pain and there is no escaping it some nights. My sleep is affect and lo and behold, now they are looking at sleep disturbances as a cause of suicidality. NO FUCKING SHIT. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent night’s sleep of more than 4-5 hours. If I do sleep at least 6-7 straight, it’s during the day time hours. That is when I get relief from my pain or am just exhausted I crash. I am called a lazy bastard if I sleep during the day so I try to stay up until night time again, except there is no relief then. It’s not like I am looking for more meds or support or anything. I just want the pain to stop because what the fuck is it hurting for anyways??

Saturday Blog 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.