Tag: CRPS

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

It has been muggy in the house the past few days as a warm front is passing through. Temps have been above 70 degrees and I have had the AC going. You would think that would be a cause of my foot being cold but I shut off the AC a few hours ago and then my foot got cold then exploded in pain. I have been miserable since. All I have had to eat today is two donuts and coffee. I don’t really feel like eating. I’ve slept most of the day. I am just so tired. I dealt with bad emotions last night. My anxiety was at its worst. Sometimes it is hard to know it is anxiety and I need an Ativan to calm down. Once the medication works, I can think clearer and not so dark sometimes.

I had therapy. I asked for an extra session as the dysphoria was really getting to me. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to shower because I don’t want to see myself naked. I wish there were no mirrors in the bathroom. I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I look at myself and think damn I look good and other times I hate myself so damn much I can’t stand looking at me. I have been meaning to trim my beard all week but that hasn’t happened. I just don’t have the energy for self-care. I was able to brush my teeth this morning before taking my meds. I find that if I brush after having my morning void is easier than trying to do it after I have had my coffee.

My day started late because after I took my morning meds I went back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1300. I had coffee because it has become a routine to have coffee when I wake up. I tried to take a nap after coffee because I was feeling tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was too anxious I would sleep through my appointment.

I realized today that I had a really nuts therapist who really thought she had possession of me. In a way I am glad I am no longer in that relationship but I miss her sometimes. She provided me care when no one else did and was my biggest supporter in my efforts to be me. She went to the poster session with me at my first conference. My psych was to show up but never did. My psych is someone who I miss terribly. It is coming on two years now that she has been gone. It still hurts like the day we said goodbye. We still keep in touch and have had a few zoom calls since then. I never thought this psychiatrist would be on zoom but she did.

I have to plan my grocery delivery. I got to remove some stuff from my cart so I don’t go over my limit. I am going to the store on Monday with my cousin. I will get the stuff I am removing then. I need to have the heavy stuff delivered so it is easier to bring upstairs. The ice cream and steak I can get at the store.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Painful Sunday

I woke up around 5 this morning because my damn shoulder was bothering me again. I couldn’t go back to sleep but I kept dozing off and having weird dreams about being in the medical field. I finally got up when I had a strong enough urge to pee. I took my morning meds and then waited for pain meds to kick in before heading downstairs to brush my teeth and have coffee. It is nice out so I opened the back door to let some fresh air in the house. Pollen counts are high today and my eyes are already tearing.

I am going to shower today and shave. Just hope the pain meds keep my shoulder pain free so I can move my arm. I don’t know why it has been so painful lately and the only time it flares up is when I am sleeping. I don’t know how I am sleeping is annoying my shoulder. I should try sleeping hugging a pillow again or trying to. I start off hugging the pillow and then it ends up on the floor.

I am going to try and go to the mailbox today for a walk around the block. I need to mail my letter to get my name change document certified. I should have gotten it back when I first changed my name but I wasn’t thinking. I need to have a certified copy so I can get my passport renewed.

I am so fricken tired. I am determined not to nap again today though. I am going to try and keep moving. I might watch a movie today or some DVDs on China Beach. I love that series so much. Dana Delany is one of my faves. I really would love to see The American President again. I just don’t know where the DVD is.

My sister is going food shopping. I asked her to get me some half and half and some yogurt. I should ask her for some steak but I haven’t been in the mood to cook lately. I just have been making some simple things like fried eggs or scrambled eggs. I will be making a burger today.

Whatever thing that was irritating my urinary tract has cleared up. I am back to retaining like usual so I have put the alarm on to remind me to go. I put it for every four hours and I can change it as needed. I haven’t cathed in two weeks since the infection. Hopefully I won’t have to.

Like every Sunday, I need to fill my med box for the week. I usually do it around 2 pm so I don’t forget. It doesn’t take me long to do. I take 15 pills a day, not including my PRNs that I take. It is a lot to manage and remember.

I am kind of nervous about going to therapy this week. I had a little od last week and I let my therapist know about it. She was upset with me. I had texted her before I did it and got no response. Kind of pisses me off that I reach out and it isn’t until I do something that she responds. If she had said something like use my safety plan or something I might not have gone down that path. I am not blaming her as it was my choice to do what I did. I guess I figured in hindsight if maybe she said something sooner, it might have taken me out of the spiral I was in.

Don’t you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19

Don’t you

Don’t you is a new song on Fearless Taylor version. It is my new favorite song. I have been listening to it since I left PT an hour ago. I have had a long day and I know I usually set a 500 word limit for myself but today has been a fucking day. I started the day with an appointment with urology. I have been given strict orders on how long between voids. I usually have 6 hours but they want it to be 4 especially if I have been drinking a lot and can’t go. Which means that if I can’t go on my own, I have to cath. I’ve also been given a hat to measure my urine. If I am going between the 4-6 hours and have a lot of urine >300mLs, I need to go more frequently. This is to prevent my bladder from stretching. Which means putting myself on a fricken timer for bladder reminders. Fuck. I thought I was done with this shit. Things were going so fucking well and now they suck. I really don’t want to be thinking of bladder function all the damn time. This just really sucks.

I came home and was dizzy. I had bought a Gatorade while waiting for the bus and drank that. I was going to wait to order food but as I was dizzy I thought I should eat something so I ordered a big mac. It’s all I’ve eaten today and probably will be. I just came home from PT and feel more dizzy than I did this afternoon so I am just going to drink Gatorade and rest. My blood pressure is normal so that is good. I know I am probably dehydrated because I haven’t been drinking throughout the day. I also been sweating a lot so that just adds to my exhaustion. I really hope that I can get up tomorrow morning for my vaccine appointment.

PT has gone well. My shoulder is much better than it was four months ago. Today was my last session for it. Next week I start the covid deconditioning program at the PT place. I already know it is going to take a lot out of me. I was working on one the machines today and did five minutes, twenty-two seconds and I was perspiring and exhausted from it. It is one of the machine the PT said I would be using so yay. She was testing my shoulder to see how I would do.

I am completely exhausted. But I wanted to write a blog because it has been days since I last wrote. I am going to watch China Beach and rest the rest of the day before med time.

Don’t call me daughter 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 6

Yesterday I was in the kitchen with my mother and I was in a mood. I wasn’t feeling so great and just wanted to do what I needed to and go back to my room. My mother was there and asked what was wrong. She wanted me to talk to her. Fuck that. She lost that right when she refused to call me son. From now on I will correct her when she is misgendering me. But I am not going to talk to her for any reason other than what goes on in the house. I am not going to talk to her like I did before about my ailments and doctor appointments. She is getting to be the egg donor and if that is what it takes to cut off feelings from her then so be it.

I’ve been having a hard time with the cramps. I don’t know if they are uterine or bladder related but as an experiment, I cathed and felt relief at first only to have severe pain afterwards.  I don’t know what to make of it and I have cathed since. Taking a double dose of Miralax was a bad idea. I had colon blow and woke up with crap in my pants. Luckily, I didn’t get any on the bed. I had to shower and what is worse my mother had to use the bathroom so I was so embarrassed. I need to time taking it right. Thing is it is so unpredictable when it works. It could be a few hours or could be a day. There is no time table to expect when to go.

I am still have cramps and being really down about it. I called my gyn to make an appointment for the exam. It is in May. I see the uro NP this week so I am going to tell her and ask for a urine culture to be done just to be sure I don’t have an infection that could be causing this. I really am not looking forward to surgery again but there is little choice I have. Once the offending organ is gone is should be apparent what is causing what. I doubled my bladder spasms pill yesterday to see if it would help and it did a little bit. Maybe this is bladder related. I won’t know until the uterus is gone. I got my bladder on a schedule again. I didn’t want to do it but I have gone past the six hours I am supposed to go. I can’t keep holding on to my urine for so long. It could be why I have spasms as well.

I wonder if my mother is ashamed of me and that is why she doesn’t want to call me son. It would make sense. I don’t get the sense she is proud of me. I just don’t understand why she can’t accept her child. This bothers me so much. When you bring it up to her, she is dismissive. Then I think about all the abuse she put me through and it just makes me so sad and angry. She used her trust as a mother to do her evil bidding of abusing and touching me when she had no right to touch or look. I get mad at my pediatrician who documented all these things and didn’t do a damn thing about it.