Tag: CRPS

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.

hypo again and ankle chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hypo Again and Ankle Chronicles

It’s close to 0200 and I show no sign of sleeping. I feel really hyper but in an organized kind of way. I wish I could get into a cleaning mode as my room could really use it but my hip is hurting and I know standing for any length of time will annoy it. My ankle is also giving me grief so I doubt standing or cleaning would be a good idea at the present time. I can barely sit without my hip hurting. I don’t know what set this episode off. I thought I was going to head towards a depression and then I got hyper when I realized it was midnight and I wasn’t tired.

I think I might be cycling, but I am not having true depressive episodes or sadness even. I just seem to go from a hyper state of being to being “normal”. I am not even suicidal, though I have been having passing thoughts of killing myself. They don’t last long, maybe a few minutes tops. And I don’t ruminate on them when I am like this. I am sure if I was in a depressive state, I would.

I am glad that I am seeing my doctor next week because my left eyelid has been extremely itchy and has a skin tag on it. I have been trying not to freak out and call it cancer but I can’t stand it being different than my right eye. Even the skin texture is different, but I am sure it is just dry because I don’t drink enough fluids during the day. I try to but it’s difficult because I don’t want to leak. But seeing as I will be having my blood drawn on Monday, I need to increase my fluids so my veins are better able to get attacked. I am a hard stick anyways but being dehydrated really makes my veins disappear.

I don’t know what set off my ankle tonight. I was watching the game in the comfort of my sister’s bedroom with my foot up most of the game. It wasn’t my bed but it shouldn’t make a difference. Anyways, by the 7th inning, I was in some deep pain. I was watching my niece and I knew that if I went upstairs to my room and back down again, it would only cause me more pain. I just stuck it out. I waited patiently for my sister to come home. It was approximately two hours later. Luckily, walking on it didn’t seem to bother it as much as standing still, which is weird. It was throbbing big time by the time I made it up to my room. Then I had to go back downstairs to the bathroom. Whatever I ate didn’t agree with me and my bowels went nuts. I hope they don’t act up anymore. They probably will because I took a senna with my meds. I am going to be really cleaned out.

I wrote several pages in my journal before I decided to blog. I am feeling the writing itch though my thoughts are as clear as they were before. I think the meds are starting to kick in. It’s weird that I am having a second episode of hypomania in a year. I usually just get it once and that is all. It is unusual for me to be hypo twice in a year. Course I have been hypo for most of the week. I hope this means that I will sleep for more than a few hours tonight as I am up so damn late. I am hungry but I am not going to eat as it is so late. The way I am feeling, you would think that I haven’t eaten anything at all, all day. I had steak and a sweet potato while I was at my sister’s and it made me quite full. But usually at this time, I get wicked hungry for some reason. Midnight cravings I guess. I really want a damn donut. I swear when I get my check, I am going to go to Dunkin and get a half dozen. I hear through FB that there might be a gourmet donut shop in the Square. That would be so awesome and yummy. Starbucks has an old fashioned donut that I really like. Okay, all this talk about donuts is not helping my hunger.

I took my pain meds three hours ago. I should be knocked out or at least close to it. But I am not. I feel another all nighter coming on. Question is, when am I going to get some sleep? It’s so hard to say when I am like this. My ankle/foot pain is not helping the situation at all. If I am not asleep in another half hour, I will take another dose of pain meds. It will be four hours since my last dose, so I think it will be ok. Sometimes, when I am in severe pain it takes another dose of meds to quiet things down and get me some rest. I don’t know if the pain is fueling the mania or vice versa at this point. I wish I felt euphoric but I don’t. I just feel content and a little sad. I am sad because this is happening to me and I don’t know why. Usually Bipolar disorder gets better with age not worse. I can’t say this is a relapse because I don’t typically get hypomanias. I am mostly depressed. This is quite unusual for me to be hypo. I so rather be depressed. It is what is normal for me. It is what is the expected.

OI, there is an advocate that I follow on Twitter and she is so fucking annoying. She thinks all her opinions are facts because she experienced it. Yet when I try and tell her how my experiences are, I am downplayed, like it doesn’t matter to her at all what I think. WTF is that? I should unfollow her. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. You would think she would be more open minded to people’s lived experiences but only hers counts? Doesn’t make sense. Then she states the obvious of how mental health professionals are uncomfortable talking to their patients about suicide. No fucking shit, really?? Where the hell have you been the last ten years?? Obviously not in the suicide field. Obviously not doing research about suicide like I have. So take that, Miss who-thinks-she-knows-it-all.

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.

An Oxymoron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I had an interesting conversation with my psychiatrist tonight. She confirmed I am on the right meds and that comforted me. I told her I was a little hypo and she said to let her know how things go. She wasn’t going to make any changes and I wasn’t asking for one. These things need to ride themselves out, as I have learned over the years. Medication isn’t always the answer to every problem that you face.

My mood was all over the place today. I got really irritable and angry over someone’s comment that they left on my blog today. I don’t know why it bothered me so. I had a long conversation with the voices over this. It helped to air it out and once I did, I wasn’t as agitated. Then I got a stupid migraine and that made me scared. My face went numb within minutes and my eye felt like it was going to pop. I took my migraine pill and waited anxiously for the pain to subside. I had just started to read a research article when my eyes went blurry and the migraine started. I guess I will read that article tomorrow. I am not in the same mood I was in before the migraine hit. After the migraine subsided and I was feeling better, I read some more of Harry Potter. Hogwarts got me the escape I was looking for. Reading has been suggested by a doctor who does man therapy. If you look it up, it is pretty dumb. But men need something stupid to be able to laugh at themselves and break up their manliness. I know I do at times. I don’t know if his particular therapy has helped men but I took his suggestion of reading a book to escape to relax.

I also told my pdoc about my sleeping habits as of late. Three to four hours a night I have been getting, which doesn’t help someone with Bipolar illness. I am lucky I can sleep during the day to try and catch up but I don’t always. Sometimes napping causes more trouble. I never feel rested unless I have a six hour nap. I usually am able to get one over the weekends usually. I don’t know why that is. I tend to sleep better during day time hours than at night anyways. I am a night owl. The funny thing is, I was never really able to work a night shift. By 4 or 5, I was so tired that I needed sleep. And if I got it on my break, I usually slept for an hour, which was against the rules. One time I think I slept for two hours and my supervisor wasn’t happy. But I no longer work so I can stay up till whatever time and sleep all day if I want to.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I will be texting her a lot. I will stop once she texts back a “thank you”. I can be a pain in the ass, too! She always makes a big deal out of my birthday so it’s payback.

My ankle is really hurting me for all the walking I did today. I have a bum ankle due to nerve damage that I got when a disc exploded in my back. The disc compressed the nerve that controls the muscles in my ankle and foot. I never was able to regain the strength in my foot after surgery. That was 14 years ago. If I didn’t get strength back in the first two years, I am certainly not going to now. What I am left with is pain due to a pain syndrome no one can identify. Some have called it complex regional pain syndrome, others have just called it tendonitis. But if it was tendonitis, rest and ice should have cured it by now and I have been resting it for three years. The pain has gotten a little better but on days like today where I was walking too much, it flares up and is hard to settle down without pain medication. I don’t know why they call it pain medication when the meds are supposed to relieve your pain, not cause it. Just an oxymoron, I suppose.

The article I was going to read before my migraine made it impossible was on the language of suicide. I am a suicidologist from the inside out. I love studying about suicide and read everything I can about the subject. I have the experience to go with it as I have attempted more than a few times. That is why I write this blog. It helps to write out my suicidal thoughts and feelings I am having in the moment. I know that if I don’t write about them, I am as good as dead. After I write my morose feelings, I usually send them to my pdoc and therapist, well sometimes just my therapist as I am afraid of sending them to my psychiatrist. I sent her a goodbye email once and that ended poorly. She sectioned me and I spent the next three weeks in the hospital. It wasn’t fun. The police came and when they couldn’t find me because the ambulance had already taken me to the hospital, they broke into my house by smashing a window. I was very upset. So I am hesitant to send my pdoc my suicidal writings.

It has been at least a month since my last writings. I haven’t really felt suicidal since I gave up the day I was going to kill myself. My therapist and psychiatrist were against the idea of me dying. Go figure. I still am angry with them for keeping me here. I had everything planned out, sort of. I knew how I was going to die, but I just didn’t know where. I didn’t want a family member to find me so that sort of kept me here. But the writing that I was doing before I gave up my date were my one outlet. Now they are gone and I don’t know if I will be that productive ever again.