Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 65

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 65

I woke up not even an hour ago. I can’t believe I slept all day. I got a notification from Walgreens that my prescription was ready. I thought this was odd as I haven’t put in any refills. My doc called in a refill but not for twice a day. I am so bullshit. She still thinks taking 4 mg a day is helping me when it’s not. Doesn’t matter, now I have enough pills to last me a month taking it twice a day. When I see her next, I will yell at her. She actually responded to one of my emails late last night. She wants me to keep in touch.

After I got back from Walgreens, holy hell unleashed. I got wicked hot and currently have the AC on. I don’t know why I overheated but I did. I was in wicked pain with my back so I think the walk just exasperated things. My foot/ankle exploded soon as I came home. So I am in pain once again. I didn’t wear my brace because I didn’t think I would need it and I didn’t bring my cane either for the same reason. I did fairly well, though I was really hurting on my last block home.

There is no baseball game today. It’s an off day for my Sox. I hope they use it to regroup. OSU is playing now. The score is tied at 3. I’ll just “watch” it via Twitter. I don’t feel like watching it on TV, not with my ankle hurting me the way it is. Buckeyes just scored! 10-3!! Scored again! 17-3! Whoohoo!! Nebraska has a bye week so it will only be OSU that I will be paying attention to. Tomorrow NFL games, my Pats are playing and I can’t wait to see Brady’s return.

I haven’t eaten anything all day and I don’t really know what to have. I kind of want pancakes but I don’t feel like making them. I really want pizza but I don’t have any cash on me for it. If my back wasn’t hurting me, I would have gone to the grocery store and get my pumpkin so I can make my cake. I will go tomorrow. Maybe if I go tomorrow I can also get French bread pizza to satisfy my pizza craving.

My sisters are in Vegas for the weekend. My middle sister will turn 40 next month and she wanted to do something big. I don’t blame her. She is always the optimist. All I wanted to do for my 40th was to be six feet under or be in an urn or something. I certainly didn’t want to live to see 41, which it looks like it is going to fucking happen whether I like it or not. My crazy bitch therapist is going to make sure of it.

I need to start doing the paperwork for my LTD. I am not looking forward to it as it is just boring. But it needs to be done. I meant to publish this hours ago but I fell back to sleep. I have been having a hard time staying awake today. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to be up all night. My back is still hurting me. I don’t know why. It feels like I have a band around my waist that tightens and it really hurts when it tightens. It only happens when I am lying down.

I didn’t make pancakes. I just had a big bowl of cereal. That has been the only thing I have eaten today. I am not that hungry. OSU won 38-17. That is I think their 5th win in a row. I am so happy for this team.

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

I really didn’t watch or listen to the Sox game but I was keeping tabs on it. I looked at the 2nd inning and it was 1-0. Then I don’t know what the hell happened, I blinked or something, and it was 4-0, Cleveland. I threw my hands in the air. I swore. I cussed out Price so bad. 30 fucking million dollars for nothing. 30 million!! And he can’t fucking pitch worth a damn! And the Sox bats were cold as fucking ice. We were shut out. Final score was 6-0. We have to win Sunday with Clay on the mound. It’s extremely unlikely but I have hope.

I have been eating like a pig since I have some home. I didn’t eat much today. I had a donut with my coffee and then I didn’t have anything else until dinner. After dinner, I had two boiled eggs and some cookie butter. Then I decided to make some pumpkin fluff which is going to be the death of me. It is so fucking awesome. I don’t think it is going to last until Tuesday when I see my therapist. I was going to share it but it might just be mine. My sweet tooth is in high gear and I think I am PMS’g, which isn’t a good thing. I just finished a pack of pills or rather just started a new pack, I forget. I just know I have gone through at least 4 packs and that is usually an indication that I am due for breakthrough bleeding. Oh Joy, just what my suicidality needs.

If the fluff doesn’t last, I will just make a pumpkin cake again. That will last a while. I just need to get more pumpkin. My back is feeling a lot better so I might be able to make it to the grocery store tomorrow to get some more. I hope they aren’t sold out. That will really suck. I just had a stroke of genius…place the fluff on top of the cake. It will be super yummy!! HA! Sweet tooth galore! That is if it survives the weekend…

I had wanted to print off my book tonight but I am not feeling up for it. I hate so much fluff that I am kind of full and sleepy. I just took my meds so I should probably wake up soon. Never fails that my meds wake me up rather than knock me out. I don’t get it because if I take them during the day, I am sleeping all day. Doesn’t make any sense.

I found out today that one of the world’s greatest suicidologists has died. Dr. Terry Maltsberger has passed away. I am glad to have met him at a conference in 2012 in Baltimore. I had him sign a chapter that he wrote in the Aeschi book. I read many things that he had wrote. He was brilliant and had great empathy for suicidal patients. He will be deeply missed.

somewhat good Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Somewhat good Friday

I did all that I had to do today. I went to my Starbucks to get my coffee and sat for a little while to write. Next thing I know, it’s time to leave for my appointment. I get there fifteen minutes early. It went well. The NP was really nice and set me up with a new PCP, which was about time. I see him in Dec. She said he is a good guy. I tend to be skeptical of this until I actually meet the person. My back was a little out of sync but I got to and fro okay. I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and there were no problems. I didn’t wait too long and they had vanilla pudding so I am plan on making my pumpkin fluff this weekend. I took out the cool whip that was in the freezer. I might also make the cake. We’ll see how the back goes.

My therapist called and she was bullshit I don’t see the CBT people until next month. She is still trying to see if I can see her on Monday. I was really appreciative that she called me on her day off to check in with me. I didn’t sleep too good last night and sent my psychiatrist an email, which she still hasn’t responded to. I might page her today, while it’s day light, to talk with her. I got so much going on and I don’t see her for another three weeks.

I kept thinking of wanting to kill myself today. I could have done it, if I had the bottle of pills with me. I don’t know if I would be able to walk to my destination but I would have tried. Now it’s just a guessing game as to when I will try. I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am tired of being in pain every day and night. I am tired of losing sleep because of pain. I talked about that with the NP today and told her I sometimes had to take 6 pills a day to get relief. I am hoping when I see the doc in Dec he changes the order so I can have 2 more pills a day. Then I won’t be scrambling at the end of the month wondering what to do with my meds.

I’m very sleepy. I did a lot today on little sleep. I hope I don’t stay up all night again tonight. That will just be torture. Part of the reason I couldn’t go to sleep last night was because I was having PTSD symptoms. I had to keep reminding myself that the back pain I was experiencing wasn’t CES happening again. I had to take at least 2 ativans to calm down. It was really terrible.

Clean Water in Cleveland

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clean Water in Cleveland

My Sox lost to the Indians tonight. The starting pitcher gave up like 4 homeruns. It was ugly. We were able to get within a run but never quite retook the lead. I am upset because I really thought “Pretty Ricky” was going to lead us to victory. Now we have to depend on Price and Bucholz to get us through to Boston. I hope we don’t lose three in a row but it is possible if our bats don’t start flying.

I am kind of upset that I have to wait more than a month for the stupid CBT sessions to begin. This is going to torture me. Then the LTD paperwork came in for my yearly review. I have to fill it out this weekend and send it back. Oh Joy! I have so much stuff to do and I don’t want to do anything. I read some more of the Oliver Sacks book, which is quite boring. I might toss it into a fire to use when I am cold, and I am not a book burner by any means. That’s how bad this book is to me. I don’t find any of the cases interesting in the least. Why my psychiatrist recommended it, I have no clue. It’s a terribly written book. I don’t know why I bought it as I knew I would hate it.

I watched a movie tonight before the game started. I watched “For the Love of the Game”. It’s one of my favorite baseball movies.

I am officially out of my regular pain meds. I am hope that I can get to my PCP’s office tomorrow without too much pain. I will take some strong pain meds with me just in case as that is all I have at the moment. I took a shower with some severe pain and had to sit down a few times so it’s questioning my decision to make this decision out to Boston. I wish I could have someone drive me into town but there is no one and I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am worrying for nothing.

Had to put the ceiling fan on because it’s hot in my room for some reason. I still have the AC in. I know the minute I take it out, the temp is going to be in the 80s again. We always have an Indian summer. I just hope the fan doesn’t cause my back to cramp up on me. Lately I have been getting spasms around my waist and they have been so painful that sometimes I can’t breathe or move. They don’t last long but they are sure uncomfortable.