Tag: depression

Can’t Stay awake any longer

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t stay awake any longer

The ballgame is at a checkmate right now. Both sides have only 1 hit and it’s the 6th inning. I can’t open my eyes any longer. I took my meds earlier than I usually do because I thought it was later. My mother usually goes to bed around 8 so when she came up the stairs, I thought it was around that time. It was 1945 or earlier, I couldn’t say. So my meds have kicked in and I am getting very sleepy. Update: 8th inning and the Sox have just scored 2 runs. They need 6 outs to clinch the division. Rally cap on!

Zipcar has changed my car to a Golf again. Least now I know how to start the stupid thing. New cars have weird rituals in order to start the car. It’s no longer turn the key. As long as it gets me to where I am going, I really don’t care how the car starts.

I overspent my check again. I have less than $100 to last for the month. Lovely. Guess I won’t be eating burritos whenever I want. I had to get coffee for home so I had to put more money in my Starbucks funds. Least I have my groceries for the month. I still need to get some pumpkin for my goodies. I really want to make the pumpkin cake again. That was really good.

My mother decided to spray some carpet cleaner on the rug that had some stains on it. Now the living room stinks of the stuff. My sister and I tried vacuuming the stuff but the stain remained. My sister is planning on getting the rugs professionally cleaned next week. I hope they can get the stain out. My mother doesn’t know this because she would have a fit and a half. It’s her Christmas present from my sister.

I’m still feeling pretty sad. I think my father’s grief is somewhere in there. I still haven’t cried for his loss. It’s hard to cry for him because I emotionally cut him off so many years ago. It’s hard to cry for someone who was never there for you.

I desperately need a shower but I am being stubborn about it. My left calf has been hurting me most of the day so standing is not cooperating with me. I have been trying to resting it most of the day. I think I put too much pressure on it with driving with the AFO yesterday.

I don’t think I can stay up to listen to the last 6 outs of the game. I am really tired. If I do, I will be overtired and then there will be no sleeping. I am going to try and sleep now.

Agitation has ceased but now Sadness has crept in

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Agitation has ceased but now Sadness has creeped in

I reluctantly had therapy today. She gave me the option to cancel as I had canceled before the 24 hour rule. I felt kind of like talking so I agreed that she could call me if she wanted to. We talk and I cried. I was overwhelmed with sadness most of session. She read my blog that I sent her last night and she understood a little bit about what I had gone through last night. She really liked how I wrote it.

I told her my date today as it is coming up soon and she is adamant about trying to keep me here. I told her I was sorry for causing her pain. That when she said that I can’t split “us” up. She is going to try and see if I can have a session tomorrow. She already scheduled a day for Monday. I think she thinks that more is better. I don’t know.

I didn’t sleep very well. I was up every couple of hours and then I gave up around 5. I paid some bills and ordered my stuff on Amazon. I am really tired. I wanted to get up before noon and make my dinner in the slow cooker. But that didn’t happen. I ended up making it after my therapy appointment. Now dinner is going to be a little later than planned. I hope the chicken cooks okay. There was a lot and the cooker is small. I hope it cooks all the way through.

I feel really sad. It was the first time in a long time that I really sobbed while on the phone with my therapist. I really didn’t know what I was crying for. I just was so miserably sad and it came out in tears. I still feel sad afterwards. I really just want to go to sleep.

Agitated and Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated and aggravated

I have not been able to settle down since coming home. I feel really agitated and things are unsettled. The voices are loud but they are mumbling so I can’t understand what they are saying so I am frustrated. I have tried listening to some music to calm me down but that hasn’t worked. It just gets me more agitated. I just took some Ativan and some trilafon to try and calm down because I really would like to sleep before my pain shoots off.

I am really annoyed at my therapist. I really didn’t want to have a session with her but she plays this game with me that if I can come up with a good reason, I can skip the session. I never can come up with a good reason as the reason is, I just don’t want to talk with her, which isn’t a good enough reason. I texted her that she might get my voicemail or I might block her call. I am so annoyed. In order to avoid the phone call, I am tempted to get another Zipcar and go out to see her again. Course, if I do have the phone call, I can just put her on mute. I don’t get why this fucking woman drives me insane.

Then the ballgame was a shit show. Price, who is getting paid $30 million, gags in big games so we lost tonight because he gave up the long ball one too many times. That didn’t help my agitation, at all.

Voices are commanding tonight. They want me to pick a bottle and take the whole thing. I hope the trilafon works soon. I hate this uneasiness I am feeling. It’s partly my fault the voices are out of control. I missed my afternoon dose of trilafon because I was driving today. I hate missing doses but it happens. I have to be better about taking the dose. I want to page my psychiatrist but it’s late. She will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to. They will admit me and I don’t want to be admitted. This will pass. I can handle the voices by ignoring them even though I am agitated.

Well, too late to beat the pain in my ankle. It has just started. Fuck. I just took my pain meds so now I have to wait till they kick in. I hate this feeling. I am feeling out of control and yet I am in control. I had something to eat so that made me feel better as I haven’t eaten much all day. Sometimes not eating will cause me to become agitated, too. I know part of the reason I am aggravated is because I am overtired. I didn’t nap when I came home from therapy like I wanted to. Then my groceries came and I had to put them away. By the time that happened, I was so tired I didn’t know if I should eat or sleep. So I did neither.

I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. It’s really tiring. Actually, it’s exhausting, between the voices, the depression, the physical pain, the emotional pain, and then the emotions that go with it. I just want to die. I don’t know when this will happen. I hope that it will happen soon but I just don’t know. There are so many factors that go into it that I am just plain scared of it so I don’t do anything but think about it. I don’t tell anyone what I am thinking because I don’t want to be stopped. I pick dates. I plan a destination. But will I go through with it? I just don’t know.

Long day after a painful night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day after a painful night

I didn’t go to bed until at least 3 in the morning. I was up in pain most of the night. Every time I laid down, my foot acted up and was very painful. It was giving me such anxiety that I had to take an Ativan to calm down or I knew I would be up till god knows what hour. Pain meds were worthless because the pain started after I took them, which has been the case lately. I texted my therapist that I was canceling sessions and that I was done fighting this bullshit.

We met today and talked about it. She said that I wasn’t cancelling the session or she would tack some more on. We spent the session talking about the difficulty of being in pain most of the night and the anxiety it is creating. If we talked about other stuff, I don’t remember but we are still on for tomorrow, much to my chagrin. I told her it wasn’t worth seeing her and she blew me off.

I gave her some of my cake. No sooner had I left her office, she texted me to say how yummy it was and she was eating the whole thing. I laughed. I was almost an hour early back with the car as I took it an extra half hour because I wasn’t sure of traffic as it was a new location that I got the car. I had to drive around the block as it was a one way street. I walked home and waited for my grocery delivery.

I wasn’t happy with my grocery delivery. They substituted the wrong kind of pumpkin that I needed for my pies and other goodies. And then the pie crust that I ordered was in pieces. I was not happy. I called them up and got a credit for those items. What I am going to do with the pie crusts now, I have no clue. I am so annoyed. Now I have to go to the store to buy the right pumpkin for my desserts. Good thing I don’t plan on baking until this weekend.

I am so fricken tired and annoyed. My mother called me while I was driving home and she asked where I was. I told her I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I knew I was either in Newton or Watertown but not sure where. I was driving for crying out loud. Then she asked why I was driving so I said to see my therapist. She misunderstood and thought I said visiting the cemetery. I got annoyed and rushed her off the phone. When I got home, she was mad at me. I don’t fricken care. Get a fucking hearing aid and I wouldn’t be so annoyed at you.

I put my groceries away. There was no room in the freezer for my things so I had to go to the basement to put some stuff there. Tomorrow I plan on making Hawaiian chicken. I can’t wait. It’s a slow cooker recipe so if I start at 1100 it should be ready by 1600 or so. I don’t know how thick the chicken breasts are though, that might determine how long I cook it for. Last time I made a similar recipe, the chicken got really dry because I over cooked it. I didn’t realize it because I was going by the directions not by how the chicken was prepared. Now I know what to look for. I got my Naan bread. Think I will have it with the chicken.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I had a cheeseburger when I came home. I might make the last patty but I really want cake. Or a nap. I can’t really decide. My ankle is killing me so it needs to be something simple. I bought avocados so I could make my avocado burger, but that seems like a hassle as I am getting lazy. I might just have a muffin and call it a night. I am really tired and cranky. I am sure I will pay for it tonight.