Tag: depression

Waves of Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of Depression

Been having waves of severe depression the past few days. They last about an hour or so and while feeling it, I think the world is ending. Things just seem so hopeless and bleak. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my bed and stare at a wall. I can’t concentrate on Twitter or FB. Lately Twitter hasn’t been holding my interest. I scroll and read some stuff but mostly just scroll without even reading, esp if there is a thread in the tweet. I just can’t be bothered to read someone’s opinion on something for like 10+ tweets.

Today was a pisser of a day. My sister helped me change my sheets. It took her 10 minutes to change them and I was in awe because it takes me at least a half hour. Then she decided to clear an area of my room that was an eye sore. So she cleared that. I went grocery shopping and while I was out of the house, she tore up my fucking rug in that area because she didn’t want the dust to waste vacuum bags. I am fucking livid right now. She wants my room the way she wants it, not how I want it. So fuck you she isn’t allowed in my room anymore. I don’t give a fuck. My therapist wanted me to practice radical acceptance but today, nope. Not happening. I am too fucking angry to practice that shit.

Because my sister was cleaning this area of my room, she had piled stuff on my bed so I couldn’t rest properly after food shopping. I had to lay on the couch with the TV blaring. I didn’t sleep. I did rest though which is what my back needed. My back had started to spasm like it did yesterday and I wasn’t able to control the spasms. It took some serious down time to make the pain stop. I wanted a nap so bad but I never got the chance to sleep. I think it is because I had strong coffee at 1230. I just been going since then. Even now that it is after 8 pm I am still not feeling tired even though I should be.

This morning when I woke up at 2 am I had headaches. I sent a message to my surgeon about them and he got back to me today saying he wants to see me. I see him tomorrow morning via zoom. I am glad he wants to see me because these stupid headaches have been debilitating. I hate waking up with them. I don’t know if it is a CSF leak or what but I want him to be aware of what is happening in case it is.

I just ordered some face coverings that I thought were being shipped from the US. Nope. China. So I won’t get this until a month or so from now. Just lovely. IF I had known, I wouldn’t have bought it. I will check on amazon next time.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.

Sunday Blog 19042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19042020

I didn’t sleep well last night so I slept for most of the day today. I took my night meds early so I could possibly be asleep by 9p tonight. I already took muscle relaxers because my back was spazzing up a storm. My sister never went grocery shopping so I am hoping tomorrow my brother in law will take me. I need cereal, Gatorade, and other stuff. Most importantly Gatorade as my supply is good only for about 5 days. I really would like 32 oz bottles rather than the 20 oz that I have. That 12 ounce difference makes a huge deal. I’m hoping that it will be after 11 am when I am free. I have a 10a therapy session so I won’t be able to go until then.

I have been thinking of upgrading my phone but I am not sure I can afford to do so. If I do, I will have to take away the extra line I am paying for. I should do that anyway as the line is not being used at all. I wanted to keep it so that I had another number in case I wanted someone to call me but I got a google voice number to give out now. I got a text only number for my kindle as well so there is no reason for me to pay for another line. I still have the phone in case something happens to my phone. I paid off so both phones I own. I would like to get the Samsung 10 Note. I know it is bigger than my current phone but it comes with a pen and I would love to be able to write notes on my phone which I can’t do on the one I have. Or I might just wait till the dust settles for the Galaxy 20 model.

The PT I have called me tonight to set up a time for tomorrow. I won’t be able to go shopping like I thought I would. I might have to have my brother in law drop me off and pick me up. Depends how I feel after PT. I wish I could just order online as that would be ideal but I don’t have the money right now to do so. I just have my food stamps which can only be used in stores. Hope one day I can use it for online shopping.

Saturday Blog 18042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 18042020

I am on day 999 of being at home. The weatherman was right. We did get snow so I won’t be going out as it is too slippery out. I was talking with my family last night and one of my cousins said her water boiler went so she doesn’t have heat. I am worried about her and her husband. It is cold and they just have a wood stove but it isn’t warming up the house. I hope she will be okay.

I have been in pain all morning. I woke up at 9 to take my morning meds and couldn’t go back to sleep. My back is all knotted up and shit. I took a shower and that made everything worse. I feel like my legs are not going to support me because my back is so out of it. I just took some meds to try and calm things down. I am so out of shape. I came upstairs and lately I just have been so out of breath by the time I get to my bed. I hate it. I don’t know when this endurance/stamina is going to come back to me. They say if you do it a few times a day you will get there. I have been doing this every day since coming home from the hospital and there has been no change. I just get so fricken tired so easily. And then I can’t sleep. I was up till 4a because pain was keeping me up. I felt like writing so I wrote a friend an email about my troubles. She was kind enough to answer the questions I had for her. She understands what I go through because she has gone through it herself.

I am trying to set up a zoom meeting with a friend for today. She is up in Canada. She is my best friend. We talk about everything and anything. It is so weird that we are so apart yet have the same symptoms and stuff. She used to cath but now she doesn’t. I hope that will be the case for me, though it isn’t looking like it will be right now. It seems every other day I need to cath and every other day I can void on my own. It is so weird. I don’t know why it is like this. It is driving me crazy that it is like this because it gives me the false hope that things are going back to normal but it doesn’t work out that way. I am so getting troubled by it. I need to talk to my therapist about it but I am not sure she will understand. I was so comfortable telling my other therapist of 16 years all about my bowels and bladder issues. I am not so comfortable with my current therapist. She is good and picks up on things. Sometimes that scares me that she does this because my other therapist didn’t so much. But then the other therapist liked to talk during the session rather than have me talk. In a way I am glad that I don’t see her anymore because I am getting the help I need with my current therapist. Eventually I will start DBT group and I am not looking forward to it. This will be when COVID flattens out a bit. I haven’t joined a group yet because of my back surgery and recovery and now the virus is making it so no gatherings are possible. Not sure how groups are going to be like when things resume. Maybe they will have a zoom meeting if everyone has the capability of doing so.

Foot has gone back to being a fuck. It is twitching again and there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I fucking hate this symptom of CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It started last night around 3 am and is continuing now. It is making me feel so hopeless and suicidal. I texted my therapist and she asked if I could take meds. I told her I took some but they aren’t really going to help the shaking/twitching sensation. I don’t know if there is anything I can take for this symptom. I asked my support group if there is something. Maybe there is and I just don’t know. My neurologist just wants me to increase the gabapentin but that makes me dopey as all hell and I tend to walk into walls if I take it during the day. This is why I take it mostly at night so that doesn’t happen. If I do need to take it during the day, I will take the least amount that I can to try and control some of the symptoms. My foot is fucking vibrating right now and not in a good way. It is so fricken painful. I think I might take some gaba now and see if that helps. I don’t have to leave my room till 5 anyway. It is 2 right now. I hope to get some sleep before dinner. My niece is making a ham and her mashed potatoes. Her mashed potatoes are the bomb. They are so good!