Tag: disability

every little thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Every little thing

Having a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. What a surprise. I stayed up till the Neurontin knocked me out around 0700. I took my morning meds so the alarm wouldn’t wake me in two hours. I was having a weird dream. I was in the Oval Office with the Orange Buffoon and the Charmed Ones. Piper used an axe to cut his head off while there was a cabinet meeting going on. I walked to the basement of some sort and then woke up, shaking my head.

I had woken up to the sound of my med alarm going off for my pain meds. I was still in pain but in a Neurontin fog. I needed espresso and I was going to get some. I took a shower, which my ankle enjoyed (NOT). I was feeling so depressed and suicidal because this is the 4th day in a row of suicidally intense pain. The pain was kind of lower than it had been after I took the extra dose of Neurontin so I figure getting espresso would be a risk worth taking. Plus I wanted to get burgers for supper.

I timed the shower and the bus schedule just right. I rested a few minutes after my shower to get dressed to catch the bus. It came within 9 minutes. The bus was mostly empty so I think that was why it was so fast. Usually I have to wait 10-15 minutes when it leaves the station. I brought my own cup for the espresso. I am trying to go green this year so I plan on bringing a mug or cup with me for my Starbucks drinks, if I am able to remember. It’s a work in progress so I can’t do the mobile ordering for now.

I couldn’t stay seated after I had my sandwich and some of the espresso. I kept looking at things to buy. They had my coffee, Casi Cielo back. I will get that next week. I also looked at some French presses. They had a really nice one but it was $50. I will get the $20. They also had a nice mug and am thinking of getting it next week. The mug was 16 oz, which is their grande size. I usually like the venti, which is 20 oz. I had bought a nice 20 oz stainless steel thermal mug that I absolutely love but having a smaller size would be nice. It was on clearance for like $10 so I might get it if they still have it. They didn’t have the French press mug that I saw. I tried to find it online but I think the Starbucks store is closed and you can only get it at the locations. I might have to go around as different locations have different stuff. I found they had the straws for my cup so I got that. Those are hard to find so I am glad they had them.

I wrote about one page in my journal before it was time to go to the butchers to get the burgers. I like getting it from there rather than Stop and Shop because it is fresher. They had ground beef on sale but you had to buy like 3-4 pounds for the deal. I didn’t need that much meat. I looked at the steaks as I haven’t had one in a while. I wanted a bones Angus one but they didn’t have it so I got a London broil. It was a huge piece. I asked my mother if she wanted some for supper tomorrow night or if she wanted me to freeze half of it. She doesn’t usually like steak. She said she wanted it and I could tenderize it with the hammer. OK, whatever. I’ll figure that out tomorrow.

Came home and was minding my own business while my pain went berserk on me. I took a strong pain pill and then because the pain was so intense, I got an anxiety attack. So I took some Ativan. About a half hour later I hear someone scream at the top of their lungs my mother’s name. It was my psycho aunt. She literally made me jump and I didn’t know if my mother was sick or what. My mother was thankfully okay and the fucking idiot was just yelling to let her know she was here. Fucking pissed me off. The idiot locked all the doors as she came up the stairs and guess who had to go back down to unlock them?? Not like my foot hurt or anything. Damn bitch. She was talking so damn loud the whole time she was here for like 2 hours or so I could swear the neighbors could hear her. It was getting on my nerves so I put some music on. Then the visiting nurse came for my mother. Even in her “normal” voice I could hear my aunt as she talked to the nurse, in my room with the door closed! Like nails on chalk board. I couldn’t wait for the nurse to leave so I could make the burgers. I was getting hungry.

The nurse left and within a few minutes, so did my loud mouth aunt. Burger time! I made two for myself and one for my mother. I have one patty left. I will have that for lunch tomorrow. Burgers were good. I loaded mine up with pickles, cheese, and mustard, the three things I love on a burger. I was very tired after I cooked and finished eating. I think the meds made me tired. Hopefully tonight I will sleep through and won’t wake up between 3 and 6 am.

The weekly special papers came, There are some sales my mother wants. I told her I would go to Market Basket tomorrow. She wants some chuck steak as it’s on sale. If I get it, I won’t get the eggs because they might break on the ride home. I will be traveling by T. I am sure the supermarket will be jammed packed as it will be Saturday. I’ll try to go in the morning so there will be less people, hopefully. Only thing that sucks is the return ride home. I will have to go to the Square to catch the bus home. Oh well. It will be an adventure. I am going to check the price of a few items I get through my online shopping. On some of the items I regularly get, the price has gone up by 20 cents. If Market Basket has it for a lower price, I will get it there next week, even though that means lugging it on the T.

I’ve read four chapters in my baseball history book this week. I have five chapters left. I hope to read another three this weekend. I am finding that if I read after my blog or before I want to sleep, I can get one chapter done. I am making notes along the way as well as using the stopwatch feature on my phone to time how long it takes me to finish a chapter. It takes me about an hour and a half to read just one chapter as they are so long. It is fun though. I am laughing because the Skankees haven’t been formed as of yet and Boston has as of 1871, though they weren’t the Red Sox. They were called different names but started out as the Red Stockings. The oldest team still in existence is the Cincinnati Reds, who were also called the Red Stockings in 1869. I am learning a lot as I read along. It is the first book that I have enjoyed since reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. If I keep up the reading, I should be finished with it sometime next week. It will be my first book read this year. I hope to read 25. That is my goal. If I don’t kill myself, of course.

tired of being tired and in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being tired and in pain

I had some difficulty getting to sleep. My ankle was being a total asshole. I woke up around 6 with my back hurting. It was snowing. I took some meds and then played with my phone for a bit. I wanted to get back to sleep so took my morning meds and then turned off my med alarm. I didn’t get up till after 1230 or so. I really didn’t want to get up. I had to eat something. I made an egg Mcmuffin. I kind of let the butter burn so stunk up the house. My mother didn’t like that. I guess I had the gas too high. I made some coffee and the stupid press spilled coffee all over the place. I am going to get a new one, if I can find the mug one I saw a couple of months ago. I might have to look online for it.

I really wanted to go back to sleep. My mother made me go downstairs to check on my niece. The trip up and down stairs really flared my ankle. I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I feel so low.

I am so mad my order for the RAM didn’t go through. They “pre-authorized” my card, but due to some financial invalidation, they canceled my order. WTF. I emailed them to find out more and they said the same shit. If I want to place another order, I have to go through PayPal or a third party. I’ve ordered from this company before so I don’t know what the fuck the problem is. Just seems so dumb. But in the meantime, I have to wait 3-10 business days for the pending charge to disappear. I am so aggravated. Think I will just order it on Amazon or some other computer place. I just went on Amazon for shits and giggles. I found the memory $10 cheaper and I can get free shipping. So when I get paid next week or when the bozos decide to undo the pre-authorization charge, I will get it.

I want to go to bed now but am afraid if I do, I will be up all night. I made coffee but it was strong and I only drank about half of it. My mother wanted hot dogs cooked in a panini thing my sister got her for Christmas. They came out good but I kind of let it burn so now the house smells of burned hot dogs. It cooked faster than I thought it would for frozen dogs. I am going to try and get burgers and buns next week. I am dying for a burger. I might make it in the panini thing.

Wake and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wake and other things

My foot and ankle were hurting me all day with bone crushing pain. I didn’t think I would be able to go to my uncle’s wake. I tried to rest but it wasn’t happening. My mother still wasn’t feeling well so I made her lunch and then cleaned up afterwards. I also took out the trash and recycles. I somehow managed to find a long sleeved shirt and I found a tie to go with it. It was kind of tight but it worked.

The wake went as well as can be. Only thing that absolutely sucked was seeing my pedophile cousin who had abused me. He kept on telling everyone I wrote a book and he read it. Whatever. Then my cousin-in-law came up to me to talk to me about the book and I wanted disappear forever to get away from him. I cannot stand him. He kept hitting my back, which was already hurting me. I gave him the information that he wanted and then, thankfully, he found someone else to talk to.

After the wake, a few of my cousins, sisters, and nieces went to have something to eat. I had what my sister was having, grilled shrimp and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, I had a reaction of some sort to the shrimp as my lip swelled up. It is still swollen. I took a Benadryl to ward off any other reaction. I feel okay. I ordered a whiskey because I felt like it. I didn’t even have half a glass and I got buzzed. I am a lightweight. I hardly drink.

I had wanted to text my therapist about my cousin being at the wake and basically giving me a heart attack in the process but I didn’t. I will tell him when I see him next week. I am glad my cousin’s wife wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand her for sticking up for him and believing him over me or her daughter. I am glad I don’t have to see him again.

I came home and my mother was already in bed. I hope whatever bug she has goes away soon. My ankle and foot are really flared up right now. I hope between the night meds and Benadryl I will sleep soon. Otherwise, it is going to be a long night.

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.