Tag: disability

Sunday Blog 19042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19042020

I didn’t sleep well last night so I slept for most of the day today. I took my night meds early so I could possibly be asleep by 9p tonight. I already took muscle relaxers because my back was spazzing up a storm. My sister never went grocery shopping so I am hoping tomorrow my brother in law will take me. I need cereal, Gatorade, and other stuff. Most importantly Gatorade as my supply is good only for about 5 days. I really would like 32 oz bottles rather than the 20 oz that I have. That 12 ounce difference makes a huge deal. I’m hoping that it will be after 11 am when I am free. I have a 10a therapy session so I won’t be able to go until then.

I have been thinking of upgrading my phone but I am not sure I can afford to do so. If I do, I will have to take away the extra line I am paying for. I should do that anyway as the line is not being used at all. I wanted to keep it so that I had another number in case I wanted someone to call me but I got a google voice number to give out now. I got a text only number for my kindle as well so there is no reason for me to pay for another line. I still have the phone in case something happens to my phone. I paid off so both phones I own. I would like to get the Samsung 10 Note. I know it is bigger than my current phone but it comes with a pen and I would love to be able to write notes on my phone which I can’t do on the one I have. Or I might just wait till the dust settles for the Galaxy 20 model.

The PT I have called me tonight to set up a time for tomorrow. I won’t be able to go shopping like I thought I would. I might have to have my brother in law drop me off and pick me up. Depends how I feel after PT. I wish I could just order online as that would be ideal but I don’t have the money right now to do so. I just have my food stamps which can only be used in stores. Hope one day I can use it for online shopping.

A Cuppa and a Shower

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cuppa and a shower

I had therapy this morning but because I didn’t wake up right away, I didn’t have time to caffeinate before the appointment. I miss having a latte. I don’t know if the Starbucks I go to is open or not. I heard some are closed due to the virus. I struggled to focus during therapy. I was just not there and then half way through session my therapist pulls the what is going on crap. She said I don’t seem right. Like something shifted. Something did but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted me to talk more about why I felt like I didn’t deserve pain medication. I am supposed to write about it. I think it is going to be on paper first and then I will type it up so she can read it. I am not sure if I am going to password protect it or not. Guess it all depends on what I write about.

I finally got the antibiotics for this stupid fucking asshole UTI I got. My brother in law picked it up for me and I am grateful because it is nasty out with rain and high winds. The winds are so bad it took out a branch of the tree that is just in the front of our driveway. My brother in law was not happy. I hope the antibiotics work in a day or two because it really hurts to pee right now. I can’t take peeing every fricken hour anymore. It is driving me nuts.

After therapy this morning, I took a shower after I had a cup of tea. I so needed it. I had some cheesecake with it. The shower felt so good. I wasn’t able to stand too long because I shaved my armpits. It has been raining and I have been hurting most of the day because of it. We had high winds that took out a tree branch and that branch is now blocking our driveway. It is going to be days before the city comes to get rid of it. I put in a tweet about it hoping to get a response but I haven’t yet. Even though the shower felt good, I was still exhausted afterwards. I wanted to nap but resisted as I haven’t been sleeping too good the past few days. I am just so exhausted from this infection and recovering from surgery. I still don’t have energy levels where they were pre surgery. I think the testosterone is helping build up my blood cells again. I have my shot this week so hoping this time next week, I will be feeling better and not so damn tired. The infection should be gone by then anyways. I am going to be careful every time I cath to avoid getting another infection. I think I got to start using wipes to clean myself before inserting the catheter. It can’t hurt.

tiring Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tiring Tuesday

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up to pee. I couldn’t get back to sleep after I peed. When I did, it was only for an hour or so. I had an appointment with my TG doc today. I was planning on going out but after my shower, the energy levels went south and I stayed home. The appointment was via the phone so I didn’t have to be anywhere. The appointment went well. She said my T level was low for a trough but because of my sweating and acne, she didn’t want to increase the dose. I am okay with that. She called in a new script for T and said I could see her in a year. I am to have blood work done before the appointment. I hope things are back to some kind of normal by then.

I did some journal writing this afternoon. I wanted to write about the appointment and some other stuff as it has been a while since I last wrote in it. I don’t think I wrote in it since the first week I came home from the hospital.

I took out my gravy for dinner. I didn’t know I would be the one making dinner. My mother didn’t want to make it because her back was hurting her. I nearly collapsed after the pasta was done. I am so tired right now that it is hard not to just shut off this laptop and go to sleep. I didn’t do the dishes. There was no way I was going to do that. My mother cleared the table after I finished. I was so wiped out. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to rest. I hope I don’t have problems sleeping tonight. I also hope to stay asleep through the night. Waking up at 3 am is not fun. Just throws me off for the entire day.

Tomorrow I plan on going into Boston to give a urine specimen. I need to find out if I have an infection or not. I am glad the urge to pee has settled down some. I hope it is because of the bladder medication I have been taking. I know that this medication increases constipation and I didn’t want to take it but the uro said it could help so I am taking it. I just got to keep up with taking the other medication for the bowels. I now have to keep track of the time between voids/cathing. It is a pain in the ass. I also got to keep track of the last time I had a bowel movement. The B&Bs always needs to be in the back of my mind. I hate that I need to consciously keep track of them. Because the moment I don’t keep track, things get fucked up.

I got a get well card from a friend in the UK. She sent me a bag of Yorkshire tea so I will be having it tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to try it. I was very happy to get a card from my friend. It means so much to me. She is a very good friend. I have known her for years. If I ever get to the UK, it will be a long trip to see all of my friends that are scattered throughout the country.

not too much to ask

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Not too much to ask

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Not too much to ask. It was a song that she did with Joe Diffie. Joe recently passed away due to the corona virus. I always loved the song.

I had therapy this morning without coffee. She said I wasn’t catastrophizing and she wasn’t sure why. I find it funny that she thinks these things. We talked about how I have skills and use them when needed. I just didn’t know I was using skills to cope with stuff. She wanted me to take in these things for when I am not feeling well. She also wants me to think about how to cope using these skills when I am having a hard time. It was a productive session even if I blanked out towards the end. I was tired and my back was hurting me most of the day today. It just hurts to move.

I didn’t receive a call from OT and hope she doesn’t call tomorrow as I don’t want to see her anymore. I just don’t think there is anything she can do for me. I am able to do stuff. I just don’t have the stamina to do it for long. I went to the store and back and I had to take a nap. I was so exhausted. My therapist thinks that because I am recovering from surgery I don’t have the emotional bandwidth that I normally have. It makes sense. I can only recover and until my body is 90% or so, I am not going to be with it. I guess that is why I have been in a weird mood, neither depressed nor happy. If I were to name it I would say that I am content, which is what I always strive for. I don’t believe in happiness. Happiness is just a fleeting emotion like everything else. Being content is what makes me feel right. I don’t know if this is going to last but I will take it. Beats being in a depressed state.

I need to shower but my back has been in spasms most of the day. Walking to the store really strained things. I have been in a state of exhaustion since coming home. I took two naps and I am still tired. Tonight I have decided that from now on, around 7 pm I am going to blog. I want to get into a routine again and seeing as I have a shit load of time on my hands I think setting a time aside to write will give me some sort of routine. If I feel like writing during another time of day, that is okay as long as I use this time to write my blog or journal or whatever. The important thing is that I write. That will be my goal each day to write. Seems simple but it really isn’t. But you got to start somewhere.