Tag: disability

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

I had a rough time sleeping. Pain kept me up till about 0330, then just as I was going to sleep, the power went out. I wouldn’t have cared except my ceiling fan was now off and I didn’t want to get hot again. Within 5 minutes or so, it came back on and I snoozed. I woke up as my mother was going downstairs. No idea what time it was but a few minutes later my med alarm went off. I shut it off and got up to take them. I then rolled over and went to sleep till around noon.

I needed coffee. I haven’t really been drinking any caffeine this past week as I don’t want it interfering with my sleep. But my head was like coffee, coffee, coffee, so I gave in. I have like 3 or 4 bottles of Starbucks Iced Coffee in my fridge so I don’t want it going to waste! I had a cup and a pop tart. I could barely finish the second pop tart. I was just full. I don’t remember if I finished my coffee (it was a huge cup). I had drank most of it so I was caffeinated. I was contemplating what to do today. I had to burn some CDs. They are really old that I wanted as MP3s. I was grateful my computer recognized them as they were in .wma format. Ya, kids, look that up! My second goal was to finished reading this new book by friend’s husband called Langford’s Leap. I really struggled not to stay up all night reading. It is that good! And I am getting to the good stuff. The first few chapters are leaving you wondering where this is going and then boom, it all comes together. It is a really good book. I highly recommend this. My last goal for the day was going to return the brace that I bought at Walgreens. I am sad that this one is closing and I have to go to the “newer” one down the opposite street. Still within walking distance (it is around the corner) but I know all the staff and there. I am going to miss them. I got to call my PCP’s office Monday to get my pharmacy changed over. Just sucks. I really feel bad for the latest pharmacy manager that took over. It has only been a few months she has been manager. I have no idea if she will be at the new location.

So I have done most of the things I set out to do except read the book. I am waiting for my sister to show up with my mother’s shopping. My mother got cold cuts and I could really go for a turkey sandwich. I wanted to go to Stop and Shop to get the things I need for the recipe I want to make but I still have no energy to do it. Too much walking involved. My heel is killing me just from going around the corner to return the brace. I still need to do my PT exercises. I didn’t do them yesterday. I wanted to but then my damn ankle flared up and just didn’t want to do them anymore. I’ve only don’t them once this week, least as far as I remember. I don’t remember Wednesday at all. I thought today was Sunday. I just feel so off because of that stupid insomnia bout. I really hope it doesn’t happen again.

My psychiatrist has not responded to any email I have sent this week. I feel really sad about it because she usually responds to at least one or two. I still don’t have an appointment with her because she hasn’t responded to my emails. Been sending one all week. I think she responded to the one I sent Monday about melatonin but haven’t heard from her otherwise. Monday I see the social worker in my PCP’s office. It is funny because she sent me a message last night about where her office was. She gave me directions and I laughed. I know all the buildings at the hospital campus, probably better than she does. I worked there a lot of years and had to go from one building to another. It is no wonder my CRPS ankle was shot by the end of a shift or two shifts (I was working in two departments when my ankle got really bad). And this hospital is not small. I am going to ask the social worker about the therapist situation. I thought it was an outright referral but I had to have an intake and that is still a month away before I hear anything. I hope I can walk there but not sure what state my heel/foot/ankle will be. It is getting better but I have been immobile all week, giving it the rest it needs. But there are times I am walking around the house and my heel flares up for whatever reason. The new brace I bought I need to wear today. I will when I go back downstairs. I got to get used to it and “break” it in.

shitty week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shitty week

This week has been the roughest I have had in a while. Monday night I had pain that drove me crazy. I did not get any sleep, except for maybe an hour and half. I went to PT and then hoped I would crash when I got home. This wasn’t meant to be. I had taken a lot of magnesium during the night so my bowels were off. I tried sleeping but couldn’t settle down. Ativan had lost it’s magic. It calmed me down but I just could not sleep. I think between my left ankle and right heel pain, my brain was fried and couldn’t shut off. I had ordered some melatonin as I was desperate. I was up almost 40 hours before I finally got more than 2 hours sleep. Wednesday I tried to sleep most of the day but couldn’t really. I would sleep for 4 or 5 hours and then be up. My appetite was shot. I had only one meal a day, if that. Tuesday night my mother had made hamburgers that were really greasy. My stomach got all bloated and I was having reflux. I took two dose of Mylanta to settle it but the gas persisted into Thursday. Mylanta contains magnesium so the two doses caused another episode of the runs. I swear the next time I am backed up, I am just going to take magnesium.

Wednesday night I finally had decent sleep. I was wicked hungover yesterday and my brain hurt so much. I felt dizzy and my head just felt all cloudy. When I took the Lamictal last night, the head stuff and dizziness went away. So today I am splitting the tablets, taking half in the morning and half at bedtime. So far, I haven’t felt dizzy so I think I was having slight withdrawal from the stupid med! I had done a ton of switching to find out what med was causing this and when I figured it out, I was aggravated. I emailed my psych today to tell her. I also asked for an appointment because we don’t have one on the books since I cancel whenever I was supposed to see her. I honestly have no clue when I was supposed to see her. Everything is blurred as the days just melted into one another. I missed writing my blog but I was having a hard time trying to focus. The stuff I posted on social media, I don’t remember half of it (see yesterday’s post). I know I was long winded. But I have been having internet problems so I didn’t want to use my laptop. And my phone’s connections kept going from wifi to my phone’s data. It is driving me nuts. I spoke with my company and I might need a new modem as this one is “old” even though I have had it for about two years now.

Last night I had my first meal since Tuesday night. All I had Wednesday was a protein bar from what I remember. I didn’t want to eat anything because I didn’t want the gas and reflux to come back. The reflux was so bad that I had woken up one of the nights with a burning in my esophagus. It was so bad, it inflamed it causing me to think something was stuck in my throat. The feeling finally dissipated sometime yesterday.

I lost track of my transition but my facial hair is getting more defined though still not around my face. Just my sideburns, goatee area (with a space) and my mustache. My breasts have shrunk thankfully. I haven’t had much time to think about top surgery. I am still thinking about it on my back burner for now.

There is going to be some changes in my living situation by the end of the month. My sister unfortunately for evicted because the owner is selling the house. Rent is not cheap in my area and first, last, and deposit are ridiculously expensive. She would need at least eight grand to live in a place. So my nephew and sis will be here. I am losing my office space, which I am not happy about but my mother is being stubborn about giving up space in the living room. When I talked with my sisters, the office was going to be a storage space. I went to the store and when I came back, it is being turned into a bedroom, which I don’t know how as a twin mattress can barely fit in there. My sister is thinking it will. Good luck because there won’t be too much room once it is in there! I just hope they aren’t noisy as lately when I get into a flare or am slightly tired, like I am now, sound affects me big time. Just listening to my mother’s TV hurts my head. The kitchen TV is the worst as sound travels throughout the house. If I didn’t have to keep an ear out for my mother, I would use ear plugs. I might use them at dinner as I don’t think I can handle the fucking TV today.

My CRPS foot has been awful all week. I’ve tried everything I could. I finally emailed my PT to find out about the TENS unit my neuro ordered. She (PT) had said some guy comes to the office to show people how to use them. The lady that works with him called today and because they don’t take my insurance due to low reimbursements, I will have to pay out of pocket. I emailed my PT to see if there is another place that accepts my insurance and asked if the Walgreens brand or brand name (forget who it is) is as good. They run much cheaper than the out of pocket cost. I might be able to get it off Amazon or something. I will wait to hear back from her. I wouldn’t be able to get it now anyways. Foot is constantly buzzing. I’ve had to use a compression sock but eventually it digs into me and I have to take it off. Luckily because I have been so immobile last few days, I haven’t been in super pain. Heel is still an asshole. I bought a new brace that is all Velcro to lace up. Wore it while having dinner. By the time I came back to my room, I had to take it off. It is really tight but the larger size was too large and I couldn’t get it on properly. It help my heel pain a little though, so maybe I just need to break it in. I have chubby ankles and of course these damn braces are made for skinny ones. Just a bias of the way everything and product thinks people are, skinny! Pisses me off.

L Shaped Pain and Cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

L shaped pain and cooking

I had a really hard time sleeping last night, again. I finally was able to sleep around 5 am. Nothing was working and then I got the pain from hell in my foot. It felt like it wanted to contract but couldn’t so it just hurt. Then it got ice cold, then burning hot. I was taking it in and out of the covers because the sheets were bothering it. I was getting so fucking annoyed. I also got really suicidal and starting planning. I also wrote my will and a few notes. I just got to put them in envelopes. I really have had enough. I don’t know if I will go through with it, but I have a few weeks before I really decide.

I woke up around 1230 because my bladder was going to explode. I really didn’t want to go downstairs because my sisters had called a “family” meeting. I had told them not to wake me as I just basically been up since Thursday 1 pm with only 4 hours sleep at that point. I listened before going downstairs and there was nothing so I used the bathroom. Then when I came back to my room, I had to go again for number 2. UGH, don’t know why my body can’t empty in one go. I got hungry so just made a sandwich and then the hunger just got worse. I had a bowl of cereal. I wanted to make the Kielbasa I bought. My niece gave me a recipe she uses but it uses apricot preserves, bourbon, and a slow cooker. I didn’t have that. So I got another recipe with just three ingredients and used that. It came out really good, even though I sort of burned the sausage. The glaze was really thick and I don’t think I will be able to eat the left overs as I fear it is just going to become rock solid in the fridge.

While I was waiting for the Neurontin to work last night, I decided to read this book my friend’s husband wrote. OMG this is book is so good! It is sci-fi and I really am into it. I couldn’t believe that I read two chapters in just under an hour, which kind of sucked because I thought it was going to help me sleep, not wake me up with questions of what is going to happen next. I am already trying to figure out what is going to happen next. The book is by Ted Boone and is called Langford’s Leap. He is a new author. I don’t think he hired an editor and just did it himself. People have been telling him there have been errors along the way, including me. So I know what that is like. He read my book Darkness. He liked it but fortunately doesn’t suffer from mental illness so couldn’t relate (said so in the review, the first!) I was happy to have an honest review (also glad he didn’t mention any errors, if there were any. I just re did the book).

I am drifting off so I don’t care it is 6 pm. Going to take my night meds and hope they knock me out rather than keep me up. I had switched a lot of my night meds to morning and I still haven’t been able to solve the sleep enigma.

Feeling ill with no sleep and little appetite

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling ill with no sleep and little appetite

I realized when I got on my laptop today that it has been almost three days since my last post. It has been difficult to write because I haven’t been sleeping well and pain has been a bitch. Also been feeling under the weather the past few days and not sure if I am getting a cold or what. My voice has been all over the fricken map. I think I am going to email my doc and be like when is this going to stabilize because I can’t stand one minute I have vocals and the next I don’t or sound like a frog! I know this is a process but I thought it would be gradual progression not a constant up and down thing. I did a pic on IG. You can definitely see a change and my chin is being more defined. Just wish I could lose a little weight to get rid of the fat under it.

I have been trying to eat but lately I just don’t feel like it. Not sure if this is mood related or because I am just not feeling well. One minute I feel fine and the next dizzy and weak. I’ve been at least trying to increase my fluids but even that is difficult. I was supposed to see my psych today but I didn’t fall asleep till almost 7 am this morning. My sleep has been so fucking awful. I am not sure if my last post said that a social worker called for a phone eval for a therapist. I thought the social worker that works with my PCP was just going to outright refer me to someone and then they would call me. Now I got to wait six weeks to find out if they will take me on. Fuck. It doesn’t really matter any as right now I am having so much trouble walking and going out it isn’t funny anymore. Since my double appointment last week, I have been recovering. I thought I was okay but Tuesday I had gone out after putting my groceries away and I guess that was too much. My right calf is just horrible and the more I try and stretch it or walk, it just kills. I also had cramps in my foot the other day which freaked me out. I have been sleeping with a pillow between my legs since because I think my left foot has been pressing on the golf ball, causing it to cramp because I have overused the muscles so much. I really don’t like this going to one appointment or go out for something, like getting my haircut, and then being immobile the next few days. I really can’t limp on either leg for support because that just makes it worse. When I am downstairs I use the walker to get around so I am not putting so much weight on my legs. I still sort of limp unconsciously. Then the heel pain jacks up and I really am done. For two days, my CRPS pain was down the lowest it had ever been. I think it was because the heel pain was so high it couldn’t process the other pain. Well, last night while moving the pillow under the sheets, I “hit” my big toe on the CRPS foot and set it off. Then I moved my ankle two hours after taking the breakthrough med and I was up all night. I was so fricken tired I couldn’t get comfortable. I was playing with the pillows, turning it this way and that, then switching to the body pillow but couldn’t get that right either. I was so fucking annoyed.

I was supposed to go do an errand for my mother today but because I haven’t been feeling well, my mother did it. I forgot to renew my T-pass for the month so will have to pay when I go out again. I am hoping I can go to the Square tomorrow to get the ground beef I need for my barber’s dish I been promising him. Then I have been waiting for two bills to clear my checking account only to find out I never paid them. I think I paid the majority of my bills in the early morning on Wed when I got paid, went back to sleep with the thoughts of doing it when I got up, and forgot. Oh well. I am glad I paid today because one of them was due tomorrow. Oops!

Because I am not seeing my psych, I have been emailing her to try and get the Lamictal called in. I’ve sent her two emails because Sunday is my last dose and I don’t have anymore. I hated cancelling but I really didn’t feel well and will being up all night, I didn’t think it was a good idea. If I have to, I will try and Uber to my PT appointment Tuesday. I hope that this PT regimen will pay off because I didn’t have as much calf pain as I do now since the whole stretching bullshit. I have had to modify how long I hold the stretch to just ten seconds and rest a bit before doing another. Last night I got so annoyed, I just did two stretches and think I positioned the belt wrong because my ankle flared up. Like WTF. Seems like every time I do something I have one step forward and ten back! I just decided I am just going to do what I can to try and get my ankle and foot functioning but it is so damn hard when pain stops you. The heel pain is so fucking intense it literally consumes the whole of you. I’ve never had pain that bad before, aside from the CRPS pain, but this is probably worse! Least the pain meds are controlling the CRPS pain. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol for the heel pain. Nothing else seems to work. There was a study on using these two together to reduce pain after hip replacement surgery. Pain relief was only for three days but I will take it if it calms it down enough for me to do the exercises and not flare it back up. Standing after I have been reclining in bed for a while is the worse because my CRPS ankle bones feel like they are being crushed and that pain takes a while to subside before I can put my right foot down, while then my heel starts hurting. How I have been walking is beyond me. Maybe I should consider a cortisone shot though it goes against my beliefs. I had one cortisone injection in my wrist many years ago and it helped the tendonitis pain I was having. Maybe one shot will do the trick and then I won’t hurt so much. I got the new ankle brace (the 4th one I am trying). I didn’t realize it had straps to go underneath. That might aggravate the golf ball and heel. I will have to try it out. Just getting up the nerve to use it. LOL