Tag: FTM

don’t call me daughter 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 3

Warning I am very tired so this might be a little ragged and out of sorts…

I’m having withdrawal symptoms because I forgot to take my pain meds before therapy. I usually take it when I reach his office because it’s around the time I usually take it. Idiot I am. Anyways, I came to a realization after therapy that got me thinking of the title of this blog.

We were talking and he absentmindedly called me a she instead of a he. I guess my reaction was unconscious because he quickly corrected himself. I realized after therapy as I was walking to the station why my mother had upset me so much yesterday and that was because she called me “daughter”. Any female pronouns or use of the word “daughter” will set off a suicidal cascade, which we talked about in therapy. Well, not so much about being the wrong gender but the fact she called me a lazy bastard on Mother’s day.

We spent some time talking about it. He wanted to know my plan because he got the sense I was suicidal. Sometimes I am without me knowing about it because it’s second nature to me. When he miscued and called me a she instead of a he, I really felt degraded. I have been thinking about talking about transgender with him the last 24 hours and I just didn’t bring it up today because the whole Mother’s day incident really had me upset.

I didn’t talk about the nerve pain that sent me over the edge over the weekend and that I was feeling while in his office. I had a bowel movement and it hurt really bad. It wasn’t a crime scene like it was the other day but I was still bleeding a lot. I am going to have to see my doc about what I can do because the pain is so damn bad. He is too new to talk to about this stuff. I wish I could just send him my blogs but he wants me to read them to him. I don’t like reading what I write up, unless it’s a clinical paper or something.

I really need to talk about the transgender piece because it drives me to suicide whenever my mother calls me a “Miss” or “my dear” in her condescending tone that she uses. I just feel so misunderstood about who I am though I know I am a male but to the world I am a fucking female because of the fucking things on my chest.

Saturday Blog 77

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Apparently, I wrote a blog early this morning. I vaguely remember writing it. I have been so out of it lately that it’s hard to remember things. I made my coffee and read my book for most of the day. I didn’t think a Kay Redfield Jamison book could annoy me but this one has. I hate it when authors go back and forth between date and years. That is my biggest pet peeve. She does it in this book and it really has me confused. I hope the whole book isn’t like this. It will drive me crazy.

I ordered Chinese for dinner. I had to order from a different place than last time because my mother didn’t like it. Then she complained about this place’s food. UGH. I can’t win with her. Eating the food has made me sleepy. I hope to catch a nap, if my ankle pain goes down a few notches. It crept up really bad around the time that I had to take my next dose of pain meds. I am hoping it will settle down soon. I really don’t want to break out the strong pain pill this early. I have been taking it nearly every day all week, at different times because the pain has been so damn bad. I am going to need a refill on it. If the doc asks me why, I will tell him the pain has been bad and I have been using it more because the regular pain meds just aren’t touching the severe pain I have been experiencing. I told him this the last time I saw him and I didn’t get a response.

I was able to finally shower today. I even brushed my teeth. I have been doing better with brushing but there are some days I forget or just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it because I don’t want another cavity.

My chest feel heavy. And I don’t think it’s a physical problem. I just feel weighed down with stuff. I still haven’t done much promoting for my book. I haven’t found a therapist. My psychiatrist hasn’t responded to the emails I sent her. The voices are getting riled up because they can. I have been better with the trilafon but sometimes the voices like to break through, especially when I am anxious or nervous about something. Lately it has been around my pain because it causes my anxiety/PTSD to go up. Plus this has been an anniversary week, which I am glad is over with.

The hit I took from my mother mocking me yesterday is still there. One of these days, I am going to snap back at her. I imagined having a conversation with her about being transgender but all the kept going through my head was her saying she doesn’t believe me and that I am not a boy. That will just about kill me to hear it out loud. I don’t think I would be able to handle it, not without a therapist in place. I know I could call my psychiatrist but my psych still thinks I am a girl, too. She hasn’t out right said it but I can tell when I bring it up she isn’t totally comfortable with it. And she still calls me my birth name when she calls me on the phone. It’s hard to get away from. I keep saying I will legally change it but the way things are right now, I don’t think it will be wise. I would rather die than go through some discriminatory process or worse. Plus with my paranoia surrounding it, I am terrified of being on some database to be locked up some where one day. Just makes me really suicidal.

I never made it to the post office today. It was very cold and icy this morning. I didn’t want to risk walking there and twisting my ankle. That would not be good. I’ll go Monday as that is the day before the next storm hits. Maybe I will even venture out to Starbucks and get my espresso drink. Hard to believe I have been in the house all damn week. I know I am going to be sore as hell once I start walking again.

I have been thinking of taking some baclofen in the morning. Trouble is that within a few hours, I get sleepy and dizzy from it and need to lie down. I think I might take half a pill and see if I can adjust. Maybe it will help the pain because the spasms that I feel aren’t doing me much good and I can’t keep taking Ativan all the time. My psych would flip if she knew how much I had been taking most of the week. I haven’t been overdosing or anything but one day, I was taking it like every 6 hours. I only know this because I would take it with my pain meds, not the strong one, the regular ones. I just wanted to sleep that day and was taking anything that would do the job. Pain has been really bad and it’s not helping my mood at all.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

Because I took the senna last night, even though I had loose stool yesterday, I have been going to the bathroom most of the day. And I have been finding that my menses have returned for whatever reason. I am beyond pissed because I stopped the pill earlier this month because of bleeding. It’s the middle of the week so I can’t stop it, again, until Sunday. It’s only minor bleeding but still, it bothers me because it shouldn’t be happening. I am also wondering if this has played a part in me feeling super suicidal yesterday morning. I still feel suicidal but not to the degree I was yesterday. I was even ranting about being suicidal last night on Twitter.

I called my pdoc this afternoon to check in with her. I also needed some more trilafon. So far, it hasn’t been called in. It will be the only reason for me to go back out again today. I had gone to Starbucks for iced coffee, which didn’t help my bowel situation, but I wanted the cold brew coffee. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. I also got my burgers for lunch and dinner.

I told my pdoc that the voices are still kicking around but the trilafon is keeping them from getting worse. I really hope there isn’t a problem with the pharmacy like the last time or I am going to flip out. If anything, I need this medication to help keep me stable. It’s the only medication I am willing to take at this point. If I don’t get it, I will have to go in the hospital and that could get messy, especially with me bleeding. I HATE going into the hospital with feminine products while trying to be transgender. It’s just humiliation. I don’t know how long the bleed is going to last. I am really surprised I got it twice in the same month because I have been careful to try and keep it on schedule, give or take a half hour or so. I think there was one day where I took it really late because I took a nap. Other than that I have been keeping to a time table.

My therapist called. She is trying to see if we can have a session today but it doesn’t look likely, unless someone cancels. I told her flat out I was still suicidal. I don’t know if the hormones are playing a factor but she wants me to consider going to the Boston LGBTQ clinic. I have been hesitant to do so because I am not ready to go forth with my transition. Yesterday I got my birth certificate so at the end of July, I will be changing my name. I think once I get my name changed on every document, I might go with hormone treatment. Until then, it’s just waiting out the damn suicidal periods that come with being something I am not.

Last night or the night before I was reading my blogs. I found out that the voices have been active since January. They are active all the time but for me to make note of them being especially noisy is a cause of concern because a couple days later is when I marked when my depression started. This means the voices have been going on longer than I thought, which is why I am so psychotic and paranoid. Granted the events of what happened in Orlando and Istanbul haven’t helped ease my paranoia but it’s starting to look like I might need a hospitalization sooner rather than later. I just don’t want all the voices to go away because then I will feel lonely and sad. I really don’t feel that messed up. It’s only when they want me to take more pills that things get out of hand. But the trilafon keeps those voices at bay. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I wish I was seeing her tomorrow. I might page her again, if I feel like talking.