Tag: hopelessness

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.

Protected: dark thoughts running through my brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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hopelessness and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hopelessness and other things

I only got about 3 hours sleep and woke up around 5 am. Yucky hour. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t. I even took some Ativan but once I am up, I am up. I didn’t want to sleep and then have the alarm go off. I knew I would feel terrible. I made breakfast and coffee. I had enough time to catch the 0845 bus so around 0830, I got dressed. I got to Starbucks and ordered an eggnog latte with 3 shots of espresso and a lemon cake. I brought my laptop hoping to work on my story but inspiration failed me. I gave up and then started writing in my journal. I wrote about a paragraph when I got hit with intense hopelessness out of the blue. I wasn’t writing anything specific, least I don’t remember. But it was awful. I felt like my world was going to end at any minute. I tried to shrug it off but it was latched to me like glue.

I got a text saying the red line was delayed so I packed up my things and walked to the station, hoping I would get hit by a semi. Everything just seemed so depressing and bleak. I know I had a discouraging morning as more and more evidence is being pumped into the opioid crisis, even though reports specifically say it is heroin and illicit fentanyl doing most of the ODs. But they are coming for drug makers now, telling them they can only produce so many kilos of the stuff in the upcoming year. That is fair to the legit chronic pain patients who don’t abuse and take their pain meds the way they are supposed to. The joint commission is also proposing ways to treat pain non pharmacologically. I dreaded reading this word because I knew what it meant and I was right. I guess all this stuff finally sunk in and now I was feeling hopeless about being a chronic pain patient and not being able to get pain meds due to shortages. If I was in the hospital again, I might have a harder time getting pain meds.

I made my way to my psychiatrist’s office and just had enough time to pee and then walk to her office. I got there within 5 minutes to spare. I asked her if I should still be in therapy and she shocked me. She said it was up to me. She also said it was a privilege to see a therapist. That I failed to see. I almost started crying because I thought of the pain of my former therapist and how she left me high and dry with no reason for termination. I also told my psych that my current therapist and I don’t have the interaction like we do. She asked and said rapport? I said yea. I could be talking the whole 45 minutes and then he says see you next week. I just am tired of therapy. I know it is useful. I know there are benefits in seeing someone but I just can’t anymore. I think I got to heal some after being dumped by someone who I knew for 16 years. Now I just got to let my therapist know this. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I owe him some money as I have gotten behind in paying him. Also doesn’t help that he doesn’t give me statements every month so I am just guessing what I owe him.

I am relieved my psych is just putting it on me to decide whether or not I should be in therapy. I was nervous about bringing it up. She asked what I was doing for Christmas and I told her. She busted out laughing when I told her I was ordering Chinese food on Christmas Eve while the rest of my family eats fish. In all my years knowing her, I never heard her laugh so hard. I felt better when I left her office.

I had to pick up some bread for my mother so did that on the way home. Then I stopped in the liquor store across the street but I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I might ask my sister for a bottle of red wine made by Mark West. It’s one of my favorite reds.

bone pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bone pain and other things

Around 11, I was feeling tired so decided to nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but my mother woke me up to help her put on an ace bandage on her leg to help with swelling. I laid down and was okay for about 10-15 minutes. Then pain in my malleolus erupted severely. It hurt so bad I was crying. I couldn’t move to sit up to take pain meds, it was that bad. I waited for it to settle down, and it never did so I carefully moved to take my meds. I then emailed my neurologist to find out of this was CRPS related or if something else was going on. I then posted on my Facebook CRPS support group to see if anyone else had this kind of pain. I just wanted to die.

I got a few responses from the group saying they had experienced similar pains. After a while I started to get hungry but I still hurt and had no idea how I was going to make myself some lunch. I waited for my pain meds to kick in. After a while the pain subsided but didn’t go away completely. The bone was still very tender. I decided to wear the boot so I could keep pressure off it. But I had to stand in order to do so. I carefully stood and I was in pain but it was bearable. I got the backpack that had the boot and took it out. I put my foot in the boot but then another pain emerged. I made it down the stairs carefully and tried to let the boot do its job by not bearing weight.

I went to the kitchen and made an egg McMuffin. I had a soda with it because I didn’t feel like having juice. After I ate, I decided to see if there was mail. So I went down the stairs again. The mail hadn’t come yet. I went to my sisters to have some junk food. She had some chocolate covered nuts so I had some of those as well as some chips. Then I made it back up to my room. I still wanted a nap. I had an hour to kill before the state called me for an interview for food stamps. I was getting really sleepy. I set my timer for 45 mins and laid down, hoping my foot didn’t flare up again. About ten minutes in, my loud mouth aunt comes over. JFC, really?? I was so fucking pissed off. If she didn’t shut her mouth, I was going to shut it for her. Luckily she quieted down after a few minutes and I tried to nap. Before I knew it, the timer ran down and went off. UGH I didn’t want to get up. My loud mouth aunt was still visiting my mother and I had to go to the bathroom. Good thing I went because the hardware in the tank was running water. Guess that was why the water bill was high. I did my business after bringing this to my mother’s attention. My brother in law would have to fix it as I had no clue how the thing worked.

The place called at the appointed time and promptly, placed me on hold. Nice. I waited a few minutes and got connected to someone. I swear I was on the phone for 10 minutes after giving them a little information and then she said they would mail me out a letter of the documents they needed and I had to send them within 30 days. Complete waste of fucking time!! Why couldn’t they send me that in the two letters they sent me this week!!??? I was aggravated.

I wasn’t hungry as I felt pretty full off the junk food I ate. But I wanted something. My mother was cooking something so I went downstairs to see what it was. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a sandwich and was overfull. I shouldn’t have eaten it but oh well. Least I won’t be hungry later on. I wanted to make a cup of tea but didn’t feel like making it. I started my blog and my mother screamed my name. I hurried to see what she wanted. Someone was on the phone and she couldn’t hear what they were saying. I picked up the phone in her room and it was a telemarketer for windows. I told them I wasn’t interested and to take me off their list. The jerk hung up on me!! Bitch.

Going to have a glass of wine before I change my mind. My sister bought my mother my favorite kind of red wine and I have been craving a glass. I don’t have wine that often, if at all. I’ll probably have half a glass as that is usually plenty. Cheers!