Tag: hopelessness

Need for Affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Need for Affiliation

We all feel the need to affiliate, to have this connectedness to one another and to have our work validated and to be validated for who we are. When this doesn’t happen, we tend to feel alone and worthless. Over time this builds up and may lead to depression which then leads potentially to suicide.

In his lifetime work, Edwin Shniedman thinks that there are 20 needs that leads to suicide and affiliation is one of those, along with validation. I guess I have been feeling like lately my work has not had too much affiliation. I have not had too many comments like I have in the past and my readership has dwindled. I have tried to figure out why things have been bothering me so much and I think this is why. I no longer feel like I have affiliation with anyone in regards to my work. I haven’t gotten a good job or I have been through what you have been through in weeks. I know it sounds silly, but to me it means a lot. I am not saying that I am going to die because I don’t have this. It just is another reason for my unhappiness. Now that I know this I can bring it up with my therapist and come up with ways of dealing with it. Because we all have these needs, some more than others.

black cloud

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I started rewriting my story about my suicide attempt. I thought it would be easy but it was grueling just to get three pages done. I have become such a concise writer that to make things go longer is difficult for me. But at least I have the first three done and then I can work on that for the next century.

I had a difficult day. I woke up at 04:00 and didn’t go back to sleep till 05:30 just to wake up around 10:00. I tried to stay in bed but I was hungry to got up and drank a shake to fill me up. I just didn’t want to get out of bed and have spent most of the day in bed, just writing or playing games on Facebook. I have been trying to get my missions caught up but bloody hell, every time you finish one, another one pops up in its place. I am so sick of playing but at least this time I have something to do with myself. I haven’t showered yet but I think I will put that off till tomorrow too. I will brush my teeth or at least try to. I still feel really crummy and don’t know why. I just feel like everything is far from my grasp and I just can’t reach it. I also just want to die. I so want to hang myself off the back porch but I just can’t do it because of my nieces. I do not want them to see me like that.
I want to go out tomorrow and go to Starbucks. This time I will bring my laptop to write a few more pages of my book that probably will never get published. It probably will, I just don’t know if I will be alive to see it. I just feel so downhearted today. Like everything is clouded in darkness. I know the black dog has followed me a few times but this is different. This is like a black cloud that is there, raining down on me as I get soaked with misery and despair. I don’t have the strength to fight it. I just let it be. I am powerless against it anyway. It’s not like an umbrella would solve the issue or anything.

I got a letter from my Primary care doc saying they had to cancel my appointment and gave me another one in its place. I can’t go at that time because I have group. On one hand I feel like this is a good excuse to get out of group but I am new and feel I should be making an effort to go. I am skipping this week because I have to take my father to his doctors appt. I don’t know if this group is helping me. I end up feeling worse afterwards rather than better.

I have been texting my therapist all weekend just to keep her in the loop of my dire straits. I don’t know why she wants me to text her everyday other than the obvious but I really don’t care.

Today was my cousin’s bridal shower. I didn’t go because I just didn’t feel like going to a “woman’s” event. I know it would have broken up the monotony of the day but I don’t really have dress clothes that fit me anymore since I put on weight. I just don’t have the energy to think of those kind of things. I really have to try and lose weight for the wedding next month. Thing is losing weight is an uphill battle and seeing as depression takes most of my energy, I can only fight one demon at a time. Seeing as the depression is the demon that controls my life, it is sensible that all other demons will have to wait. It sucks but it is true. No point in trying to lose weight if you are dead.

Austin and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today was a difficult day. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had group therapy. I first stopped for coffee and had about a half hour to kill before leaving so had something to eat with my coffee. As I am sitting there checking twitter and eating, the guy in front of me sniffles. I then sniffle. We both started talking about sniffling. Well, that wasn’t the whole conversation but that is how it started. We talked a little bit about our lives and what we were up to. We became coffee buddies. I do hope I see him tomorrow, though he says that he gets there early and I am not an early riser. I was only there early because I had my appt with my psychiatrist. His name is Austin. He was telling me how people mess up spelling his name and I asked how. He said with a W. I thought, oh geez. As I left to go on my way, I asked him when he was there most days and he said that time (before 1000), which is way early for me. But who knows. Maybe he will be the reason I get up in the morning and get out of the house for my one cup of coffee.

My appt with my psych went well. This week was our twentieth anniversary. I can’t believe it. I met her when I was 17 yrs old. That was a long time ago. I never wanted to leave her and she never wanted to leave me. So the card I got her it says that we have a weird relationship. That is why we are together, or something like that. I didn’t write anything more profound. I just didn’t have the time but thought those words were enough. She was happy and said that I was the most thoughtful person she knew. I gave her 20 cake pops to represent our 20 years together. I didn’t think of anything else to get her that wasn’t too expensive and too much. I know I should have but sometimes giving gifts to a psychiatrist can be tricky.

I then went to group therapy and like last week, I had intense feelings of wanting to kill myself after the group. This time was because the walk was too much. I got within a block of the building when my foot decided it didn’t want to go any further. It was raining and cold. I pushed further to get to group. It was the same trouble getting back to the train station. I was within a block of the station when my foot got too tired so was doing whatever it walk. At one point I just stuck it out like a penguin’s foot and walk like that for a few steps. It didn’t help but it got me closer to the station. I know tomorrow I am going to be hurting. It is the price I pay for walking.

Group therapy went ok. But again I felt really bad afterwards and called my therapist because I was in crisis again. I promised myself I wouldn’t go ahead with my plans because of my psychiatrist. It is our twentieth anniversary and I just couldn’t give her a present and then kill myself that week. That would be awful of me to do to her. So again I put off death. But I didn’t put off my therapist. She wants to meet tomorrow. She is sick with a cold and I am secretly hoping she loses her voice so she can’t talk. But knowing her she will talk anyway or I will have to talk more. Either way I am stuck with this crazy person.

I wasn’t sure I would finish this paper today. I had a couple of bowel accidents thanks to what I hope to be overdoing it on fiber pills. I had the runs and crapped my pants. I just don’t have any control over loose stool because of my nerve condition CES. I lost control after my fourth surgery. It has been six years now and I don’t think I am going to regain those nerves. It really sucks. The worse part was that my mother had to clean it up. Talk about feeling like a baby. All she kept asking me was to take Imodium but that would cause more problems for me as then I would get too backed up. I hate talking about bowels on my blog but today there is no way around it. It is shitty talk but it brings out the worse suicidal rage in me. I had to email my psychiatrist and tell her I took an extra Ativan because I just couldn’t deal. It was either that or OD on Neurontin which would have just turned me into a Zombie tomorrow. But that is how I cope. I don’t really want to cut. I don’t have the urge but I do want to crawl under a rock and die. I am so embarrassed and humiliated. My dignity went out into the toilet. And I don’t think I can get it back.

What started off as a good day went to the crapper. All because I lost control of my sphincter. That is what it is like living with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome

what it’s like to be in physical pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Last night I was in wicked bad pain. I started to think about ending my life again. The pain was that bad. I don’t know what caused my pain to flair up. I didn’t do anything more than I usually do when I have a day to chill, which is most days. I took a walk to the post office and sub shop to get a sub, then went to the liquor store to get a drink and cash my scratch ticket. Then walked home. I guess I was walking out of sorts as I didn’t wear my AFO. It sucks to use it for short walks but I guess me not wearing it is causing some flare ups.

Today pain is not that bad. I did some reading on a big book that I am reading, Alexander Hamilton. I am making headway slow but sure. I have to read it when I am not too tired as my eyesight will become unfocused now. It really sucks but this week I am going to visual therapy to correct it. My eye muscles just need some adjusting. I should also be taking a multivitamin but it is a pain to remember everything I have to take. Last week I filled my weekly pill holder with everything I have to take with extras such as omega 3, vitamin d, senna, and iron. My night time meds looked like a meal. I normally take at least a half dozen pills a night, not including my pain or anxiety meds so with these pills added, there were a lot. Then I had to eat something to cover it so to coat my stomach. I tried not to eat too much, just a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast. But sometimes I will have a meal, like scrambled eggs and toast. My eating habits are not usual as I don’t eat regularly. I tend to eat every 6 or 7 hours, if that. And usually only have one or two meals a day, even though I am home and it isn’t good. I just don’t have an appetite most days.

I take a lot of meds for my various medical and psychiatric illnesses. I used to only take meds for my psych condition but since CES entered my life, I am on more meds than I can shake a stick at. And that is if I am having a good day. A bad day, I take more, especially to control the pain. Or if I just want to escape I will take some Neurontin. That drugs takes your to another planet for a couple of hours but lately it hasn’t been as effective as it once was. Which is disappointing. The only downside of this med is that it gives you the hungry horrors the next day. I have gained more weight on this med than any other but I try and eat better when I have the horrors because I know I will be eating more. It is the only time that my appetite will increase.

Anyways, last night was a bad night and now I am feeling fine and good, least for now. Pain doesn’t usually start until around 2100. If it is not too bad I will take pain meds and then be able to sleep in an hour or two. If I am up more than that, it’s going to be a night similar to last night where nothing can touch my pain and I am off to thinking bad thoughts again.

Sometimes weather can play a part in it. Right now it’s snowing so I know that the pain last night was more because there was precipitation on its way than anything. I am sensitive to this. I am just grateful it didn’t knock my back out. I have had rain storms do that and soon as it stops, I am fine. It is the weirdest thing to be in excruciating pain, not being able to move any back muscles one minute and then be fine the next.