Tag: hopelessness

struggles

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Been thinking really hard today about what my next move should be. I told my therapist goodbye but she didn’t accept it. She refused my cancelations so I have her on voicemail only on my phone. See how she likes that. Not like talking to her does much help anymore. Nothing seems to help. I am just a pitiful excuse for a human. I feel so awful I can’t even begin to describe it. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth since Wednesday. I am going to brush after I send this blog out. I hate not being able to take care of myself at times. I just don’t think about that kind of stuff anymore since being out of work.

I am still thinking about my plan. I always have a plan. It is how I cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it but I have it none the less.

I have a busy week next week. I have to see my PCP to get my pain pills refilled then see a friend on my way home to pick up my gift for my psychiatrist. It will be perfect because I see her on Wednesday. That is the other thing that is bothering me. How can I tell her happy 20th anniversary and then kill myself that weekend? I hate this tug of war with life. I really do. And don’t give me the crap that because I care means I am fighting to live. I can counter with I am fighting to die too. You people that think that way have no clue how frustrating it is to try and want to kill yourself and having all the responsibility to stay alive around you. You want so badly to die yet something keep holding you back. I call it hope at times that gives me another day. I really do because without it, I know I would not give myself a week to plan my death.

I also have group. Yes I will be going back if only to see if it is better than I think it is.

Struggle. That is all I do and I hate it. I just want the struggle to end. Is that too much to ask?

another night of pain 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

19/20-Feb-13 0115

I had a long day today and I am not kidding. I have been up since 0700 and it is now 0100. I did way too much and I did it without doing too much. I just had a long day. First it was with my eye appointment and dinner with friends. I did some exercises while waiting for the bus and my foot refused to go heel to toe. It kept swerving to go back to the heel. Tired. Then I did some dorsiflexion and that really made my foot hate me. I thought I was getting better because the pain had decreased some but I can’t fix the weakness that is in my foot. Not after 12 years. It just refuses to cooperate with me and I really don’t think any amount of physical therapy is going to get my foot a 5-5 again. I have had so many trips to physical therapy that I know the exercises by heart. I might do them if I feel like it but none of them address the weakness in my foot to make it stronger. But then I am pessimistic about it ever returning to a 5-5. If fatigues quickly to go to a 3-5 and then I am screwed the rest of the day. I found this out tonight. It was tough walking home because I could feel my foot swerving to walk and by the time I was half way to my street, the pain started and I had to stop. When going up on the curb, I barely cleared it, almost stumbling. This makes me depressed and distraught. Tomorrow I am supposed to start a psychotherapy group and I am afraid that I am going to have to wear the AFO because I don’t know if my foot is going to be ok. I am exhausted but right now but I have pain and my meds have not kicked in. My back is aching because it is raining outside. All I want is some sleep but my foot/ankle is angry at me right now. I hate myself for doing the stupid exercises. I should have known I was fatigued but it’s hard to realize when there is no pain. Now I am feeling the pain because I am finally at rest and I want to go to sleep. It is always like that. Soon as the body is ready to sleep, the pain says “no stupid you are not going to sleep because you did too much today and you are going to pay for it”. I am such an idiot. Here I thought I was doing something constructive and all it did was make me hurt. I am ready to say fuck it about the group but it is my first meeting. Maybe things won’t be bad tomorrow like I predict it will. I just hope I can wake up early enough to make myself a cup of coffee before leaving the house. Priority number one!!

urges

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

***WARNING MIGHT BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE***

Past few days have been rough. I have been humiliated by my nerve condition, in so much pain I couldn’t sit long enough to watch the Superbowl, and today I get hit with nerve pain in my ass that almost made me want to pass out again. All this has left me wanting to do something self-destructive.

I was talking with my therapist about this week’s events and a sudden urge to cut emerged without warning and staring at me from across my bed room was a new razor. I could almost feel the pain and feel the blood as it dripped down my arm. I need to cut so bad it feels like nothing will take its place until I do. I am starting to get obsessed with it. But I don’t have my supplies ready, though they could be in an instant if I tried. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish and cutting would do that for me. It would start out as something small and then I could go deeper and deeper until the bleeding went a little out of control. I would be happy for a little while and maybe for longer than that. I am trying to distract myself from it by writing but it’s only feeding the feelings of self-infliction that I want to do. I am guessing this is how a junkie feels needing their next fix. I want it so bad but the ramifications and consequences will not be good for me. I haven’t cut in almost ten years. So in some respects, you can say I have been “sober” all that length of time. And if I cut I will lose my “sobriety”. I don’t know what will happen. I might cut and be turned off like it happened the last time I cut or it might turn on the flood gates and I will become a “junkie” always looking for the next fix.

Why do I want to cut? Because I cannot tolerate the intensity of my psychache, the psychological pain, the despair, frustration, perturbation, worthlessness, and guilt that I am feeling. I have tried listening to music but I just cannot turn out the sound of my pain. It sucks hurting this much and no one knowing. I wish I could say why I feel like this but I don’t know why. I just do. I know part of the reason I want to cut is because of the fact I cannot kill myself. Cutting is a way for me to express my emotions without hurting anyone but me. And I am fine with that even if others are not. People do not want this to happen to me but I can’t stop the thoughts. They are weighing on me like a barge on my chest.

suffering with a price

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Today was a little better day without my nerve condition bothering me so much. I still feel pretty down.

I’ve been trying to work on my blog for the new thing that I am involved in and it’s tough editing my own work. I am to add in some questions but don’t know really where to begin. I feel like just drafting a whole other paper but I don’t want to start from scratch. Drafting this paper was a piece a cake the first go round. Editing it is a little more difficult.

I finally saw my therapist after not seeing her for a few months. I think I might be able to see her every Tuesday but I am not sure I can commit to that. I have a hard time waking up and getting the car from my sister’s work is a hassle. I then have to pick her up from work and sometimes I am too tired to drive back, even though it is a MUCH shorter distance than my therapist’s office. I had to give her my forms for my long term disability so I might see her next week so she doesn’t have to mail them out and I can send it in with the other stuff that they need. I’m seeing my psychiatrist next week so I will drop off the paperwork to her and my primary care as he is in the same facility. I don’t get to see him till the end of the month and I want them sent in ASAP.

I just looked over the paperwork and they have a section for vocational stuff. My psychiatrist isn’t involved in that kind of bullshit and neither is my therapist. Oh the hoops these idiots make you go through for a buck.

Been starting to feel suicidal again. I just keep thinking that I just have to die. I can’t go on living. Then today a video comes in that my niece wanted and she is overjoyed and tells me that she loves me so much. How am I to die knowing that she will be messed up if I die? It hurts too much to think about but yet it kills me to suffer the way I do all the time. I get no reprieve. No alleviation at any time. Sure I was able to drive 30 miles today to see my therapist but it cost me my back to be hurting and mentally I am still depressed and suicidal. We talked about this new group that I am hoping to get into. I don’t know, maybe it will help things. I know it will give me something to get out of the house but the group meets at the time of my therapy appt on Wednesdays. I know it’s not a big deal to reschedule my appt but it is to me. I hate it when the schedule gets messed around. Trying to find another time is not always that easy. But I still think that suicide is a way out of my misery. I don’t have to go to group or therapy. Just crush a teenager’s heart or two. I try not to think about stuff like that because it really brings into the picture of what suicide does to the family when you are gone. I keep thinking they will be alright but I know they won’t. People always keep reminding me of that and it kills me because it means I have to suffer longer. I just want my pain to stop. If I had cancer I know they wouldn’t want me suffering so why can’t they just understand it that way. That I had to be out of my misery because I hurt so much. But no one sees it my way.