Tag: mental illness

feeling shocked and in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling shocked and in a flare

I’ve been in pain since 5 this morning. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the pain program. I tried leaving a voicemail for the scheduler but she doesn’t work on Thursdays. So I wrote a message to both people I was seeing today through the gateway thingy. Then when my med alarm went off, I called the office to make sure they got the message.

Around 11 or so, my sister texted me asking if I got results from the MRI. I said I probably would in the afternoon or tomorrow. Around 2 PM I was feeling tired and wanted a nap so sent off a message to my PCP’’s office to see if results were back. I didn’t expect anything and tried to snooze but my damn brain wouldn’t shut off because I was aggravated with the noise from the TV. I turned on the whisperer and tried to relax but that wasn’t happening. Around 3, my PCP’s office called it was the idiot NP I met last week. Guess what? I didn’t have plantar fasciitis! I had a muscle tear. Lovely. I was shocked by the news I forgot to say I told you so and you’re an idiot but just hung up the phone after she told me to call an ankle specialist. I got to get a copy of the MRI and report. I feel so fucking nervous about this. My left foot has been throbbing all day and my right is just hurting because it is bruised. The part that is torn is also hurting me. UGH I hope I don’t need surgery.

It has been hard to stand most of the day. I thought resting would be good. I cleaned out my nightstand drawer because I had shit in there that was making it hard to open and close it. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need, found some memorabilia from the Sox my former therapist gave me as well as her birthday cards over the years. I also found an email from my good friend in South Africa that I kept for sentimental reasons. There were some old stamps in my drawer. At least a half a dozen pens. Some worked and some didn’t. I left them in the drawer. By the time I was done, I had reorganized it so I knew where stuff was and it wasn’t so cluttered. It also opened and shut easily.

I tried clearing my book stacks but my back was telling me no. I got a box for my journals. I should reinforce the seams with tape so the weight doesn’t make it come apart. I threw two journals that were out in the open in it. I think I might throw the books that I have read in it as well as it is a big box. I don’t know. When I am feeling better, I will decide.

I emailed my PT about the muscle tear. She was as shocked as I was. She told me to make sure I find a doc that specializes in the foot and ankle. I have someone in mind though they are out of network. I am not sure what my bill will be afterwards. If I need surgery, I will have to see someone else. I will definitely want a second opinion. I don’t want to see the docs at the Partners hospital I go to. I might see someone outside of Boston. Or maybe a different hospital. I am not sure if I should continue with the pain program or not because I don’t want to worsen the tear. It is going to be awhile before I can get a copy of the MRI. I don’t know how soon I can get to see this doctor I want to see. I am hoping just being in a boot for a few weeks helps, though walking will be very difficult.

I need to shower but I made dinner tonight, which wasn’t in my plans but my mother was tired so. I might do it later. I want to just read my book but so far I haven’t had a chance as I just been on social media. I really need to set a timer or something to stop playing on my phone. While I was cleaning out my drawer, I found some thumb drives. There some work files as well as some other stuff. I found some old pictures of my nieces and nephew with my father. Brought up some memories of him. I do miss him.

Transition day 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.

Red Sox and other boring stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Red Sox and other boring stuff

The Red Sox won the game on Sunday night. The game got over some time before 1145 pm and I was so excited and thrilled. It was so awesome. But the excitement gave me pain. I have no idea what happened but my malleolus felt like it was bring ripped out and I couldn’t sleep all night. I think I finally went to sleep around 5 ish. Then my med alarm woke me up so I took my meds. I had a dentist appointment in the morning and they called around 11 when I woke up next. They wanted to know if I could come in early. I said sure. I will get dressed and be there soon. They didn’t take me till 1130, my original appointment time so I don’t know why they called. I found it annoying. I didn’t have cavities, which was good.

I caught the bus that lead me to another bus to the square. I wasn’t hungry so I just got some espresso and some small scones. I really haven’t had much of an appetite the past few days. I got to the station and when I got off, I crossed the street. It must not have been level because I fell down on my right side. I didn’t hurt myself but I am really sore. My jeans got dirty and sort of wet as it had been raining on and off most of the day. I took the bus to my therapist’s office and decided I was going to take an Uber home. I wasn’t going to take the T home. I had enough and just wanted to be home as quick as possible. Except that I had to go to the pharmacy to get my mother’s prescription. I had to wait as it wasn’t ready yet. I was mad at this because my mother usually calls it in in the morning. It was now nearly 4 pm. Like what the fuck. I waited and bought a sharps container for my needles.

I got home but wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to sleep and I did. I woke up a few hours later and decided to have some tea. I took my night meds and then had some tea. It didn’t keep me awake. I fell asleep no sooner than 5 minutes after I finished it. I was just so tired. I don’t know if it is the testosterone that is making me feel so tired or what. I am going to try and sleep at normal times the next week or so and see if there is a change. It might just be the excitement of the games and stuff that is making me feel tired throughout the day.

I woke up around 5 in severe pain. My foot was killing me. So much for starting the day right. It didn’t settle down for another hour or so when meds kicked in. I decided to take my meds then and shut the alarm off so I could sleep. I still wasn’t hungry when I woke up. I had some cookies with some tea. I think I went back to sleep. I don’t remember. I know I had to take a shower. A friend texted me as she wanted me to do something for her. I said sure and she said she will email the details to me.

I have my MRI for my right foot tonight. My sister will be taking me and I am glad. I am just wearing my PJs. I don’t think I will wear my brace. Just sneakers. I think I have one in my room and the other downstairs. I really don’t feel like wearing my brace. I hope it does and doesn’t turn out okay. I just want to know why I keep getting the golf ball swelling on my foot. I am really sore on my right side where I fell. There are no visible bruises but it hurts.

My therapist won’t be in tomorrow so I plan on voting early. I just got to figure out how to get there. I wish I could walk up the streets but nope. I probably will have to go to the Square and then catch one of two buses to where I have to go. Long as I get my espresso, that is all I will need.

no game tonight so I can sleep early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

No game tonight so I can sleep early

Last night I was so dead, I think I saw the Dodgers take a 2-1 lead and then I passed out. Until 2 am. I had to pee. I did and then I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the score. We won 4-2. Price I am not sure got the win or not. I wasn’t really reading tweets but he pitched good. And then the bullpen was outstanding. I love Joe Kelly. I am going to shower either tonight or tomorrow and I am going to wear his fight club tee. I know I probably shouldn’t but I stink so I am not going to stay in the clothes I am in. I stayed in last series not showering for a week. I am not going to do the same this series.

My groceries were supposed to come early. The driver got stuck in traffic so they were delivered an hour after they were supposed to. I put everything away but I didn’t put the Powerade bottles in reusable bags like I usually do. I wanted a nap. I figured sleeping to 1315 was enough time to shower. I fell asleep and I didn’t want to get up. I shut off the alarm and got up 45 minutes later. The bus would be coming soon, so I thought. The bus was twenty minutes late, which meant I was late for my appointment. I told the PT about the NP. She was taking it in stride until I told her she wasn’t an MD but a NP. Then she said Oh and shook her head. She said I might have plantar fasciitis now as my whole damn foot is swollen up. Great. But using heat last night caused some release and this morning for the first time in three weeks didn’t hurt when I stood up. I thought it was a good sign until I started getting dressed and stuff. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was hurting. UGH so much for progress. It was our last meeting with her. I didn’t want to end with her but she had to discharge me so I could start the pain program next week. I am weary about starting it. The OT I am okay with, but the PT part of it, not so much. I just am afraid because I don’t want my life to become hell with flares every night that brings me to suicidal states. I didn’t tell her this. I have no idea why I kept my suicidal self quiet with her as I’ve really gotten close to her with my mental illness and stuff. I just felt like it was on the know basis and she didn’t really need to know about it. I also am not sure how healthcare professionals that aren’t doctors or nurses deal with suicide so I didn’t want to find out. If I have to disclose it to the new PT I see next week, then I will because I really don’t want to go back to my weekly suicidal planning sessions because of pain. Fuck I was supposed to kill myself the end of July and I am still here. I don’t want to be but I am kind of stuck with it because I don’t have another plan to go to. I know there are always pills but pills don’t always work. If they did, I wouldn’t be here at all.

I bought ingredients for at least 3 recipes. I am going to pace myself as each recipe takes a while and nearly does me in. I am going to do my wings tomorrow, if I am up before 1300 as these babies take 3 hours to make, 4 if I push it. But they are so worth it. I just need a dump bucket as I forgot to buy one when I was at the grocery store yesterday. I really just wanted to get something to eat, some wings and go the fuck home. Both feet were killing me, making walking so damn difficult. I have no clue how I walked from my therapist’s office to the station I was hurting so bad. I felt better after therapy. He is not going to be in next Wed. Then I want to make these Dark chocolate beet brownies. My friend made them and she said they came out good so we’ll see. I will be using canned beets as I have no idea how to make beets any other way. Then it will be some kind of pumpkin cheese cake thing. I have to print out both recipes. I am halving the pumpkin recipe as it called for 4 blocks of cream cheese. That seemed like an awful lot and I know no one but me and my barbers are going to be eating these. No one else in my family likes pumpkin, which is a shame.

When I got home, the dreaded benefits package from my former employer was in the mailbox. They will be having a totally new but “same” medical insurance plan. They did not give the cost of this plan with the material they sent. I have no idea if my therapist takes it. If I just have Medicare, I will be responsible for 20% of the bill. That is going to add up after a while. If I did my calculations right, it will be $38 per session, if he doesn’t take my medical insurance to cover. I won’t be able to see him weekly much less twice a week. There is no way I can afford it. I will have to see what he says. My docs at the conglomerate Partners will be okay. Some visits will only be $10 and specialists will be $15. Everything else is covered in full if they are in network. Out of network and it is like 70% covered with a high deductible. I have no idea what is out of network. I think my therapist would be out of network as he is not a Partners provider. Guess the trouble of using just one insurance just got easier, I think. I am still on the fence of whether or not what insurance to use for what provider. For my Partners one, I will use their plan and therapist, the Medicare. It will be cheaper in the end though I won’t be able to have as many visits as I would like a month. I might be able to afford two a month. Guess that is better than nothing. I don’t have to worry about my psychiatrist as she is Partners. I am so glad the repro endo doc I am seeing took on the transition piece of things. Now everyone is under the same umbrella so to speak and I don’t have to pay so much in copays. I just got to figure out if I continue with Medicare or not through Partners. I get Medicare through SSD and is taken out of out my check. I just hope this isn’t going to be a jump through hoops thing. Way it is now is things go through Medicare and the rest my insurance picks up. If my therapist doesn’t take the insurance and the copay is going to be more than the 20% of Medicare, I will just have him bill Medicare and pay the 20% and then tell Partners that the new insurance is my sole insurance, not to bill Medicare anymore. This will be in January so I have some time. I just want to know how much this is going to cost me monthly. Right now I pay $198/month for BCBS and dental/vision. I just hope it isn’t more than what I am paying now. All these expenses have me worried.

I am going to bed hopefully before midnight tonight. Game is not on as it is a day off. They are in California right now for the next three games, which start tomorrow night. I can finally have a night to relax a bit before bed. These games have just been setting me on edge.