Tag: mental illness

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.

lost track of the pain days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost track of the pain days

Seems the days I have been in pain have been endless. The only time I am not in pain is when I am sleeping, and even that is broken up when my pain meds wear off. I could not get going today. I had woken up around 0330 and struggled to get back to sleep after taking pain meds. I really didn’t want to go to therapy, hell, I didn’t want to leave the house but I went. And I am glad I did. He listened and validated my feelings. He said that I am more overwhelmed than hopeless, which I am having some difficulty understanding. I needed his reassurance I wasn’t hopeless and he said he doesn’t work with hopeless people. That helped.

Before time was up, my ankle flared up. And I was dreading going home. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving his office because the damn train was delayed, which meant I wasn’t going to catch the 1710 bus. My bladder was not happy with me at all. Oh well. The temps never got as high as they said they were going to. In fact, the temp dropped as the day wore on. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt but walking around made me hot and I was sweating a lot by the time I came home. I could really use a shower but my foot is hurting too much. I will try and take it tomorrow morning when I know my pain levels are down, or at least should be until I start moving around.

I had made a bacon and egg burrito for my lunch. It was very filling and I am not hungry to have supper. If I am later this evening, I will just have a bowl of cereal as my go to, or some oatmeal. I can’t wait to buy some overnight oats next week when I place my grocery order. I am trying to keep the order less than $200. It’s not easy because I’ll want something ordered and then delete it when my craving goes away.

I went off on Facebook this morning because someone keeps reporting me after I post being depressed, suicidal, or having bad thoughts. I have no idea who this person is as the reporting is anonymous. Just pisses me off because I am shut off from my account until I basically say I am okay, I don’t need to call someone. Hell, I have the numbers in my phone if I want to talk to someone as well as my Facebook friends, which did respond to the post, like this asshole could have done. I feel like I am being prosecuted for having suicidal feelings all the time and that talking about them is bad, when it shouldn’t be this way. It helps me to express my feelings of being suicidal. Holding them in is just bad news and makes me more likely to want to act when I feel that way. I just wish people would talk rather than be jerks about it. Obviously, they don’t know me as I have been posting suicidal messages for years now and guess what, I am still here. It helps me cope with the intensity of the moment. I know it will pass, it usually does. It’s worst at night because I want to sleep, I am exhausted, and I am just more vulnerable but can’t sleep for whatever reason, usually pain. My damn physical pain gets intolerable and death would be so welcome at the particular time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this nerve injury that is not going to get better and may get worse. I have stopped using CRPS tags and hashtags because that is not what I have. I would have felt better knowing I did have CRPS because then I knew what was involved. I just don’t know what this nerve injury is going to involve but now that it’s affecting the bones in my ankle and foot, it doesn’t look good. I also know that since it’s been 7 years since the injury and it’s has gotten worse instead of better, the nerve is not likely to recover. That is such a severe blow to me. So my suicidality is peaking right now because of the hopelessness of knowing this. I am not going to get better, ever. That is a hard pill to swallow.

disgusted about appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disgusted about appt and other things

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I kept changing my alarm until it was leave now or be really late. Well, the 945 bus never showed up and I had to wait for the next one, which didn’t take me to the Square. I was late to my 1100 appt. To make it worse, they had delays on the red line. Just lovely. I met with the coordinator for the pain support group. Things were going well, I thought, until I was about to leave, she says that she is not sure the group is for me because of my suicidal history and psychotic symptoms. I was floored. This bitch is the only thing standing between me and joining this group. I am done trying to please her. So she can shove the group up her ass. I am telling my psychiatrist that I don’t want to join the group when I see her next week. I will also leave this bitch a voicemail saying that I am no longer interested. I have waited all year to get into this group and it’s been nothing but red tape.

I then left to get my scripts and get my blood drawn. I was starving by this time as the blood needed to be fasting. I couldn’t wait to get to Starbucks. I needed caffeine and a sandwich. Afterwards, I planned on getting my haircut. I didn’t write in my journal as I just wanted to get my haircut and go home. He did a good job and I am happy with it, as always. I caught the bus home and then went to Walgreens to fill my pain meds. I was hoping there wasn’t going to be a problem filling both scripts. There wasn’t. I then asked what went on with name changes and she told me I needed to go to Social Security and then the RMV before I called my insurance. UGH. I didn’t think of that part. I knew I was going to go to those places but didn’t know I had to do it right away. I need to renew my license but I don’t have the money to do it until the next pay period. I think I am going to put it off a week. It’s going to take me some time to get to Social Security because the closest office near me is in Cambridge but isn’t T accessible. I would have to take a zipcar. I am not entirely sure where it is either. I know the vicinity but I have never been there. While I am there, I am going to have them unblock me so I can access my records online.

I told my mother I will be ordering Chinese food for supper. I figure I would order so she doesn’t have to cook. I have been trying to make it easy for her to have meals or to help her but some days it’s hard for me. I feel bad that I can’t always be dependent on because of my pain levels. Today I tried coming up with ten items my PT wants that I want to work on. I wrote 2 in a spreadsheet on the way home. I can’t think of anything else but these two, wanting to stand for longer than 10 minutes in the shower and making small meals or baking without having to sit at each step. It would be good to be able to make pancakes without having to sit because standing causes me too much stress. I don’t know if this is possible but it’s better than nothing. If I come up with something more before tomorrow, I’ll jot it down.

The PT wanted me to use compression socks but my foot/ankle has been so sensitive that I can’t put it on. Even now with the AC and ceiling fan going it’s hurting my foot. I haven’t been able to do the exercise she gave me because I have been in too much pain. I feel bad about this. I can only do what I can. I’ve had a busy week and next week is busy too. I see the neuro specialist. It’s at 8 am. I think I am going to skip the PT session so I can make it as waking up in the morning hasn’t been happening and I don’t want to wait another 3 months for this doc. It really sucks that I need rest days in between appts and stuff. Just planning things is really difficult because I don’t know what my pain is going to be like until that day hits.

another month of existing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Another month of existing

Despite being suicidal for almost 16 days straight, I lived to tell the tale. I honestly don’t know what gets me through the hardest of moments when I am in so much pain and all I can think about is death. I think fantasizing my death has gotten me through, only because I was so immobilized by pain, I couldn’t act on my thoughts. Then the next day, the pain was down and I didn’t feel so terrible. I didn’t feel like ending my life.

Sometime in the beginning of September or the end of August, I thought that if I had 41 consecutive days of suicidal thoughts, that on day 42 I would end my life. If by some chance, I had a day that I didn’t think those thoughts, I would have to start all over. I kept a spreadsheet of the days. Some nights when I was in pure agony, I would bargain with myself saying just x many days more and then I would end it. I kept these thoughts pretty much to myself. I had texted my therapist this plan but we never talked about it. I don’t remember if I let my psych know either.

I don’t know what really changed that stopped the suicidal feelings from occurring. I still had pain every day and night. But after my PT evaluation, I felt like things could be better. I was sad that the days of me working were truly over because too much time had past for me to recover. I was diagnosed too late with CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Now I just want to be able to make pancakes without having to take breaks in between the prep, the mixing, and the cooking. Small stuff but it would be a goal. I left the PT office feeling a little hopeful that things might change for the better. It didn’t take away my suicidal feelings completely. I still thought about ending my life, but there was no urgency to it. I just put it in the back of my head.

Suicidal thoughts have become so much apart of my life that I can’t imagine my life without it. Will I my life end one day at my own hands? I don’t know. I think so and have felt that way for quite some time. Little things stop me. My nieces or nephew’s love and care. A friend online that needs me. Having a low pain day so I could get out of the house to have my espresso at Starbucks. Being able to shower, make breakfast, and then go out to do what I have to do. It doesn’t happen every day as some days I can barely get out of bed, either because of pain or my mood. Sometimes both. Sometimes a good word from my therapist or psychiatrist is enough to lift the heavy coat to make it through the day. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through September without making a suicide attempt. But I did.

Tomorrow starts a new month, with the same challenges. Hell, I have appts all this week with no rest days at all. It’s going to be hard. I hope it doesn’t set me off in a flare for days on end. The weather is also going to be cooler. If it remains stable, I should be okay. If it fluctuates more than 10 or more degrees, I am going to hurt more than any activity that I do. I have a lot of appts this month. I don’t know how that is going to make me feel, physically and mentally. Dealing with chronic pain every day is difficult to say the least. I have mixed feelings about this month. I hope that I survive and I hope that I die. We’ll see if I make it to Oct 31st.