Tag: MLB

post 215

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Been depressed today. I really didn’t want to do anything but I made a cake and watch game 6 of the ALDS red sox game. I really didn’t do much else. I tried typing up my paper that I wrote last night but I just don’t have the energy to do it. Maybe later.

The urges to cut have been back and forth today. I still have not injured myself. I think it will phase out once I get back to my normal routine with the hormone pills.

I am really pissed off that I can’t convert or burn Carrie Underwood’s CD Carnival Ride, so I have to purchase it again. I can’t even play it because of some license issue. I don’t remember where I bought it, I think I downloaded it at Walmart but I am not sure. This just sucks. More money for music. But I finally found the MP3 of “What hurts the most” so I am happy. I have been going crazy trying to find the Rascal Flatts CD or phone backup that had it. I knew I had it some place and I did. On my old hard drive that is as big as a paperback. I just got a tetrabyte hard drive and it’s like a cassette tape. Those that are older will know what that is. I don’t want to feel old by explaining what it is.

My left leg has been acting up and I just feel like overdosing to escape some where other than where I am at. I might just take some extra Neurontin tonight like I did last night. I just feel like if I don’t do something I am going to go crazy. I just feel so wound up and though I should just start cleaning my room or something I just am so overwhelmed by it that it makes me want to OD more. But I bear it and resist the urges to do so because the last thing I want is a 7 year old finding me in a coma or worse dead.

So yesterday I reformatted my tablet. Totally wiped it out to its original factory settings. In so doing so, I got rid of the encryption that I put on when I had to where I was working. Now I don’t have to. Problem is that I don’t remember what apps I had on there to replace. I know I had my facebook and twitter. Those are my essentials along with wordpress. It was sad that my Zipwhip app was not compatible anymore. My tablet is old as it still is running Android 3.2.1. My phone is running 4.2.1, which is I believe the “Jelly bean” Operating system. Android has funny names for the OS.

Baseball Season is officially over

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Tonight the San Francisco Giants swept the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. My Baseball Depressive Disorder has peaked. Now I have no baseball games until Spring training in March, a mere five month wait for something I love more than anything.

I went out with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen since May. He finally sold his house in Boston and is now temporarily living in Marlborough until things are settled for his condo in Revere. I hope that he likes Revere and he is by the Blue Line as he works in Boston. Traveling can be hard between these two cities by car. He wants me to help him with his Facebook page and I have agreed. It is freelance work, though I have told him I know nothing about eye conditions but he is willing to teach me. He is an eye doctor, and in my opinion one of the best in the Boston area. I have been seeing him since I graduated high school. This volunteer work will help me keep busy. I love learning new things and I am sure it will help him and his work.

I still am feeling kind of weird since I am living and I have not attempted suicide. I feel like it is a loss that I am never going to recover from. I know this must sound weird but it’s true. I have been trying to attempt to kill myself since 2005 and have not made one single attempt despite all my planning. I have come close a couple of times but I have never really gone past my planning stage. What changed? The fact that more people need to be aware that there are people like me who think about suicide all the time yet do not tell a single soul about how dark their thoughts are. I have my therapist to talk to about this and she is the ONLY person that knows how I really feel. I don’t confide in anyone else. I would talk to my psychiatrist but I have been avoiding her. Mostly because I just feel like a burden to her. That is the hardest part of this illness is knowing you are a burden to others even though you may not really be in reality.

I still have yet to go back to my comparison paper. I really am just procrastinating on it. I want to be able to work on it while I am sitting at a Starbucks. And because my depression is so bad I hardly leave the house, I just have not been in the mood to bring my laptop around the city to go to Starbucks and sit for a few hours. I have been becoming more reclusive and I hate leaving the house for any reason. I just like staying in my room all the time goofing off on my laptop while Facebooking or blogging. I haven’t had that many emails to respond to. My online CES support group has been quiet lately. Like everything else, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes there is a lot of chatter and other times there is very little. It all depends on what is going on and if people have things to add or suggest. This group has been a life saver for me because without it, I would feel totally alone with my nerve condition.

ramblings 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, sports, suicide, suicide attempt

I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.

My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.

Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!

In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.

Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.

baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, sports

I admit it, I am a baseball junkie. Anything to do with baseball and I am there. I have been watching all the post season games and tonight I am really nervous about the O’s game. I really don’t want the Evil Empire to win. I’m so nervous about it I can’t watch the game and though I usually keep track of Twitter, I have decided against it tonight. Because of the Skanks score first, that doesn’t bode well. If the O’s do, I will be happy. If not, it most likely will be the Tigers against NYY. I can’t stand to watch another post season with these over paid bastards. And I especially cannot stand to watch A-Rod play. He is so smug I just want to smack that smirk off his face sometimes. Nick Swisher is also another player I just cannot stand. He is just nasty…

And the O’s season comes to an end. I’m heartbroken because I thought they would be able to beat the Evil Empire but I guess being in the Bronx was too much for them.