Sunday Palindrome International Day 02022020
I am a number nerd. I don’t know how I became one, probably because when I was little I wanted to be a mathematician like the show I was watching that right now I cannot remember. It was a spin off of some detective cop show called Dragnet. The math show was called Mathnet and it was really interesting. I think it played for three seasons and then it was cancelled. I felt bad because I really loved this show. So today’s date, 02022020, is an International Palindrome because both US and Europe write today’s date the same way for the first time in forever.
I haven’t been able to find out if that little rodent called ground hog saw his shadow or not today. They always bring about the movie Ground Hog Day. It is a movie that I have not seen, mostly because I am not a Bill Murray fan. I did sort of like him in Ghostbusters. I tolerated his presence.
Today I was going to try and make room to have access to the alcove in my room. Only problem is that my foot and ankle bones are being crushed and hurt really bad. Some pressure fluctuations are going on and my foot isn’t liking it one bit. Pressure is 29.34 right now. I am going to keep track of it because this bone pain is horrific. I just want to die right now and I am wondering why I cannot act on my thoughts. It’s always a slippery slope. I feel like I should be in the hospital but with the catharizing and upcoming neurosurg appointment, I really can’t be in right now. I was feeling hopeful earlier as I sent off an email to my psychiatrist to see if she is still going to write a letter saying I can have top surgery. I really would like to have these suckers off in the fall of this year.
I was having a weird something going on last night. In this something I was imagining telling my therapist how I feel about her. It came out in a sarcastic tone and then it got serious and we spent time talking about whether or not to continue. I have developed feelings for female therapists for nearly every one of the 14 I have had. Only two were male in this psychotherapy stuff, not counting group therapy. My therapist is around my age (so she says). She is cute and funny and sarcastic as all hell. She also has a caring side but doesn’t show it that often, which annoys me. She doesn’t want me to depend on her and I get that but I really need to know that she cares or this is just not going to work. I understand she wants to work with “this population of people” but that isn’t the same as knowing you give a shit about me. I can’t work with someone who doesn’t care because I feel it is worthless trying to. I’ve had my doubts about her since the first day I met her. I just don’t know if she is the right one or not. Yes, it has been seven months we have been working together. There are qualities about her that I really like but if I don’t feel cared for, then I don’t think it is worth it. I’ve never had a therapist this straightforward before. She doesn’t tolerate my “I don’t knows”. Instead of saying, “yea you do” she will say think about it then answer whatever it is that she asked for. I am very quick to run away from my feelings and she knows this. Trying to stay with my feelings are so damn difficult. I want to feel blank most of the time because it better than feeling turmoil. She challenges me and I challenge her with my quick runaway from feelings. She always brings it back to me when I run away from something. Lately she has been catching on so will stop the maneuvering away and that is the roadblock. I will shut down and it is so hard to go back to that place I was just a few seconds ago. I will also do this while blogging. Feelings will come up and I will take a break by going on the internet for a long while then come back to the word doc and be like where the hell was I. It is then hard to get back into writing the blog because I lost the feeling for too long. I have been trying not to do this, to stay with it and keep focus like my therapist is slowly teaching me. But it is so hard because I always want to run away. I don’t want to feel.
I need a nap but I am not sure my pain will let me. It’s 3pm right now. If I get at least a half hour’s rest, I should be good. I really need to lay down as my back has been hurting as well. Not horribly so but just annoying. Also worries me because I think I am going to have back surgery. I think the pain meds have been blocking my back pain so I don’t know how bad things really are aside from the bladder issues. I am so damn nervous. I might be blogging about this all week so if you are a daily reader, now you know what is going to be written about every day this week or whenever I post my blog.
I woke up around 230 am in pain and my day has pretty much stayed that way. I have been in bed all day but I just cannot get up. I need to go to the pharmacy but I can barely manage the stairs right now so it will have to be tomorrow. I know it is because I did way too much walking Wed and Thurs for my appointments. Cold weather and having a cold just wipes me out. Next week I have four appointments. I am debating keeping my appointment with my therapist for Monday. I don’t see the point in seeing her. My anxiety is still going to be up. I am already starting to panic about Wed. Wed I see my neurosurgeon and we will be discussing what to do with my back and bladder problems. I have no idea how it is going to play out but I just hope he is on time.
Thursday I have two appointments, one with my therapist again and then seeing my pcp. Hoping that the pcp can do something about these bladder pains I have been having. Nothing is fucking wrong on scans. I really don’t want a cystoscope done. It probably is just inflammation from the catheter but I don’t want to live the rest of my life in pain because of this. WTF.
I see uro the following week so that is good. I really like my urologist. I am glad she is my doc. I know she will do what is best for me. I might have to switch catheters even though I really like the ones I have been using. They are just convenient for me. I just looked at some through the company that I am currently using. I requested some samples. I might call my supplier and see if they have samples as well. They gave me a bag but with the catheter I use, I cannot use the bag so it is useless for me. Things I never thought I would be talking about on a Friday night.
My eating has been poor the past two days. Yesterday morning I ordered nuggets from McDonalds and that has been the last thing I have eaten in the past 48 hours. I just had an Ensure as I don’t think I will be going downstairs. I need to go to the grocery store this weekend and get some more of the new cereal I like. It is by Special K and is called honey oat. It has multigrain flakes in it. It is so good. I hope they have a bigger box in the store than they have on the app that I buy my groceries from.
Walking too much
Yesterday was my first double header since being sick. I am not 100% well so I was really tired when I got to my second appointment. I am glad the two buildings were close to one another but there was still some walking involved. Therapy was a little rough. I am experiencing so much feeling and she doesn’t put up with much in between stuff. She likes to stay on topic and squeeze shit out of me when I don’t want to. I have hid from my feelings for a long time so this is completely new to me, to have a therapist that actually wants to work on feelings and stuff. I talked briefly about today’s appointment with her as I didn’t want to be stepping on people’s toes. Everything is a gray area all of a sudden. I feel like I am seeing psych sub specialists for things that I used to see one person for. Yesterday’s events exhausted me and what the cold didn’t do was make me exhausted enough to sleep. My nose kept running and I felt like I had a leaky faucet for a nose most of the night. Same tonight. Then my bladder kept me up with its constant shit of having to be emptied. I also been having loose stool so I been trying to void on my own rather than use the catheter. It’s the only way for me to go.
Today’s appointment talked about boundaries and for the first time I felt like I wasn’t asking too much by wanting privacy in the bathroom. It has been giving me such anxiety so we creatively came up with ways to say I am in here so my mother doesn’t barge her way in. One is fixing the lock on the door. It has been broken for so long I honestly don’t know if it can be fixed. It will require YouTube and google or I might have to get another mechanism or part to have a working lock on the door. Most people would know someone is in the bathroom and respect their privacy however those rules don’t belong with my mother, least when they concern me. Going to try these things first before actually having to talk to my mother which isn’t going to fly with her.
Yesterday I had sent my psych an article about trans youth and suicide. She recognized the name as one of the residents where she used to work. She then asked me if I thought about coming out sooner would have changed the course of things. It got me thinking and I am still thinking about things because I realized last night, despite twenty-five years passing, I am still suicidal and I am pretty much in the same boat as I was emotionally as I was then that I am now. What is going to keep me here is what is going to make the difference. I sent my therapist a text last night of the question and she responded this morning that it was a good question. Last night I started jotting things down of what has happened and if I do have something this time around that I didn’t have back then. I am not sure I will still be around. My mind has been going and planning this for a while and maybe this time I will succeed. But I think I need to know if my therapist cares if I am to continue to be here. I think that is why I am getting angry with her is because the voices have been saying a lot of stuff about her and I just been listening to them. My messages aren’t being answered when I send them. She doesn’t respond to my texts usually. If I am supposed to work with her, I need to know she gives a shit, that I am just not someone to just fill a spot because she has an opening.
If I sleep tonight, it will be a miracle. Ankle was already hurting before I left the house. My legs are killing me from the walking around the Government Center area I was in today. It would have not been a big deal if I was “normal.” Being disabled really sucked. But I am glad I saw the psychologist today. I feel better knowing I was validated.
Not a good day
I woke up around 2 am to pee. I was up for a bit and felt like I should see my therapist today so sent a message to her. At 2 am. She sent me a response asking why I sent it at 2 am. So I didn’t see her. I feel like I should cancel tomorrow but I won’t. Voices are going bananas. The German voiced one is back. I have no idea what he is saying as his accent is so thick. I know that he wants me to die as that much is clear. So now there are three male voices. I thought I was getting better and this shit happens. I was able to get an appointment with the therapist for the 6th, the day after I see the neurosurgeon. I sent her a message saying that I was feeling suicidal and voices were bad. Haven’t gotten a response to ANY of my messages so I don’t even know why I fucking bother.
My mood has been low all day. I just want to sleep but I can’t because of the voices going around and around. I managed a shower and it further exhausted me. I wanted to shave my face and pits but it never happened. I just washed up and that was that. It took me forever to dry off as I was so tired afterwards.
I managed to have some lunch. I had some chili. Past few days I have just been eating cereal. Special K came out with a honey oat multigrain that is the bomb. It is so good. I really like it. It is cold today but I don’t think I will be going out. I was thinking about maybe heading to the Boston Public Library to do my research for my book but I am so damn tired all the time I don’t think I can do it. I can barely take care of myself. I still got a cold but it is finally going away. I just have a stuffy nose left over. Been taking 10,000 IUs of vit D. It seems to be helping a lot. I just wish this fatigue would go away. I am not looking forward to two appointments tomorrow. There is an hour in between them so not back to back. It is just going to be an exhausting day.