Tag: nerve damage

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

My Buckeyes won the Big 10 Championship last night. It was a nail biter in the 4th quarter. But an interception won the game! I was very happy. Unfortunately, my pain over rid my joy and I was up all night again. I didn’t go to sleep till around 5ish. I was kind of waiting to see if there would be news of the Football playoffs but it was too late. It would be announced today. I was not happy when I woke up because Alabama got OSU’s spot, all because the Bucks lost to an unranked team earlier in the season. The Bucks will play in the Cotton Bowl Dec 29th against USC Trojans. One of my CES friends is a Trojan fan so it will be interesting. I have been fuming most of the day over the committee’s choice of excluding the Bucks for a championship game. They deserved to be in the playoffs and I hate that one loss determined their fate. It was like the rest of their wins, including the Big 10 Championship, didn’t count. I am so mad.

My brother in law did not put in my ceiling fan like he said he would do. He decided to get a Christmas tree and go food shopping instead. So I guess me roasting and possibly getting a heat stroke are my choices. I am not going to risk an electrical fire by turning it on until it dies. I can’t stand the noise it makes either. And even though I found the right temp for the thermostat, my mother has turned up the fucking heat. I am now roasting. I wish I had heard the heat turn on before I went downstairs. My ankle flared up when I took off my slippers as I undressed to take a shower. The pain settled down but now is back up. I am so fucking mad. Now I am boiling mad because even though I found the right setting on the thermostat, my mother jacked up the heat. My room is so fucking hot right now and it’s not that cold out. Fucking bitch already pissed me off once today. She called me “miss” and then my birth name. I walked away like I didn’t hear her. My cousin has also been calling me my birth name even though I told him my name is G. Dumbbell also calls me GiGi, like WTF? What am I, a toy?? Pisses me off.

I know I am angry because of being in pain and I want to end my life. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of the sleepless nights. And now I am in pain, again. I joined the BPD chat. That was good. Now a damn social worker in one of the Carolinas thinks she can tell me what kind of therapist I need. PPPFFFTTT. Talking to the wrong person, lady. Then she tells me she wishes me well in healing. WTF is healing when you want to end your life every single fucking day?? Fucking please. Go find someone else to spew your good tidings and insight. I don’t need it.

I managed to go downstairs to adjust the heat, even though my ankle didn’t like it. My mother wanted me to do something but called me my birth name, again. I went back upstairs. Fuck her. Then she screams that she has been calling me my birth name for 40 years blah blah blah. I have kept quiet about it but today it is like pouring salt into a wound for some reason. I am just so mad. I think me not sleeping the past two nights have got me on edge.

I have therapy tomorrow and because it is past the 24 hour rule, I need to go. I am going to ask him about his mommy and daddy issues that he brought up the last time we met. Like to see what his answer will be. I don’t know if I will get anywhere with this guy. I’ve seen him since April and I don’t think he has been too helpful to me. I’ve had 2 hospitalizations and working on a third, possibly. I still don’t think we connect in any way but just tolerate each other. Just basically called him because he was the last name on my list and I said okay let me try him. I am glad he didn’t turn me away because of my suicidality and he doesn’t flip out when I talk about suicide, but on the other fronts, can you give me some guidance??? Like seriously, aren’t you supposed to help me?? Or did I get therapy all wrong all these years? My psychiatrist who I see every two weeks for about 20-30 mins gives me more validation than he has all fricken year. Though if I text him, he is more supportive than in session!! I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just go with it then write a bitch blog about him.

I had left my MP3 app on on my phone. I wasn’t using it but the thing doesn’t shut off when not in use. It was taking up memory and clogging up my phone. I turned it off and then for kicks, checked the phone’s RAM. It has more than my new laptop! No wonder it runs so damn slow!!! I definitely need to get more. I was planning to anyways as it was cheaper to buy it as is and then upgrade here and there. I just got to look at the manual and see how to do it.

I took my meds about 45 mins ago and now I am feeling sleepy. I will stop here. Later my readers!

omg what a fucking day!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Omg what a fucking day!

Last night I finally figured out how to use Bixby, which is Samsung’s version of Siri. I set the alarm for 9 am. I wanted to make sure I took my blood pressure meds as I haven’t been so great in taking the morning dose. I woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off because of my bladder. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom.

I then tried to go back to sleep but my ankle said haha, nope. I missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed my espresso fix. I also needed to mail my friend in Canada her birthday/Christmas gift. I hope she likes it. I can’t say what it is because she reads my blogs. I brought my baby with me to work on a story that has been cooking in my head the past few months. I became so overwhelmed when I started with just the title, I almost started bawling at Starbucks. I fought the tears back. Instead of writing the story, I wrote an outline of what I wanted to write instead. Then my friend called and we talked for about an hour. It was a good break. I went home and I was exhausted but I still needed to go to the brace clinic. I was supposed to get a ride from my cousin but he bailed on me.

I came hope and rested for a few minutes. My ankle was hurting so I figure I would wear sneakers rather than my AFO. I wanted them to see what my ankle was like when I was in a lot of pain. They evaluated me. I told the “history” of my ankle pain. And they didn’t have braces on site. Are you fucking kidding me?? I need to go back next week and bring every brace I was in for my ankle problem. Seriously! That is going to be fun bringing this stuff on the bus. After they did what they did, my ankle was really hurting me. I was an hour late with my pain meds but my sister called me so I called her back. I didn’t take my pain meds until I was on the bus. I started going through withdrawal. The dizzy spells came back really bad. I almost fell while going up the stairs. I waited on the couch until I felt better. I tried finding the boot I wore years ago in the cellar but had no idea where my brother in law put it. He brought it up for me.

I gave some time for the pain meds to work but I was still out of sorts. I had something to eat and it helped a little. Now I am hurting really bad and am waiting for my meds to work. I am so tired it’s not funny. I emailed my psychiatrist a rant. I have 3 days of appts, all in a row and I am not sure I will keep all 4 appts. I want to see my therapist but that is the most taxing one as I need to walk 0.3 miles to and from his office. I also see my psych before him. I have to keep the appt next week for the brace because otherwise it might be weeks till I can get back in. I also have PT. I will be in pain till Christmas, but that is okay. It’s not like I am disabled or anything. I am so fucking pissed. I felt like they just didn’t get it. They just want me to use the new brace during flares as they don’t want to limit my mobilization. But being immobile give me less pain. I am so annoyed!!

I have been fighting tears because I am so frustrated. But my meds are kicking in now so I need to lie down. Hope tomorrow isn’t a day filled with pain. Also hope when I lie down, my pain doesn’t increase more than it already is. Chronic pain sucks.

a day of baking in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of baking in pain

I fell asleep sometime after 2000, only to wake up around midnight. I stayed awake for a few hours. I think I went back to sleep sometime after 0300. I woke up 6 hours later in pain. My back was hurting. It went away after moving about some. I got my spare change and went to Stop and Shop to turn it in and buy a few items. The change came to like $9 and the 3 items I bought, butter, a dozen and a half of eggs, and Cheerios, came to about $7. I went back home.

My foot wasn’t hurting me but once I started preparing for baking, it flared. I made 2 Nantucket cranberry cakes. One was regular and the other was gluten free. I made the gluten free one first. I tasted the batter and it was awful. It left such a nasty after taste that I drank some almond milk to make it go away. It didn’t work. I was really tired after making this one cake so I rested a little bit before making the second one. For some reason, the batter was different. It usually is thick but it wasn’t. It tasted okay with the regular flour. I don’t know why it was thin. I did use a little more vanilla extract than it called for so maybe those extra drops thinned it. I don’t know. It cooked okay. Both cakes kind of caved in after they cooled off, which was weird. That didn’t happen before. My foot was absolutely killing me after I put the 2nd cake in the oven. I put on the timer and then went upstairs to take some pain meds.

I basically just played with my phone for about a half hour or so. My mother needed the oven so she could make dinner. I was waiting all day for my PT to respond to my emails about resuming PT. Apparently, their facility needs clearance after a hospital admission, even though I was admitted for psych not medical. So weird. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her to contact my PT to clear me. I see the PT next Tuesday. She wants me to do a pain and restorative function program but I am not sure I want to do it. It meets like twice a week and it is an all day thing where you go in at like 0830-1430 or so. It’s a combination of meeting with a pain doc, an OT, and PT. It sounds pretty intensive and I am not sure I am up for it as my stamina has not been so great. My former PCP wanted me to try it but I never got a chance to even look at it as my father got sick and then died. It was hard to deal with at the time juggling everything. I don’t know if I want to continue in the PT this therapist has because I just am not motivated to do the things she wants me to do. The depression is making everything harder and just getting out of bed is a hassle.

I went to the Dell website and tomorrow I will be getting the laptop I want. It is just a little more than $250. I hope I budgeted right. I am getting my haircut tomorrow for the RMV. I really don’t want my pic to be a Chia pet right now as my hair is all over the place. I hope I am not there all day. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow morning so I will be wearing my AFO instead of the boot. I set my alarm for 0715 so I can catch the 747 bus. The barbers open at 0830. I want to be in and out. Hope there are no bus delays, I won’t be happy if there are.

Finally some concrete answers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally some concrete answers!!

Before going to bed last night, I emailed my neurologist that I went for the bone scan so that he would know and then get back to me about what the treatment was going to be moving forward. Late this morning he responded and said the scan showed I did have some bone changes and clinically I do have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). He wanted me to go on some anti-convulsant but I briefly looked into it and it has a lot of nasty side effects, which doesn’t appeal to me. He is going to discuss it with my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I emailed her to tell her he would be in touch but I am not thrilled to go on this medication. It’s new and most likely will cost me some big bucks come the new year. But we’ll see. I finally have a concrete diagnosis.

This morning was a fucking joke. My alarm went off and I should have put it on snooze but I turned it off. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep for an hour, waking up to some text messages. I had just enough time to try and catch the 7 am bus but just as I was approaching the corner, it drove by. I had to wait for the next one at 0725 but it never showed up. It was freezing out and I didn’t wear my jacket. By the time the bus to the Square came, I was running late to see my psychiatrist. I just ordered espresso from Starbucks and a donut and then made my way to the train station. I got to the Station when my psych called me to say she was stuck in traffic on the highway. She hasn’t moved in at least 10 minutes. Yikes! We rescheduled and I caught the bus home, with the intention of going back to bed.

It was really cold in my room so I shut the window part that I opened. I took my pain and blood pressure meds. I also started with the new weight loss pill. I plan on taking it in the morning in case it makes me jittery. I tried going to sleep but I couldn’t so I played with my phone. I decided to take the AC out of the window and then try again for sleep. I opened the window to take the AC out and it almost fell out! Crap! I couldn’t lift it to bring it inside. Somehow I did, at the cost of breaking my screen. It flew out of the window but that can be easily replaced. If the AC fell, it would have wrecked the roof and porch below. I went downstairs to retrieve the screen outside. I also told my mother what happened and that I finally have a diagnosis.

I played with my phone some more and then I was getting sleepy so laid down. I don’t know what the fuck I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I screamed. Then I turned over to take the strong pain meds and it hurt more. I was in complete agony. It was easily a 14/10. I just wanted to die. I started getting a pain anxiety and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took my meds and an Ativan. I tried distraction but it was so hard. I just laid there moaning. Then my mother called to ask if I could go downstairs to bring up her gallon of wine. I told her I was in a flare and couldn’t move. Someone stole it by the time she came home. I feel bad.

Finally the meds kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I felt better but I was still in a lot of pain, not as much as I was but say a 10 instead of a 14. I had to use the bathroom so had to get up. That was torture. I used the cane to get around because I didn’t have time to put the boot on. It was really hot in my room as my mother turned up the heat. I was sweating. She was making dinner so I had something to eat and then I went back up to my room with the mail. When I came up to my room, I opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan started making some noises that were annoying me so I turned it off. I asked my brother in law to come look at it when he got home from work. I hope it’s fixable. I also asked my mother to lower the heat. Hopefully my room cools down. I fucking hate the heat!!! And my room has two settings, unbearably hot and freezing cold. I rather be cold because I can put on layers and snuggle under the blanket.