Tag: nerve injury

decisions made

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Decisions made

I have decided not to go to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. I feel like it will just be stressful and if I am in pain then I will be a grump. I am two weeks post op from a hysterectomy. I think it is too soon to be going. I also am stressed about the whole cathing situation. I have to go every three hours or so and I would rather do it in my own bathroom rather than a public restroom. I also worry about Covid because chances are we won’t be wearing masks and there will be 20 year olds and 30 year olds at the wedding. I don’t know how many people there are but there is at least 50 people minimum.

I had a difficult night sleeping. I was up every few hours. I finally gave up around 0630. I thought I would have the kitchen to myself but my mother woke up and she made her breakfast. I just had my coffee with biscuits. I wanted to make the quiche but I didn’t feel up to it. I might have it later this morning when I have my second cup of coffee.

I am feeling really tired. I want to lie down and nap but my surgeon’s nurse is supposed to call me sometime in the morning so I need to be up. I want to ask her if any nerves were cut during surgery. That is important for me to know. And also when the stitches will fall off. I still have them and they seem stuck in place. I tried pulling them out and they wouldn’t give. I have a stitch in my belly button that is annoying because it is pointy. It like pricks my finger when I try and clean it out. I still have discharge so I won’t be changing to boxers like I hoped to do. I might wear them during the day and then change to women’s underwear for the evening so I can wear a pad. Only think is, the discharge is unpredictable so I might get the stuff on my boxers. That will suck. I am going to wait another few days before changing things up.

I bought a graduated water bottle so I would know how much I drink during the day. I still have no used it yet. I plan to wash it today and fill it with either water or Gatorade. I haven’t decided which I am going to use. I want to track how much I drink so I know when I cath if the output is the same. Right now drinking Gatorade I am just estimating how much I drink.

I have a feeling when I talk to the uro NP she is going to have me measure my urine when I go to see how much I am outputting. That isn’t going to be fun. I understand the reasoning behind it but it is just a pain in the ass. I might have to go in to get a bladder scan after I cath to see if there is anything left. It is the only way of knowing if I am truly empty. I hate my life right now as it just seems to revolve around bladder issues. It is always in the forefront of my mind.

resting today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Resting today

I woke up around 330 this morning to pee and it took a while to get back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I had to pee again. I took my meds after and then went back to sleep. The surgeon’s nurse called to check in with me around noon time and I got up for coffee after we spoke. It was raining so I decided to stay in. I was going to go out to get some half and half but decided to get it delivered with some other stuff.

I just plan on resting today. I had to give myself the T shot today. My left leg was being cranky so I opted to give my right another shot. I also plan on brushing my teeth and shaving my head again. I also need to shower. It will be later this afternoon when I am up for it. I am too tired to do it right now. I just want to sleep.

Pain is a little less today. I was having some mega pain earlier but I think it was because my bladder was full and I had to have a BM. I felt better afterwards. I didn’t cath after I voided. I was going to drink coffee so I know I am going to go again soon. I will cath then. The discharge is becoming less. I probably will be back to boxers by the weekend. Saturday I have a wedding to go to. I am kind of nervous about it. I have to go in my closet and find a dress shirt. The one I ordered is too tight for my liking. I might wear short sleeves. I really want to wear my burgundy red shirt with the tie I bought and black pants.

I haven’t eaten anything today. The restaurant where I normally buy Kung Pao doesn’t sell it anymore. I ordered it from some place else and it was horrible. I will never buy food there again. Even their wontons sucked. Just for kicks I took my weight and found that it was still below 200. I guess the swelling and soreness from surgery has brought my weight back to where it should be. I was over 200 when I was at the surgeon’s office last week. I didn’t get weighed this week when I saw her because I couldn’t bear to see what it was.

Saturday Blog 07082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 07082021

Today is my ex therapist’s and cousin’s birthday. I wished them both a happy day. I have been having a mellow day. I went to the store to pick up my pictures that I had developed. They were of my sister’s wedding and bridal shower. One roll of film didn’t come out great but then it is 16 years old so I am not surprised.

I had my coffee and a bowl of cereal. My mother had to comment about my grumpy face. Well I hadn’t had coffee yet so there. I hate when she comments on my depressed face. She isn’t supportive in it but just kinds of makes fun of me. It annoys me that she does this.

Twitter is filled with racism talk and Covid cases today. It is so depressing and angering. I am going to try and stay off it today because it is just bringing me down. I need to shave today. I might shower even though I showered yesterday. Today is hot and I have been sweaty. I am in the kitchen typing this because I wanted coffee. I need a second cup. I had three yesterday, one around 530p to watch the Sox fall apart in the 5th inning. It was such a lousy game last night. It is hot in the kitchen as it is 88 degrees out. So I am drinking hot coffee in a hot kitchen. I don’t mind drinking hot coffee. I could have made iced coffee but I just don’t feel like it.

Yesterday I ordered groceries. I ordered a bunch of yogurt because I love it. Chobani makes a strawberry cheesecake that is pretty awesome. It is basically strawberry yogurt with graham cracker sprinkles and some candy that tastes like cheesecake. I also bought protein drinks for when I am not hungry.

My sister invited me for lunch for a burger and I couldn’t say no. I love grilled cheeseburgers. I also had some potato salad and coleslaw. I saw my brother in law and he said he would be up to take care of my AC. I am still waiting. It has been more than a month. I hope there is nothing wrong with the new unit because the warranty has expired as it has been more than 30 days that I have had the unit, sitting in a box in my living room.

Next week is going to be a busy week for me. I have three appointments and need to go to the lab to give a urine sample for pre-op. It is to make sure I don’t have an infection. I go for Covid testing the following week. Shit which means that I will have to reschedule my therapy appointment for that day as it is a Monday. Maybe I won’t have therapy the week of surgery. My sister is working that week so I am having a friend pick me up after the procedure. It is day surgery. I should be ok. I just got to make sure everything I need is within reach when I am home. I won’t be able to lift things for 8 weeks so I am not sure how I am going to get my order of Gatorade for the month of August. I might have to order it before surgery to make sure I don’t run out and have plenty on hand. Not sure where I will put it but as long as I have it, that will be the important thing. I do have to keep walking so that the gas they are putting in me has a chance to be absorbed. I never had this before and hope it isn’t too uncomfortable. I am more worried about being sore and not being able to sit up in my bed. I kind of lean forward when I am in my bed than if I am in the kitchen sitting in a chair. That is my biggest concern because I will be in bed most of the time, or at least in my room. If my new AC gets put in my room by then, I hope I can put a folding chair in my room so I can sit in it for a bit rather than just stay on my bed.

I have my last PT session day before surgery. I don’t think I will be needing PT after surgery according to my surgeon so that is good. I just hope there isn’t a draw back like my back surgery where I was so tired that it was hard to move due to the duration of the surgery. This surgery doesn’t have that much blood loss so I should be ok, if all goes well.

Back on Twitter!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Back on Twitter.

I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.

I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,

I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”

I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.

My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.

I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.