Tag: painsomnia

Painsomnia is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia is real

I did way too much today, though, to an average person, it wasn’t really a lot. Just what a “normal” person would do in a given day. I am not a “normal” person anymore. So now I am in a lot of pain. I have taken my pain meds but I don’t know if I will need my strong pain pill to take care of the intense throbbing in my foot. It’s more annoying than painful at this point. But it’s keeping me up despite how exhausted I feel.

The cake I made came out good, though there were parts of it where it didn’t cook right. This is my third time making the cake and I don’t know what I did wrong. I might have over beaten the batter, but other than that, I have no clue. It’s still good though and I will be sharing it with my psychiatrist.

I sent an email to my psych today about not being able to find a therapist. I told her I give up as this was my fourth try. She wants me to call her tomorrow. So I told her I would when I got up, whatever time that maybe. She said to call her during the day so we’ll see. I feel like I am in trouble but I know that I’m not. I don’t know why I feel this way. If she was concerned, she would have called me right away. I hope it’s to tell me she has a therapist or maybe to try calling one more time to someone she knows.

I was able to shower today despite my ankle going berserk on me. I felt much better afterwards. I leaked so I had to shower. I hate it when I leak. I don’t understand it though because I am having a hard time letting go of my urine. It’s taking me a while for it to pass when I am on the toilet. Stupid retention. I hope I don’t have to see a urologist about this. I really don’t want to go for testing just for them to tell me what I already know. My pain meds mixed with my antipsychotic are making me retain more. Fucking sucks. I wish I didn’t have a nerve injury. Then I wouldn’t be having this problem.

I had to wait until my mother went to bed to try and sleep but I kind of got my second wind when I went downstairs to see if she put my cake in the cake thingy that she has. I also wanted to bring up the clothes she washed so she didn’t have to. She started washing clothes around 2000. Pissed me off because the noise annoyed me. I don’t know why she didn’t do it earlier. It’s not like she did anything. Just don’t understand it. She could have waited till tomorrow.

I’m not planning on going out tomorrow. I need to rest because I need to go out on Friday to see my psych. That is kind of a hike for me and takes some energy. It’s not a huge deal but I am always tired after the visits. Maybe I will get some Thai food after my appointment. I haven’t had Thai in so long. It’s one of my favorite foods. Shoot, I still need to get hamburgers. I bought rolls but I still haven’t gone to the butcher’s shop for the meat. I will do that tomorrow. Then I can have burgers for dinner, with my honey Dijon mustard. Yum!

So Effin Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So effin tired

Last night, again, I woke up in the middle of the night and was up for a couple of hours, unable to get back to sleep. I had a bowl of cereal and then I was able to sleep for a few hours. I am totally exhausted and don’t want to do shit today. I had to place a few phone calls today but I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. I will call tomorrow.

I just emailed my psychiatrist. I just feel so sad that I don’t have anyone else to vent to, other than my blog. While I was up in the middle of the night, I opened my window because my room was much too warm. I have it at a comfortable temp right now, as long as the heat doesn’t kick on again. It’s raining today so I am keeping an eye on the window to make sure no water comes in. That wouldn’t be good.

I haven’t eaten anything since getting up about a half hour ago. I was trying to go back to sleep but my foot was having none of it. Then the birds and a dog was making noise. I just gave up. I just want to lie down as sitting up is giving me a headache. I just don’t feel well because of my lack of sleep, or rather, interrupted sleep.

I still feel sad over seeing my aunt not so well yesterday. I wish there was something I could do to make her better but she is old and there is nothing really that can be done. I know one day she is no longer going to be with us, and that hurts me. I just love her so much.

I can’t believe how much my ankle/foot is hurting me today. It might be because of the weather or all the cooking I did yesterday afternoon. But I didn’t do anything today as I really haven’t left my bed except to go to the bathroom. I took my pain meds and am waiting for them to work. Seems I am always waiting for meds to work. It’s tiring. I am so fed up with it.

Sunday Blog 26

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 26

I did a lot today. I started the day off with a much needed shower. That wiped me out but I couldn’t rest because I had to visit my aunt. Seeing her was difficult as she was easily confused and kept asking for her son (my cousin). She wanted to talk to him so I called him on my phone. She was asking where he was and when he was going to visit her. This was the first time seeing her in this state and it was heartbreaking. We left after the phone call as she was tired and needed a nap.

We had a long ride back home as there was traffic. I still had to cook my sauce. It took about two hours to be ready. I am glad because I was starving as I didn’t have lunch. By the time I was done making the sauce and cooking the pasta, I was toast. I was so exhausted I barely could move. My mother ended up cleaning up as I could barely stand. My foot was screaming at me.

I didn’t have a good sleep as I again woke up around 0400 after falling asleep around 2. I am really sick of waking up before 6. I need to nap because I am hurting so much. I filled my pill box last night so I am set to take my meds for the week. I am glad I did it because I am wicked tired and to fill the box right now would be a joke. I would just take this or that and say the hell with the rest of my meds.

I made the mistake of telling my sister I was making sauce. Now she wants some. She was complaining the whole time she was having pasta. No salt in the dish. I should have made it with peppers and onions. Blah blah blah. I was like next time you make it the way you want it. I make things the way I like it. My mother even complained there was no salt. I never use salt when cooking. I think things are over salted and it sucks. I like things plain and will use pepper before I reach for the salt. I thought the pasta and sauce came out really good, though the pasta could have been cooked a little more. I was cooking a pasta I don’t normally cook so it was difficult to tell when it was done. I will know for next time.

doc 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.