Tag: physical pain

never ending. It just goes on and on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Never ending. It just goes on and on

I’m trying to settle down for sleep but a new pain keeps popping up when I lie down, when I sit up, when I take my meds, when I move it, etc. It is fucking never ending. I am not doing a damn thing tomorrow, least that is the plan for now.

I sent an email to my psychiatrist asking her if I was a difficult patient. I briefly discussed my therapy session with my therapist and that the therapy group down the hall from him contacted me. Unfortunately, it got filtered to my junk mail so I didn’t get it until I got home. My phone doesn’t get junk mail for they could be viruses embedded in what they send. Last thing I need is a virus on my phone.

I just sent an email to my neurologist asking her if she could help me out by confirming that I do indeed have CRPS as my PCP just wants to pass me off to another doctor. I am tired of seeing new doctors who aren’t helpful and then just want to pass me off or not treat/see me anymore. I see my neuro in two weeks. It was kind of a long email but I don’t care. My stupid phone kept on inserting different words as I typed, which annoyed the crap out of me. I should have just typed it on my laptop so I wouldn’t get aggravated. Lesson learned.

My foot feels like it is being strangled. There is such a pressure on it like it’s going to burst. I am so tired that I am reaching the over tired stage, which is dangerous because I could catch my second wind and then be up all night. I took an Ativan because along with the strangulation, my ankle is pulsating. The little muscles are twitching. This condition is so frustrating because there is never ending different kinds of pain. I wish I could see a doctor at this hour so they can see or I can try to explain to them what living with this condition is like. All I can do is send them an email and then not get a response. But at least by writing it out, it helps me because at least I have documentation that I wrote this to a doctor.

I still am shocked that in the great medical hub of Boston, I have not found a doctor that is willing to help me. Sure, my PCP gives me pain meds to alleviate my pain. I appreciate that. But he doesn’t want to stop there. Right now my diagnosis is in the air and it is making everything seem like we haven’t tried enough. I am tired of this merry go round. I want off. I asked my neuro if she could possible give me a concrete diagnosis and staple it on my PCP’s head. Well, I didn’t say that. But if she could send a note to him saying I have this dreaded condition, then maybe I don’t have to see yet another new doc. There is no treatment for this condition. I know this. My PCP knows this, my neuro knows this. But opioids help me and if I don’t have them, I am good as dead. I have exhausted physical therapy. I have tried injections. I have tried rest. This is no longer a case of tendonitis. It is deeper than that.

The pain is changing all the fucking time, all over my ankle, foot, toes, bones. It hurts every where. Normally, at this hour, I would be writing a morbid story about ending my life. That is what this blog was about. My suicidal thoughts in the cybersphere. But then one day someone took it too far and called the cops on me so I no longer talk about those things, even though it relieves the tendencies to act. Thoughts are NOT the same as feelings. And feelings does not mean act upon them. It is okay to feel. It is ok to think. Here is a quote from the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman that I had the pleasure of talking to him before he died.

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I write these blogs because I still am struggling night after night, day after day. Pain increases my vulnerability to think of self-destruction. I have the means though no one talks about restricting them. I told my psychiatrist I have something that will end my life but still, she doesn’t ask about it when I see her. She never does. Poor assessment of risks. So does my therapist who knows damn well that I have chronic suicidal thoughts. It makes me angry that I am not treated the way I was with my former therapist, Bozo. She was annoying, I will give her that, but she fucking cared and if I had a method she damn well tried to take it away from me the best she could. I really miss her. Yesterday was her birthday. I wonder if I will be alive to see mine. I really am surprised that you CAN get anything off of Amazon. While I was searching for my method, they had machetes. Machetes!! I don’t think I would have the will power to use it to chop my ankle off but I know a chainsaw would do the job. I refuse to search for it because I know in my darkest of moments, I may just buy it. I’ll go all Scarface on my ankle and groin to sever my artery.

I am once again plagued by dark thoughts. All because I can’t sleep and I am in pain that is never ending. It just goes on and on.

Sunday Blog 6 August 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 6 August 2017

I thought I would wake up early as my med alarm was to go off around 7. I don’t remember shutting the alarm off or taking my meds so I must have been really in a deep sleep. I checked my spreadsheet to see if I did log in my pain meds and there wasn’t an entry for today. I went almost all day without pain meds. I wasn’t in pain so I guess that was good.

I woke up around 1330 and had breakfast. I brushed my teeth before hand and then ate. My gums are still sore from the dental work. I made coffee but by the time it was done, I was getting sleepy again. I must have had a few sips, went to my room, had a few more sips and then took a nap. It was Pike not my expensive coffee so I didn’t care that it got wasted. My mother called me to make sure I would be making supper. I woke up a few hours later due to my bladder. It was 1600 and I wasn’t in pain so I just made supper.

I made ribs and they were good. Unfortunately, one tried to escape and got on my shirt as I saved it. So after supper, I took a shower. I needed one anyways as the last time I took one was Wednesday. After the shower I filled my med box for the week. I hope my doc calls in my hormone pills because I just used the last week. I’ll have to keep an eye on it because I don’t want to miss a dose next week. My ankle started to hurt when I was done so I took some pain meds.

I missed the ball game, though they won. That makes it 6 in a row. I am so happy for my guys. We are still narrowly in first with the Skankees in 2nd place. We play the Evil Empire the end of the week. Those games will really count toward the standings as we are so close.

I got to call the dentist tomorrow because my gum line is still so sore whenever I eat anything. I have been taking ibuprofen, which as helped but the soreness is still there. I just don’t want it to become infected or anything. That would suck really bad.

I got a comment on one of my popular blogs, Knackered, today. The woman has a daughter with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I then checked my stats and there are 23 views from that blog alone for today. The UK is really reading my blogs with 21 views, so far. I am a stats geek, though I do not like the new format of WordPress Stats. But, can’t do anything about it. As long as I can get my daily tally, I am good. I just miss being about to click on a blog and see the total stats for it. I haven’t quite figured it out with the new format. I also miss seeing my total views. I need to change screens and it’s a pain. I used to take screen shots of it and post it on FB but it’s hard to do now. But now that I can screen shot on my phone, I think I can post it.

I’m getting really excited because this coming Saturday I will be going on a booze cruise around Boston Harbor to benefit Autism. I will be going with my youngest sister, who is also a mutual friend of the person running the cruise. It should be fun. I haven’t been around Boston Harbor in years so I am really looking forward to it. I love my city! I really can’t imagine living anywhere else, least not permanently. I have always wanted to go away to grad school somewhere because the tuition is cheaper. Now it doesn’t look like it will happen because I can’t afford to finish my bachelor’s degree. It still hurts. Just hope to win the lottery one day…

Saturday Blog 88

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 88

I surprisingly slept through the night, waking up around 0700. I was in pain, of course. I finally went back to sleep around 8 after I took my pain meds. I woke up three hours later with my foot still throbbing away, though at a lower intensity. I made coffee and had the scone that I didn’t eat yesterday. It was good. I wanted to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I couldn’t find the effort. My mouth is still hurting. I suspect it is going to bother me for at least a week. I have been trying not to eat on that side but it’s hard.

I woke up from a weird dream. It had Chester Bennington in it and I thought the person was going to sing one of Linkin Park’s new songs, One More Light. Instead my brain played Hoobastank’s The Reason. So that song has been in my head all morning.

I read Tom Sawyer while I had my coffee. I read three chapters, maybe four and then decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription before I got lazy again. I bought some turkey bacon and wanted to make a sandwich but my foot went berserk when I came home. I will try and make it for dinner. I hope by then my foot calms down.

It’s really muggy outside and the house is worse. It rained this morning and didn’t cool off at all. I hate humidity. I wanted to make ribs but it’s too hot for the oven to be turned on. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I’m going to try and make them then. The funny thing is, it was cheaper to buy these ribs in the store than online. I saved about a dollar in store versus online. Oh well. I am still making a list of what I need. I got the basics down.

I know it’s Saturday. It feels like this week went by in a blur. I know I slept through most of it because of not sleeping and pain. Next week should be fun. I am going on a Booze Cruise around Boston Harbor. I will have one drink or two and then just enjoy the ride. I am looking forward to it. The proceeds benefit Autism. I will be going with my sister as I didn’t want to go alone.

I’m getting hungry as I didn’t have lunch. I think I will have some cheese with wheat thins.

dental appointment and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dental appointment and other things

I had my cavities filled. There were two that needed them. The third is just being watched as the prescription toothpaste seems to be helping it. I am still numb and am slowly getting feeling back. I had a frozen dinner for supper because it was soft. I can only chew on my left side right now because my right is still numb. I have to go back in two weeks because I have another cavity on my left side but it is small. At this point, I just want to get it over with so I will have it done and then come back in 6 months for a cleaning. I will try to be better at brushing my teeth. It isn’t always easy because I lack the motivation to brush because of pain or depression that I feel.

My ankle is really hurting but because I am still having difficulty swallowing, I can’t take any meds at this time. I am going to try though in about a half hour. The dentist asked what I wanted to be called and I told him G. He then asked what pronoun and I said he. He was very accepting about it. I was so happy. It was a relief.

I am very tired as I had taken some Ativan to relax me for the procedure. I still wasn’t as relaxed as I thought I would be. Some of the shavings or whatever you want to call them, fell in the back of my throat and caused me to choke. The stupid assistant was not good with the suction thing. Now that the stress of it is over, I just want to sleep. But it’s too early to. I hope I don’t catch my second wind later.

I was able to shower even though my back didn’t like it at all. It cramped soon as I got in. Saves me from having to take one tomorrow as I need to be up early. I have an early appointment with my psych. I think it will be our last appointment for this month as she is taking a three week vacation. I think it starts next week, but I could be wrong. I’ll find out tomorrow. She will still have access to her email. I just won’t be able to page her because her beeper will be signed out to her boss.

I still haven’t heard from the therapy center. I sent them two requests. I am going to give them another week and see what happens. I’ve done all I can but camp out at their office. If I don’t hear from them by the end of next week, I will move on to someone else. Who that will be, I have no fricken clue. A friend gave me a referral network number so I think I will call and see if I get anywhere. It might be worth a shot.