Tag: psychology

therapy and not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. She again brought up negative symptoms. She is afraid of her losing me, whatever that means. I told her I just feel nothing, like everything is blunt. I also feel flat. Her fear is that the longer this goes on, the more I am going to feel this way. I don’t get why this is of concern. Maybe I am missing something that she just isn’t explaining well enough.

We also talked about the possibility of seeing someone while she is away for a couple of weeks in August. She brought up the question of whether I would see someone DBT like as an adjunct therapist. I have no intention of seeing someone other than my therapist and my psychiatrist. I don’t think I will see someone while she is away. I probably will just write letters like I usually do when she is gone. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I need to find out if my psychiatrist will be away the same time. That will suck but it is a possibility. I will find out Monday when I see my psych.

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up like every couple of hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything. I just slept for two hours here, three there and then woke up thinking it was time to wake up, but it wasn’t. I did finally get to sleep after the fourth time I was up. I slept for about five hours before my phone went off. Someone was calling me but I think it was the wrong number because they didn’t leave a message. And my mother called at her normal time to see if I was going out today. I don’t plan on it. I am just too tired. I am having coffee to try and wake up but it’s not doing much for me.

I might go to the grocery store to get some cream. I am almost out. I just don’t know if I am have the energy to do it. It’s much cooler today than it has been. I finally have the AC off as it’s really cold in my room. I like the cold but not freezing cold.

I need to call the PT place to set up an appointment. I do but don’t want to go to therapy. It’s down the street from me so it’s not like I will be going far. It’s just my fear that it’s going to cause more pain than what I am already in. And there is no guarantee that it’s really going to help me. I think docs like to send you when they don’t know what else to do for you.

Looks like today I am just going to sleep. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don’t have anything that I really need to do today. I might get a Zipcar next week and see my therapist. All depends on if I get my funds.

Reading Randomness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve had a long day and it’s been pretty exhausting, though I didn’t really do much. I had called my cousin to tell him I wouldn’t be visiting him because of my pain and he was not sympathetic at all. I knew he wouldn’t be. I was to say hi to him in the morning but he never called me so I went about my day. It was muggy so I pretty much just stayed in my room.

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I spent most of the afternoon reading. I am glad I am done with it because I have finished the series. Now I can move on to my other books. If I am up to it, I will start “The Cuckoo’s Calling”, which is another book by JK Rowling written under her Pen Name Robert Galbraith. If I like the series, I will read the other two books. It’s amazing what you learn from Twitter about authors.

My voices are quiet but the songs in my head are still going. They aren’t as loud as they have been. I forgot to take my dose earlier this afternoon. Yesterday, I took 12 mg of trilafon to quiet things down. Now it seems to be wearing off. I meant to call my psychiatrist but I haven’t done so. I will try tomorrow. I don’t feel like talking to anyone tonight.

The Sox are still off. They don’t play again till tomorrow night. I miss hearing about baseball. The sox are still trying to get a high school left handed pitcher. He went for a physical today, but there has been no deal yet. I wish they would sign him already.

My mood is pretty much the same: bleak and sometimes gloomy. I just can’t get out of this funk I am in and I don’t know how much the psychosis is playing a part. Most of the time I feel flat, like I don’t have any emotions at all. When I am not feeling that way, I feel sad and depressed. I don’t feel joy or any positive feelings. Nothing makes me “happy”.

I have been fighting sleep since I woke up. I just feel really tired. I have no energy to do anything. It took all my spoons just to take a shower this morning. But I know if I lie down, I will just wake up in ten minutes or my ankle will explode in pain. That seems to be happening a lot more frequently. I lie down and my ankle hurts big time. It doesn’t really bother me while I am in a seated position but soon as I lie down, forget about it. Pisses me off.

I had texted my therapist this morning to see if there were any openings to let me know. So far there hasn’t been and as the night goes on, I don’t think there are going to be any. The only thing I have planned for tomorrow is to go to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. She needs some stuff for the house. I might go to Starbucks in the morning and then go on my way home. I really should get cracking on the psychology 101 book that I bought. I am almost done with chapter 1. There are long chapters in this book. I can only read so much before my brain gets fried or I lose interest in what I am reading. I am glad I am not in school or I would have flunked by now.

Soap Opera Season has Begun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Soap Opera Season Has Begun

It’s only day three of Spring training for the Red Sox and already it’s turning into a circus. Hanley can’t handle a throw from shortstop so gave Boegarts an error. I am lucky I didn’t see it because I would have been pissed. I am pissed just hearing about it. Then later this evening, a female Sox reporter resigns because her love life can’t include a member of the Sox. Supposedly she had relations with the skipper, Farrell. Whether these relations are continuing or have ended, hasn’t been publicly announced. I don’t understand what business it is for the press to be involved in such matters but they are just looking for a story. And it has begun. I am sure the drama at first base will continue as well as this developing story of the skipper’s love life. I wonder if baseball is going to get covered at all…

I texted my therapist several time today. I was giving her updates on the status of my appointment with my psychiatrist, which I still don’t have. My psych has not responded to the multiple emails I have sent her. I waited a good amount of time for a response. We’ll see if I get one on Monday. I am not going to bother emailing on the weekend, unless something comes up.

I also told my therapist that a slime ball inspirational speaker wants to meet my ex-therapist. I don’t know why I should care but I do. I wanted to respond with “yea, he is a great guy (therapist), but you are an asshole” but I didn’t. This guy, the speaker, pisses me off and I don’t know why. I am sure jealousy is an element on some level. He wrote a book about his experience with jumping off a bridge and surviving. When he was a teen. He is now an adult. I just find his story suspicious and every one is oooing and ahhhing over him. I understand how it is to go through a suicidal episode but you cannot tell me that he hasn’t once thought of ending his life since that day he was rescued. That he is “cured” of being suicidal. And I think that is what pisses me off about him, that he is selling something that isn’t true. I have never heard his story or read his book, so I really don’t know if there have been other suicidal episodes that he discloses. And yes I will admit to being jealous because I too wrote a book about my experience and got fucking no where with it. The only time I get an acknowledgement from the same people this clown hangs around with is when I write academic papers. Other than that, people don’t want to hear my daily struggle with suicide.

I am glad I have this blog because, honestly, I have met some pretty great people that are better than these professionals that I have met on Twitter. There is one clinician that will acknowledge me every now and then, but it’s mostly my physical pain that he responds to. I don’t know when I became a bitter person. Probably when the lab shafted me after 14 years of giving them 110% every time I worked no matter my mental or physical illness was doing to me. I was a body to them and a brain they needed to sort through the shit and foul ups of others. I’ll never forget when a resident came by the lab with four tubes of CSF and had no fucking clue what she wanted tested but expected us to know. Then when one of the tests were short, she didn’t know the difference between mad cow disease and Alzheimer’s. Really??? You are post medical school and studying neurology and you don’t know the fucking difference between these two diseases other than they affect the brain?? I memorized her name because I didn’t want to go near her. Course it has been some time now and I have forgotten it. My memory is not the same as it once was. I do know she became a pedi-neuro. Pretty scary that some parent is going to be trusting her with the life of the child.

Oh and before I forget, again, my oldest niece just published her first paper on E. Coli. I am so proud of her. It was a very HUGE accomplishment and there was a huge collaboration as the author lists just go on and on. She is listed as an acknowledgement but that is still pretty good.

I read the “do I need therapy” blog tonight because my therapist wanted me at my last session. I think it was a stupid blog because I repeated myself several times. I still don’t know what point I was trying to make. Maybe that I felt obligated to be in therapy because I feel like I owe my therapist that much. And I don’t mean monetarily wise. Like I told her in that session, I could owe her nothing yet I still would feel like I did.

My back is really hurting me. I need to lie down but if I go to sleep now, I know that I will wake up at three in the morning. I also want to keep checking my blog stats because I am 4 views away from 60,000. I haven’t taken any pain meds yet. I will once I feel a little more settled down. I got a lot on my brain.

I wonder if I should be in the hospital. I have been against it because there is no treatment there. You just get watched and drugged up and then sent home. Plus with my pain meds, they always fuck it up and I need to request it the way I take it at home rather than how it is written. I have been telling my PCP to change it even before he left but he still just left it at 1 pill every 6 hours. I usually take 2 pills twice a day, some times more, sometimes less. It all depends on what my level of pain is. He knows this and never changed it so I am screwed. Now he is gone and no one asks me if my meds are adequate. But the hospital won’t see it that way. I always get stigmatized about it. And don’t get me started on the pain scale I have to fill out at every single dose. That pisses me off more than the fuck up. Then I got to pack appropriately, write out my medication list, and be sure I can carry all the stuff on the public transportation. Last time I brought a backpack and a carry on. I was in an AFO at the time, so it took some maneuvering to carry everything. My bags were full because I had to carry at least a book or two in addition to my journal. I also carried a notepad with me just in case writing hit me. It’s been almost a year and a half since my last hospitalization but I remember it as if it were yesterday. I don’t really care what becomes of my father’s medication if I do go in. It’s not that hard, really. My sisters could do it if they chose to.

Why Do I Need Therapy?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychology, suicide

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.