Tag: psychotherapist

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

Random 334

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 334

I had a good sleep. I then made lunch. I heated up some ribs that I bought. It was half a rack and they were yummy. I ate the whole thing. I still am pretty full so I don’t think I will have anything else tonight. I might have cereal if I get hungry. As I went out on the porch to grab a soda, I found the box of cocoa pebbles that I knew I had. I didn’t put it in the cabinet. It was on the chair that is out there. In my recent grocery delivery, I bought three boxes so I wouldn’t run out. Now I have four. I just wish I bought some almond milk but by the time I thought of it, it was past the deadline to add stuff to the order. I will just grab it at Walgreens the next time I go.

I spent the day resting my leg and ankle today. I was in a lot of pain last night and had to take two strong pain meds to quiet down the intensity. I shouldn’t have gone up the stairs at the train station. I thought I could handle it. I thought wrong. Going down the stairs is easier for me than going up. And then having to walk to my therapist’s office was a killer.

Late last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her if she thought I needed therapy. I felt like I was handling things okay since my other therapist basically dumped me. I really don’t know if going to therapy is going to help me at this point in my life. I have been going for so long that I kind of enjoyed the break. I am not saying it made me less suicidal or anything. I do know that since increasing the Zoloft dose, I have been able to cope with things better. Pain bothers me but doesn’t send me to a suicidal crisis every time I have a flare up. I have been managing my pain a little better, though I don’t really know what has been different. I guess being able to use my strong pain meds more liberally has been a help. Before that, I was just taking it when I was at a suicidal point. Now I take it before I reach that and the pain usually quiets down so I can manage.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me this morning and said yes, I need therapy and that I should be in it for six months. I cringed. That seems like an awfully long time to know if this is going to work or not. My biggest fear is being dumped again. I don’t have the sense that this guy is going to do that but I didn’t think that after 16 years, my former therapist and I would call it quits either.

My therapist that I am seeing calls losing my former therapist a loss. I try not to think about it much because it’s like this huge hole inside me. She hurt me a lot by ending it and not being able to work on what wasn’t working. Maybe we just reached the end of the line and there was nothing to do but terminate in the end. She still has not called me about my things being ready to be picked up. I definitely want my bears back. I don’t care so much about the paperwork and books. But I want my Johnny, Bucky, and Amelia. If I don’t hear from her next week, I will text her. Her billing still hasn’t fixed their error. I have no idea what I owe her and I refuse to pay her until it’s sorted out.

It’s that hour where my ankle/foot/toes go berserk. I am in pain, again, even though I haven’t done anything the past hour. That is the frustrating part of this condition, that I will be in pain if I do nothing or do something. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I need to take my night meds soon. I hope the nap I took in the afternoon didn’t screw up my sleep. It was a good nap, though I dreamt I went to China and the smell made me sick. Weird.

Errand Filled Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errand filled Friday

I had a good sleep despite waking up in the middle of the night, again. I was able to go back to sleep, though I did ponder staying up and going to Starbucks at like 0400. They don’t open till 0530 so I would have had to wait and I didn’t feel like waiting so luckily I went back to sleep. When I did wake up around 0930, I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I got ready to go out and catch the 0950 bus. I decided to have breakfast at Starbucks and write for a little bit before doing my errands.

The first place I went to was the PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. It was warm when I left the house but was getting cooler as time went on and the sun went away. While waiting for the train, I decided to start reading a CBT book on suicide attempt prevention. I plan on writing a review about it when I am finished. I should be done this weekend as it’s a short book and easy reading. The terms are a little complicated but are used consistently so it’s easy to follow along.

I got off at Central Square to check out where the therapist office was. It was a little farther from the station than I thought but definitely doable for me. There are plenty of benches along the way so if I get tired, I can rest. I just need to make sure I leave myself some time to walk to the building. It should take me about fifteen minutes or so to walk at a good pace. I was hurting by the time I made it back to the station and had to rest on the said benches. My back was hurting me from the weight of my bag for some reason. I might have to empty it out to see what is causing it to be so heavy. I have only a few things in it so I don’t know why it’s heavy or feels like it is. Some days it is and other days it’s not. I think it depends on my fatigue level.

I rested then caught the train back to my Square and went to the butcher shop to get my burgers. They were cheaper than the last time I bought them, which was good. I think I got 6 burgers for 6 bucks. They may be too big for the rolls I have. After this errand, I went and waited for the bus and read my book. I then went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. They didn’t have a long wait so I waited for them to fill it. I was getting really hungry by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me, too. It was already fatigued by the time I reached the bus stop. If I didn’t have my AFO on, I would have been dragging my ankle and would not have gone to the butcher’s shop.

I am waiting for pain meds to kick in before I make my burger. I am really hungry but it will really hurt me to try and cook with my ankle hurting the way it is right now. I checked my email and my psychiatrist responded to my email. I had asked her if I should make a history sheet for the new therapist to get the suicidality out of the way so I don’t scare him off. She said see if I like him first. I thought that was good and replied saying so. If I don’t like him, there won’t be a point if suicide scares him or not. I’m kind of nervous that I will have to “teach” him suicidology and how I handle my suicidality in therapy. He might have a different approach, which I will be open to as long as we work together on it.

I’m feeling really fatigued from all the running around I did today. Last night I lowered the heat so my room didn’t become a sauna every single time the radiator came on. Now my room is cold but I am not turning the heat up. I will just had layers and for the first time all winter, I turned off the ceiling fan. My mother thinks I am going through the “change” because I have been so damn hot lately. No, it’s because the heat in my room is making me crazy. My room is the hottest because I keep my door closed 90% of the time. The heat was making me feel sick. I don’t tolerate it well since having my nerve injury.

Random 955

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 955

I woke up twice in the middle of the night. The first time, I was able to get back to sleep fairly quickly. The second time I woke up around 0530 and was in severe pain so couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I still am in pain but it’s not as severe. I took a nap and then had lunch. I had time to catch the bus, even though I felt shitty. I went out anyways just to get out.

I got to Starbucks and had my espresso. I started writing and then after a few paragraphs, I was feeling sick. I had to go home. My mother needed a birthday card so I went to CVS before going to the bus terminal. I must have been out for maybe 45 minutes or so. It was cold and raining by the time I got off the bus. Luckily, there was no trouble walking home.

I still feel like I could sleep for a hundred years and still be tired. My room has cooled off considerably and I am glad. I couldn’t stand the heat. I finally shut off the ceiling fan but I still got the window open. The temp is dropping so I know the heat is going to kick on again. I should have bought a burrito before leaving the Square. I don’t know what I am going to make for supper. I might make some pasta with my sauce. I wanted to have it for lunch but I was too groggy to cook. I still am but the coffee helped to wake me up a little bit.

I was able to shower today. I took it while I had a break in pain. It didn’t last long but long enough to wash and rinse. Drying was tough as my foot started to act up. I thought at least twice I was going to lose my balance as I was getting dressed. Damn feet did not want to go through the holes to let my boxers on. It’s so frustrating that I have to shove them in on one foot and pray I don’t fall in the process or rip the material.

Hard to believe baseball starts next week and the temps haven’t been above 50. It’s going to be really cold at the start of the season. We start off playing the Pirates, which is interleague play. I don’t know why they are starting so early this year. Usually it’s a month or two after the season begins. But I rather get them out of the way now so we just have one league to deal with by the end of the season. Least I hope so as I haven’t looked at the schedule so I could be wrong. I should be excited but I am not. It’s great that I will have a game nearly every night to listen or watch but so far this spring, I really haven’t been paying close attention. Maybe that will change once the schedule/rotation is set up (player wise). During spring training games, the regular players don’t play so it’s like why bother watching/listening. You got some no name playing second base that isn’t going to be there come Opening day. Useless. And Mr. $30 Million/year is hurt so won’t be playing. I have a feeling he is going to milk his injury and be out most of the season. Some competitive guy he is, NOT. He was placed on the 10 day DL (disabled list) but it has been more than that so why hasn’t he been throwing?? Can’t stand him. Hated the deal he got and hated him more when he couldn’t produce in the post season.

I called the therapist that I called last week. I think the message didn’t go through so I tried again as I didn’t hear back from her. I hope she does call me back in a day or so. I was looking at her website and found she is trained in different modalities that are right up my alley. If the chemistry is right, we might just work out, if she is taking on new clients. I will be so sad if she doesn’t work out and I need to find someone else, again. She has two offices, one in Boston and one in Cambridge, which is close to where I live. Either is accessible by public transportation though the one in Boston might be a little trickier, only because I have to take the bus and train. Please readers, send me good vibes she works out and has the time to see me!

I think I am going to take another nap rather than make something to eat. Without trying, I lost five pounds, which I can only guess is because I haven’t been taking Neurontin in a few days. I swear just taking this meds adds weight on. My ankle is acting up again despite me taking some pain meds when I got home. I hope I don’t have to take the strong pain pill again. I had to take one this morning to quiet down the severe pain I was having.

My week is free again. Only appointment I have is with my psychiatrist on Friday. Kind of makes me lazy as I don’t have to get up and go places. It’s so easy to stay in bed or at home. I hope the weather is better tomorrow, least a little warmer. I should start reading the CBT book I have about suicide attempters. I have been carrying it around in my bag since I bought it. I think I might have read the introduction and that was it. It’s a clinical book so can be a little technical at times. But it’s not over my head, least I hope not. I have some clue about CBT, though it’s been ages since I read about it. I have another book that is about cognitive therapy that I want to get to some time this year. I am still reading Robert Lowell, so when I am done with that book, maybe I will go back to reading clinical material.