Tag: psychotherapy

How a grumpy day turned awesome!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

How a grumpy day turned awesome (skip to end if you don’t want the boring parts)

I woke up grumpy. I kept waking up at odd hours, mostly because I was afraid I was going to sleep through my alarm. When the alarm finally went off, I was not wanted to get out of bed but my bladder forced me too. I used the bathroom before I took my meds. There was no waiting. I guess I had been holding it for some time and it wanted to be emptied now. After I went, I brushed my teeth. It was only after I had rinsed my mouth I realized I still had to take my meds. Fuck. That meant water and it was too early for that. It would make me puke. I took them with powerade anyway.

I then got a text message saying the bus I needed to take was 20 minutes behind. I got two of them so fuck leaving in 45 minutes. I had to leave now, going a different way. I got dressed quickly. I went downstairs and gave my mother the check for tomorrow so she could go to the bank. I told her I would be home sometime in the afternoon and she said today in a demanding tone so I said no tomorrow in a sarcastic tone and she yelled at me. Fuck you and I left (I didn’t say that or I wouldn’t be typing right now. I went to the bus stop. I checked the bus app to see when one would be coming and it said a few minutes. I didn’t feel like putting my headphones on. I wanted coffee badly. When I got to the station, where I planned on getting my caffeination, it was closed. Just lovely. I got my pass for the month and went to catch the train. The train came and I had to get one another one to get to my stop. That train was heading back to Boston. Fucking fuck. A switcharoo this early in the morning?? UGH. I got on the train to go one stop. Then this Chinese lady raced for the elevator and I waited for the next one. It was full of people so I waited for them to exit. A guy came on before I did and nearly closed the door on me. WTF. I hoped the bus I had to take to PT would be coming soon and it did.

I had a half hour before my appointment so I went to Dunks and had their coffee. It was decent. I also had a sandwich to try and get me out of the grumpy mood. My hip was hurting me and I forgot my breakthrough meds. This was just great. Around 1030, I walked to the PT office building and waited for my PT after I checked in. She got me and asked how I was and I told her my hip was really bothering it, you aren’t touching it today. And if you tried, I will yell at you. She said okay. I told her I did my exercises yesterday and she was happy. I did about three clamshell before my hip said no more. I told her I think I had the pillow too high. She said try a lower pillow so I will. We did the exercises she gave me to make sure I was doing them right. Then she said she was going to do myofacial release and I got scared. I said I will yell at you if you hurt me. She then showed me what she was going to do on my left arm. I then told her, that huh, that was probably not a good arm and showed her the bruise my doorway gave me. She asked how I got it and I said I was attacked by my doorway! She laughed. She showed me what she was going to do on my good arm and I said okay but be careful. I had stuff to do today and didn’t want to be in more pain by the end of the day than I want to be. As she was doing it, she kept creeping up to the area that hurt and I said watch it. She said ok. She did it for a few minutes and then it was over. I didn’t feel any different. My hip still hurt the same. She then asked about appt and I made two more.

I missed the half past buses and had to wait nearly a half hour to get back to the station. My hip was not happy as I had to stand. I was doing everything, walking around, standing on a wall, shifting my weight, all the while cursing myself for forgetting my pain meds. I was listening to my country music. Finally the bus came but the only seat available was the one facing the buildings where my father used to live. I closed my eyes so memories wouldn’t come flooding back. I had to wait for the train. The time thing was wrong. I waited more than 1 minute for the train, maybe 5-8. I was standing so my hip was thrilled as well. I got on the train and took a grumpy selfie. I was so pissed. I still had to connect to another train line to get to my therapist’s office. I got to the connection and followed the sign to where I thought said Alewife. It turned out to be the other end. I was pissed. I went back upstairs and asked the train employee where to connect to the Alewife side of the red line. She showed me. More stairs. Fun!!! I wanted nothing more than 4 shots espresso at this point. I was very tempted to leave this train and walk to another station but knew that would kill me.

I got to the stop and the Starbucks was closed due to renovations. Just made my day that much greater!!! I went to a coffee shop I used to like and got an iced coffee that tasted like shit. It costed me nearly $5 so I drank it, but only about half of it. I didn’t want to get sick. I wrote in my journal about my day so far and what I hoped to talk to my therapist about. When it got close to appointment time, I used the bathroom and then packed up my stuff to go.

Therapy went okay. We talked about my mother being a bitch the past few days. He asked if I could move out and I said not unless rent suddenly became wicked cheap. He was curious to know where I lived so pulled up my address and Google had my house. Haha so weird. He said I was in the middle of nowhere. I said there were two bus lines I was near and one went to the Square where I connect to see you. He found that explanatory. Then I told him about my sodium levels. He told me about some antipsychotics that could be for mood disorders and I said those aren’t really being used solely for mood stabilizers. I then listed what I knew and the story of Tegretol and Trileptal, how they came to be. I also gave a story about how I told a resident how come they didn’t show in a tox screen, though I don’t remember which was qual and which was quant. I just knew just because you were on Trileptal, you weren’t going to get a level unless you ordered it as a sendout test.

So I decided to go to the place I wanted to order Chinese food rather than have it delivered. I was still grumpy. My mother called and I let it go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk to her, or to anyone really. Just let me listen to my music and leave me the fuck alone. So the bus finally came. I got to the stop where the food place was and they were closed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? I had to wait for another bus home. The bus driver was an asshole. He didn’t lower the bus so I could get on. I tripped and had to start again. Then after I waved my pass he didn’t wait till I was seated. I wear a fucking AFO brace. But I guess that doesn’t mean anything to anyone!! I am going to report him.

So past two days I have been getting UPS notification that a delivery is coming my way but I don’t recall ordering anything that had a UPS delivery. I was very perplexed. I come home finally, my belly growling, pissed off, with two packages for me. One was SE Hinton’s book that I ordered. The other was from Wiley. Odd. I don’t remember ordering a book from them. I get to my room. Open the package and it is this:

A little background. Someone 2-3 years ago were searching specifically for a citation that John Sommers-Flannagan had written and I wrote about in one of my papers on my blog. I made mention when I found out Dr. John was on Twitter. We have been in touch off and on. He post maybe 2 years ago he was looking for people to edit his coming book on counseling. I responding saying that I don’t have a professional degree but I have plenty of lived experience. He took a chance and I DM’d him my private email. He sent me a chapter and I read it/edit and gave my thoughts on it, etc. Then maybe a year ago he sent an email about acknowledgements. I wrote back to him with just my name as I didn’t have any credentials. (still no clue where the National Institute of Education came from). Today I got the book and it totally made my day!!! I am so fricken happy. I ordered my Chinese food while sending pics every where and to everyone! So that is how I got in the book.

long day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long day of doing nothing

My day kind of started around 0130 when loud thunderstorms woke me up. It took me a while to get back to sleep. Around 0330, I checked to see if my check had been deposited and it wasn’t. I checked again an hour later, nothing. I went back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I checked the pollen count to see if I needed an extra allegra. The count was low/medium so I didn’t take it. I just took my pain and BP meds. I had to pee really bad. My mother was in the fricken bathroom. Fuck. I didn’t have time to go down another flight to my sister’s apartment. I waited as long as I could then went the bathroom. I wanted to brush my teeth but my mother was washing up. Also trying to make conversation with me when I didn’t feel like talking. I figure I would brush later.

Went back to my room and checked my bank. The money was deposited. YAY. I ordered my groceries after removing some items as it somehow went up to $175. Yikes! I went on some kind of spree. It was like a ton of soda. No idea why I wanted practically every kind of coke zero Peapod had. Once the cart was down to a reasonable amount, I placed the order. I picked a Wednesday time. One thing knocked off my list. Then I put some cash on my Starbucks account. I then went back to sleep, even though I was hungry. I figure I would sleep for an hour and then order food. I slept for two hours and woke from a weird dream.

I ordered lunch. Then I listened to the radio as I read Harry Potter. I was listening via my phone. A message come through and wiped out the app. I just continued reading. Pain has been up and down all day. It kind of got worse around 1800. It would be three hours before my next dose of ER meds. I took the IR kind so that I wouldn’t be in much pain. I just got up to take my night meds and my ankle went berserk. All day my legs have been really sore. My calves do not want to be stretch out to walk. I really don’t know what to do about it. I did some PT exercises but my hip didn’t like it. It has been sore all weekend. I am not letting the PT touch it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I see PT in the morning and then have therapy in the afternoon, a two hour window, maybe two and a half. I have no idea when the next bus to the station will come after PT. Therapy is no where near PT. I have to do some traveling. I just hope that I have time to get to a Starbucks for java. I might get a mocha as a treat. I made sure I took my meds on time. Sox are off tonight so I won’t be tempted to be up late. I wanted to order Chinese food but I really don’t feel like waiting for it as it is getting late. I am still full from the sandwich I had around 1330. It was huge and I had yummy onion rings. If I am not too sore Wed, I will make my barber his chili cornbread that he likes. I bought some of the ingredients for it. I also got stuff for lemon pie. I am dying for something lemony. It is really simple. Graham cracker crust, lemon pudding, and topped with cool whip. YUM.

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

I woke up around 0330 in pain. Took me a while to get back to sleep. I think it was around 5 when I did. I woke up next because of my med alarm. I took them and then my bladder had to go. I went downstairs and it was already muggy. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like showering. I know I need one but I am just being lazy at this point. I went back up to my room and fell back to sleep. I set my alarm for noon so I wouldn’t sleep late. That was for waste as my dumbass cousin kept calling me. He must have called like four times. I let it go to voicemail. I stayed in bed until it was 1230 and then got dressed.

I went downstairs and put my shoes on when I realized I forgot my insulated cup. Oh well. I didn’t feel like going back upstairs for it. I grabbed by bag and then went out. My cousin was pulling up and my mother was getting out of the car. I started yelling at him for calling so many times. He said my mother had bags and I needed to help my mother out. What was wrong with him?? He has no problems with his legs. He is just a lazy fuck that refuses to go up one friggen flight of stairs. I walked away after he said that I should help my mother and he asked where I was going. Fuck you. I put Taylor Swift on my headphones and went to the bus stop. Bus came because I got the bus driver that likes gas. She drives fast and you better sit or brace yourself once you get on the bus or you’ll go flying.

I ordered my Starbucks. I wanted a cheese Danish but the store was out of them. I had a coffee cake instead. After I ate, I wrote in my journal for a bit, but was not too focused. My thoughts were all over the place, making it hard to write them down. I used the restroom and then left for my therapy appt.

I got there and he was running late. I had so much to talk about. I told him about my cousin and what he said. Then started talking about how my father has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been more than two years since his death yet I can practically remember every detail of the day he died and it plays at least unexpected times. I told him how I felt about not being able to do enough for him, but knew also, there was not much I could do to save a dying man. Even if I altered the DNR to get him fluids or other care, it wouldn’t benefit him. It might actually cause him more pain. We talked about how I felt about him and the abuse he did to me on so many levels. I nearly broke down at least three times but didn’t. I somehow kept the tears back. I don’t know how to process this. It sucks big time. He let me talk. He didn’t say too much. Told him how my uncle died, my father’s brother. I didn’t find out the truth about how he died until a few years ago, before my father died. I forgot who told me. It made sense to me though I didn’t say anything more about it to anyone. I was five when he died and really don’t remember him that well.

My therapist had to change our time for next week. So I have a double header next week. PT in the morning, therapy in the afternoon. Fun! I should be a fucking wreck physically. My mother called after therapy. I had just missed her call by a few minutes as my phone ringer was off. I called her back and she asked when I was going home. I told her I was on my way but it could be an hour or so depending on the bus. She said when I got home to tell my niece to come upstairs. I said okay.

The bus was late and I think something was wrong with the back doors as the driver had to get out of the bus to fix it or do something to it. I was hoping things went okay as we were a few stops away from where I was to get off. It would be a LONG walk if the bus was broken down. But whatever he did fixed the problem and I got off at my stop. I went to Walgreens to get some protein bars but the price went up. It was 2 for $3. Now it was 2 for $4. I didn’t have the other dollar and I wasn’t going to pay $2.49 for one. My friend told me I can sometimes get coupons for these things so I will check out the website she recommended.

I had dinner and then went up to my room to change. I was so tired. I was hungry again but thirsty too so I drank some powerade. I wanted to make some fried eggs and toast. That has been my kick the past few weeks. I took a shower instead. BAD MOVE. My back protested violently. I am still hurting. I had to shave my underarms so the extra standing just annoyed my back. My trimmer ran out of juice and had to be charged so it was the old fashioned way of razor and shaving cream. It took longer but was worth it. I then washed off in the shower until my back had enough. I think it was the fastest shower I ever took. Getting into my PJs was hard. My feet did not want to go through the pant legs. I was getting so annoyed. My back was ready to kill me. My legs are also hurting. My left thigh is beyond sore. I have one appointment tomorrow in the afternoon to see my PCP and then 4 days off of doing NOTHING. Least I hope so. My legs are going to need to rest.

hot and annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and annoyed

Temps were close to 90 today. I was annoyed most of the day. I called my mother to ask her if she needed anything while I was out. She said just look at the price of the eggs. Okay. I go downstairs and she wants me to go to the bank. If she said so when I called her, I would be able to go. Now it was too close to the bus schedule and it isn’t going to happen. I asked when the bank closes and she said 4. Sorry no can do. I won’t be home till after 4.

I went to Starbucks and had a sandwich and espresso. I had five shots as I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. Not really physical pain, but nerve pain, which is a different beast. I wrote while at Starbucks. Then I left for therapy. The train car I was on did not have air on. It was stuffy for the few stops I went. I reported it when I got off the train. I got to my therapy appt a half hour early. I just played with my phone until my therapist called me in.

I told him I would like to try twice a week. He said we can do it this week but then the next time won’t be until middle of July. He is going away after the fourth and won’t return until the third week, I think. I am okay with that. Hopefully but then my meds will be adjusted and PT will helped somewhat so I can make twice a week. We then talked about random stuff.

I left and walked to the station. Temp was higher but the humidity wasn’t bad as I thought it was. The train was delayed and I missed my connecting bus home. I had to go to another bus stop. I was careful on the walk home, avoiding that stupid ramp in the sidewalk that caused my ankle to flare Friday. By the time I walked in the door, I was sweating. The house was hotter than outside. I was kind of grumpy as I was hungry. My mother said what she was making and I told her I wasn’t hungry. She asked what did I say so I yelled I wasn’t hungry. Then she yelled back saying she wasn’t making it now (even though it was after 4PM, her dinner time). I got so annoyed. I just went upstairs and turned on the AC to cool down. My T-shirt was soaked. I used a towel to dry off. I didn’t feel like a shower as my ankle was acting up slightly.

I got a package and it was from China. I thought it was the ice genie I bought. It wasn’t. It was the Pride bracelet. I thought it was cool. I tried opening the clasp and it wouldn’t open. My mother tried and we used different things but it wouldn’t budge. I have no idea how to open it. I took some pics and sent it to a crafty friend. I also emailed the place I bought it from to see what the trick was. Hope my $25 didn’t go to waste or I want a refund.

I checked what the new schedule would be for the bus I take to PT. I will either be 45 minutes early or 10 minutes or more late. Great. I am looking into Uber. I don’t know how I am going to swing it as I don’t have extra cash during this month because of my bill pay mistake. I owe my mother money that she let me borrow to fix my account. I am still pissed. I never called them to argue because I hate conflict.

I took my night meds without problems. Weird because the past few nights I have had trouble swallowing them. I switched Powerades so maybe that was why. Fricken thunderstorm has taken my back out. Lovely. I can’t take my pain meds for another hour. I hate this shit. I really do. Hope I don’t have pain like I did last night. Sox are off so I hope to be asleep before midnight. Not sure what I will be doing after I finish this blog. Maybe read the new book I started yesterday. Or maybe try and read some Neverwhere. Neil Gaiman has another book out called how to talk to girl at parties. I thought it was a play or something and it is a book. I never know with him. I might get it, if it isn’t a graphic novel.