Tag: psychotherapy

So it ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So it ends…

I had my final session with my Bozo today. It was emotional for both of us. I didn’t think she was going to let it happen but she did and so we are done. After sixteen years and countless sessions. She said I have three file cabinet drawers. Makes sense. I wrote a lot over the years. I wrote her endless letters. Given her journals to hold. Books to read.

We talked a lot about the past and how we went through her different offices over the years. The good times and the shitty ones. I honestly don’t know who was more choked up her or me. I tried to hold it together. I still am trying to. It’s really hard to keep it together but I know if I fall apart, I probably won’t be able to pull myself together.

I meant to do some errands before my appointment but my ankle was bothering me. I woke up late and my sister said it was icy out so I stayed in. Then it warmed up to like 50 degrees so after therapy, I went to the post office and then to the store to get my half and half. Tomorrow is going to be a snow storm so I wanted to have it so I can make coffee. I then called my psychiatrist to check in with her. I told her what I pretty much just wrote about the session. I was sobbing by then and having a hard time controlling myself. She asked of I would be going to the hospital tomorrow and I said no. It will be a blizzard and I am not going out. Then she asked if I would come in tonight and I said no cause I haven’t packed a bag. I would be there all night and that would suck. Plus walking to the store did my ankle no favors. I see her Friday.

I’ll be getting my bears back. I am so sad at this. They have been a part of my therapist’s office for so long. My therapist took good care of them, like she did of me for so long. Until, well, I don’t know what happened. I still am trying to figure it out but I don’t think I ever will. I brought it up today and she gave me the song and dance about how I pointed things out to her in the blog that opened her eyes. Things that she couldn’t ignore. I keep replaying the last few months. We really didn’t have a therapeutic relationship as we just fought. Finally I said, let’s just end this and she was like okay. And today was the day we finally said goodbye.

A Good Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A good Sunday

It was my niece’s birthday party. She turns 21 on Tuesday but we had the party today. It was fun and I finally got to see my little cousin who is nine months old. My cousin’s girlfriend kept posting pictures of her and I was afraid I wasn’t going to see her until she had turned one as I don’t visit too often because of my pain levels. My pain wasn’t too bad today but after sitting for an hour or so, I needed to taking something for my leg pain.

Last night I video chatted with a dear friend of mine. It was fun. We talked for about an hour or so before her daughter needed a shower. Her daughter has autism needed help with showering. I was sort of multitasking because another friend of mine was texting me at the same time we were chatting after the shower. It was weird texting on my phone and then having a chat on my laptop.

Just killed a damn fruit fly that was buzzing in my room. I don’t know where the hell they come from as I don’t have any food in my room. Just pisses me off. I hate bugs!

I’m going to watch Schindler’s List tonight. I haven’t watch this movie since high school. It’s a very moving movie. I hope to god nothing like it occurs again. There was a Twitter account on Holocaust Remembrance Day that listed the names of about 600 or 900 people that came to the US as refugees in 1939. They were turned away from the US and were killed by the Nazis in their various camps. This account also listed the photo of the person, if it was available. I just find it really sad that the US did that to those people and are now doing it to Muslims. Of course, the Middle East countries that Trump has business connections to are excluded. Just pathetic.

I told my psychiatrist about my fear about changing my name and using gender dysphoria as a reason for my name change. She said I was being paranoid. I told her I didn’t want to be on some list later on that “hunted” me down for my TG issues. That part she kind of understood better. If there were better people in the high government, I might have gone forward in my transition this year but I am too scared to now. But it doesn’t matter because in a few weeks, I shall hopefully not exist anymore.

I texted my therapist and told her our next meeting will be our last. There will be no need to have three or four sessions as termination sessions because I just can’t go through with it. It’s too hard as it is to have a session with her without breaking down. We have tried to make this work for the past year and we just can’t. She won’t change her ways and it’s detrimental to my progress. Plain and simple, though on my blog it’s easier said than how it feels. My psychiatrist and a good friend want me to see someone else but I refuse for right now. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong so I don’t make the same mistakes with the new therapist, if I can find one. And besides, this blog has been more therapeutic to me than therapy so there’s that bonus.

Pain O’clock our has struck. My toes feel like they are being pounded on like a xylophone. I wonder what time I will get to bed tonight. Just really sucks because I was having a good day up until now. Now my night is filled with pain and I hope that I can control it. Or we’re going to have problems.

therapy disaster

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy disaster

I had therapy this afternoon. I’m still quite upset about it. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was hoping for the best but it didn’t work out. All I did was cry at the realization that we were going to at some point, terminate. She couldn’t say the word and I couldn’t think of it. She still wanted to be some kind of adjunctive therapy just so she could have her fix of me, to keep her in the loop of what is going on and such.

All the while I kept thinking, why is this happening? I asked her why we couldn’t do weekly sessions and she said she’d just go back to her “old ways”. I don’t care if it meant having someone to talk to regularly. Right now I have NO ONE! And it’s not a good place to be in.

Then I thought fuck it. I plan on ending my life soon and then who the fuck gives a shit about her. I have no crisis response plan in place because she isn’t my therapist anymore. I only have my psychiatrist. I had emailed her about what happened and she asked me if she plans on calling future therapists. I don’t care and went off a tirade of basically fuck this and that. I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t want to see her anymore and I am not. I will have one last session with the bozo (therapist) and that will be that. Her schedule will be too damn packed to see me again so I don’t have to worry about another damn session.

I cried for about an hour after session and still the tears are flowing. I have been trying to control them but it makes me so damn sad. My therapist told me she still loves me and cares about me. I think that just made things worse. I know she was crying during the session, too. I was so choked with emotion, I could barely talk. And when I did talk, I was choking back tears trying to be heard. I kept on trying to think of what it was my psychiatrist wanted to ask her but my mind went blank. I did ask her about the blogs and she said it was important that I wrote and shared them. Yea, so important that it broke us up.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, if it’s going anywhere. I am really depressed. Nothing I wanted to do today got done. I was just a lazy bastard. If I take a shower tonight, that will be a miracle. If not, my psychiatrist will have to deal with my stink when I see her tomorrow. I am sure she smelled worse though.

Therapy Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Troubles

I had talked with my psychiatrist about my therapist on Friday. She wanted me to reach out to her to try and see if our relationship could be salvageable. I left a voicemail message asking for a time to talk so we could work this out. I texted her this morning to check her voicemail and then around 1230, I get a text from her asking if I called any of the therapists she gave me. I fell apart. I felt she wasn’t hearing me, yet again. So I responded that I didn’t want another therapist, that SHE was my therapist and if we couldn’t work this out, to cancel our existing appointment. I’m done. I then cried for an hour waiting for a response that I still am waiting for.

While I was waiting, I emailed my psychiatrist will all this. I told her I would send another email if I got a response. I am so upset over this. I don’t understand why she (my therapist) just didn’t text me a time to talk to her when that is what I said in the voicemail. She never listens to me anymore.

I did a lot of things this morning. Then I went to Walgreens to get some things for my mother. Things were going well until the last block home. I wasn’t wearing my brace because it was a short distance walk. My ankle took advantage of the situation and decided it wasn’t going to work and cause me intense pain. I have been laid up ever since. Fucker. Then my asshole cousin calls me wanting to bring groceries up the stairs. Fuck you. He gave me the excuse he always does, his back was hurting him. He hung up on me and I called him back telling him I wasn’t doing it. He got mad and I didn’t give a shit. When he came, he didn’t do shit and made my niece help him bring the bags up. Asshole.

I finally changed my sheets today so when I go upstairs for the final time today, I will have clean sheets to sleep in. I am very tired. I had to take some pain pills to quiet my ankle down. I’m still waiting for it to quiet down. I tried to nap but lying down increased my pain and my thoughts were dwelling on my therapist so I couldn’t rest. This is the second week without therapy since my therapist has been back. I care but I don’t as I plan on going ahead with my plans. The only people that know of them are my psych and my friend.