Tag: psychotherapy
sad news from the home land and other things
Sad news from the home land and other things
I just got a text from my cousin who got a call from my cousin in Italy saying that my father’s surviving brother is not doing well. He just turned 94. I met him years ago when he came to America. A very gropy man with no shame. I hope he doesn’t die but his time might come. There will be no surviving family members when he goes. He is the last of the family to be living of 9 people. I am sad that he is not doing well. I hope he doesn’t go but I know that he is loved by all of us cousins.
I got a call from the pain clinic office. My appointment with the pain psychologist got moved to another psychologist at a later time the same day. I wanted to meet with the male psychologist because he wasn’t so true to CBT. This psychologist that I will be seeing is a CBT therapist. I already work with one so I don’t think it will work out. I am not liking CBT because it doesn’t allow for free association. I am having a hard time with therapy because not only is it virtual but I am attracted to my therapist a little bit. It is hard talking to her because I am afraid she will laugh at me and no matter how many times I try to overcome this fear, it never works out.
In my last session with my therapist, she said that I am not accepting my mental illness and it is harming me. She sees accepting it fully as wanting to change it. I don’t see it that way. I think I have accepted it and just think it is what it is. I honestly don’t see things changing but she has me do skills and meditation videos. I am supposed to do one meditation video per day until I see her next. I think I found one that I can do. I looked at YouTube for 5 minute ones. Yesterday I looked at this one when I was feeling down. It didn’t change anything but I felt calmer afterwards.
Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was a nice walk as it was gorgeous outside. I like this weather because it is easier to breath in. I am not so winded when I came home. I don’t know if it is because I was wearing a different mask or not. I had a Red Sox one that I washed and now it is missing. I am so mad about this. I had three masks and they are missing now. I don’t know what happened to them. I also had one that a friend made me and it is missing, too.
I need to take a shower one of these days. I have been so bad about taking them. Past few weeks I just been taking one per week. Most of the time I wait until I stink before I take one. Taking a shower is very exhausting for me and sometimes painful as my back can cramp up on me, forcing me to sit down a few times. I don’t like showering for this reason. I used to love taking a shower but now it is such a chore.
a rainy day of pain
A rainy day of pain
It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.
My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.
I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.
Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.
The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.
random thoughts 08102020
Random thoughts 08102020
I had therapy today and it got me more depressed. I felt like she was just placating me. It was a difficult session. I told her about crapping my pants and feeling ashamed about it but she didn’t say anything. I felt like she just dismisses my physical ailments because she doesn’t know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. She wants me to fucking talk but when I do, I am not validated in what I say. I just feel so depressed about the whole thing. I don’t know why I bother going to therapy or maybe I have the wrong therapist. I don’t know. I have been working with her for over a year now. She wants to just solve all the difficulties in my life with skills and I am sorry sometimes I just need to be heard not fix what I say.
We agreed I should write more and frankly, I am tired of trying to write because I get stuck often and it is difficult to continue writing. I often write something emotional and then have to stop writing because I get overwhelmed. Then I can’t go back to what I was writing. I get very frustrated with this. So I think my solution is to try and write a in a letter format. I think that if I try writing to someone, say my therapist, it might be easier. So if you should see a “Dear Therapist” post, know that it is just me trying to write my emotions better.
Took a shower today and it killed my back. I have been in agony since. It is so frustrating. Because my sister tested positive for Covid, I am having a virtual session of PT tomorrow. I am trapped in my house. I need to go food shopping again because we are out of ketchup. My cousin hasn’t called me to go and I am getting annoyed having to wait for him to call me. He said that if he felt like taking me he would call me so I guess he hasn’t felt like taking me because he hasn’t called. Fuck.
I’ve been in an irritable depressed mood since therapy. My mother and sister were arguing while I was in session and I just got depressed about it. They always seem to be arguing lately. I hate it when they argue because my mother gets so mad and I worry with her heart condition.
I am so exhausted because I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. I started falling asleep sitting up and stayed that way until I woke up with my neck hurting and then I laid down. I slept a couple of more hours before I woke up again to pee. I then stayed up for an hour or so before I went back to sleep only to wake up a couple of hours later. I gave up sleeping because I had my therapy appointment and I didn’t want to oversleep. I had coffee and that sort of woke me up a little bit. I tried a new Pop Tarts thing called crisps. It was okay but not filling. I will have a regular pop tart next time.
midnightdemons7 
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