Tag: reading

The tank is about to rupture!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, reading

The tank is about to rupture!

I have been reading “Dark Tide”, a book about the molasses flood in 1919 that occurred in Boston, since yesterday afternoon. I am at the part where the tank is about to collapse and 2.5 million gallons of molasses are to flood Boston’s historic North End. Apparently, after a shipment of warm molasses were delivered on cold molasses, gases erupted and I think that is what caused the collapse. I am just guessing as I haven’t read that far yet. But I am interested in it none the less.

I think I am going to lower my reading challenge goal to 23 books because that is what I can realistically read over the next three weeks of December, if I am able to read one book a week. Reading five just doesn’t seem to be realistic. I hate that I didn’t accomplish my goal of 40 books but there is always next year, if I don’t suffer a serious depression like I did this year. I think I am beginning to recover from it, though I am still feeling “weak” as if from a long drawn out physical illness that saps your strength. I don’t know if my suicidal tendencies will return or not. But then, I haven’t been in bone crushing pain the last two weeks that have driven me to the brink of suicide.

There is snow in the forecast so my ankle is being an asshole right now. I have been able to tolerate most of the pain today, better than I did yesterday. It’s just an annoying type of pain that digs into me and makes me want to tear my ankle off. Or at least give it a damn reason to hurt. I think it’s very unfair that after resting for hours, I wake up in the same kind of pain I went to bed with. I know this is mostly because my pain meds have worn off but give me some leeway for crying out loud! It used to be that resting my ankle actually brought it relief. Now, not even that works. How the hell am I supposed to combat this pain?? Just annoys the ever loving Christ out of me.

I got into a silly argument with my niece tonight. I texted her I loved her and she texted back that No, I love you. We went back and forth about how we loved one another, both saying no sah and silly things like that. I thought it was funny. I love my nieces and nephew more than anything. They really are my world. I wish sometimes they can hold me to this world when it’s dark and gray but the blinders are so damn heavy, I just don’t see their love for me, the true love they have for me. It’s different than the love I have with my therapist, though right now, that love is pretty shaky.

I was able to shower today. I was getting really stinky as it’s been days since my last one. It’s so hard to stick with a routine for one when your pain is so unpredictable. I try to take one every other day but that hasn’t been working out for me. I tend to wait until I have no choice or I have an appointment that requires me to go out. It’s easy with my therapist being on the phone because then I don’t have to be “clean”. But I can only do what I can do and if that means not showering for more than a couple days at a time, so be it.

random 467

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 467

I am getting hot and cold flashes. Right now I am boiling, probably because my mother turned the heat up as the temp is supposed to drop. I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan but I might be too cold after a while. I just took the blankets off and that helped.

I am tired and in pain but I am not sleepy. I read a chapter in the Lincoln book and was dismayed to learn that many people were scurrying to write biographies on Lincoln after his death, including his law partner Herndon. He so desperately wanted to write a book that he basically told untrue statements or hearsay. It got me thinking about all that I have read about Lincoln over the years and wonder if any of it is true. A lot of it says the same things so I am thinking some it must be true. But I wasn’t around during the time of Lincoln so who’s to say that anything is right or wrong.

My psychiatrist emailed me tonight, asking how I was doing. I told her how I was and how therapy was just becoming a chore rather than being helpful. I am resenting being in therapy with this idiot. And the sad part is, I don’t think things are going to change. I find it hard to believe that after all her years of training that she can’t help me anymore. It just kills me to know that after 15 years of working together it is coming to a close. I have never been in a long term therapeutic relationship before. It’s easy with my psychiatrist because she just doles out my medication and asks about side effects, as well as how I am doing briefly and then schedules me for another appointment. With therapy, it’s different. And it’s bugging me that I can’t do anything about it because it’s not me that needs changing this time.

I think tomorrow, I am going to play the question game with her. It’s a game I used to play with her when I was bored in therapy. She gets to ask any question and I have to answer it truthfully. There will be one drawback to playing tomorrow, and that is she can’t ask stupid questions that have to do with my suicidality, like “the one thing that will not make me suicidal anymore”. It’s a question that is on the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has to be a genuine question and not something from a questionnaire. Maybe then we can move on to something important and I won’t feel stuck.

My pain is manageable tonight, for once. I just needed one dose, so far, of pain meds and it seems to be working. I hope my level of pain stays where it is or at least gets lower rather than higher. That would be nice. It’s weird how some days I can tolerate my pain and other days, I want nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on my patience or maybe my depression levels. It might also have to do with hopelessness, but I am not sure about that. Usually, the pain has to be above my tolerance level for me to become hopeless. My PTSD symptoms are down as well. I am not anxious, thinking something disastrous is happening to my body because of my pain levels. Now if only I can get to sleep, I will be all set.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for most of the day. I had to shut it off because I couldn’t read after I took the pain meds. It was hard to concentrate and listen to music at the same time. Usually, I can do both but sometimes, when I take pain meds, it interrupts one or the other. I really want to finish this book this week so I can read something else. What that something is, I haven’t figured out yet. It might be a John Grisham book. Like Neil Gaiman’s books, I am collecting his books in my “to read” pile but have not read them. I realized tonight, that I am a book hoarder. I just have to have a book, whether I read it or not. I don’t know why this is. And now because I have a Kindle, I am collecting more books on the thing that I have not read yet. It’s sad. I have to read at least one Neil Gaiman book this month or at least by the end of January because he is coming out with a new book in Feb that I must have. I am hoping to get a signed copy of the book, which means going to a bookstore that I love. I hope to get another book I have been eyeing for a while called “American Philosophy”. It’s a novel that is out of my realm so I think it will be good to read, that is if I ever get the chance to. I need to devote more time to reading than I do but it is so damn hard with being on pain meds and the depression that sucks all the motivation and concentration out of you. I have 5 chapters left in the Lincoln book and I am determined to finish it this week. I hope to anyways. I must.

Lost in the Echo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost in the Echo

Well, my pain has intensified. The pain meds have helped but the physical pain has been replaced by neuropathic pain. I can’t win today. It’s way too early to take my night meds. I can take my Neurontin and hope to stop the burning pain that I am feeling. I don’t care if it makes me dopey. I got no where I need to be tonight. I just need to be extra careful if I should go back downstairs to use the bathroom or to eat something, should I get hungry.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling horrible. I was going to page her but then I started crying and would be inaudible as I have this mother of a cold. I was feeling better with it until I started crying. Now my nose is clogged up. I really hate being sick, but fortunately, I know it will pass. Unlike my damn foot pain. I told my psych I wanted to remove the offending metatarsals. But they are the major structures in the foot and it would be severely hard to walk without them. At this point, I don’t really fucking care. I just want the pain to stop.

I texted my therapist on what my plan was. I didn’t tell her it was off the table because the way I feel right now, I could do it and hope to choke on the pills before they try to kill me. Terrible way to die but at least it would accomplish the goal. I am a miserable fuck right now so please don’t judge me on these wild ideas. I am trying to distract myself with music and writing this blog while I still can before I succumb to sleep. Least I hope I will. Sometimes my meds knock me out and other times they keep me up. I never know what it is going to be. And it sucks. Usually during the day my meds make me tired and during the evening, they make me hyper. No rhyme or reason for this. It is just the way it works. I really think PTSD keeps me from sleeping at night because I get so racked up in anxiety it prevents the meds from making me drowsy.

I would have my therapist call me but that sometimes proves difficult as she has a busy schedule. I talk with the idiot tomorrow anyways. I am sure it’s going to be “fun”. I don’t know if she read the last couple of blogs I sent her. I hope she did because I think they are important and she always wants to know what is up. If she hasn’t read them, I give up. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. Lately, my blogs haven’t been long, winded ones so I don’t understand why she can’t read it. Then she’ll want me to read it to her and I torture her by saying no. My revenge.

I thought of writing something for my book. The Daily Word Prompts have given me some starting points but unfortunately, I don’t have my writing pad on my bed. I have been meaning to get it but not today. And it’s not risk extra pain to get it. Writing on a notepad helps me better than writing on a word doc. I don’t know why that is. I think it’s because I don’t get annoyed if I spell something wrong and have a red line under it. It stops the word flow because I have to change/fix it. Least after I have written something on my pad and then I am typing it up (providing I can read my handwriting clearly) I can edit or make changes as I go. Usually in a word doc, I don’t do that until I read it months later. Drives me crazy.

I feel like I am being punished by being in chronic pain. For what exactly, I haven’t figured that out yet. It could be all my swearing, not going to church, despising my father on his death bed. You name it. Being transgender. I read today the horrors of how homosexuals have been treated in the past and continue to be in certain countries. It makes me so sad yet so suicidal. I feel like I can never be who I am meant to be because of fear of not only being discriminated against but also be tortured for it.

I had ordered a DVD and it was supposed to be delivered today but there is some kind of delay. It’s a bummer because I really wanted to watch it. Now I think I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and break my tradition of just watching it near Christmas. There are a few movies that I have to watch around Christmas. The Grinch (cartoon version), A Christmas Carol, Home Alone, and It’s a Wonderful Life. I still would love to own the version of the Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. I haven’t been able to find it, yet. Not like I have looked really hard. Maybe I will get it as a birthday gift if I make it through the holidays without a hospitalization. I feel like going back to Netflix so I can watch some Friends shows. I canceled the subscription because I wasn’t on it all the time and I couldn’t justify one night a month watching it for the price. I rather read a book than watch a TV show or movie. Hence why I have so many damn books to read.

Which reminds me, I still have 7 books I need to read by the end of Dec. I’d read now but I am kind of dopey and my concentration is lax because of the medication. I really should try and sleep but I know if I do, I will be up all night and that won’t be good. Then I will be sleeping all day tomorrow. It won’t make for a good therapy session. I have 3 books I am actively reading. I just go from one to another each day, but I haven’t touched Dostoevsky since Sept I think. The book was annoying me because it just talks without going anywhere. I don’t know when I am going to finish it, but it certainly won’t be within the next month. There are too many chapters to read. The other books I am reading are interesting but my concentration varies. I try to read at least 2 chapters instead of one but it’s getting difficult with my pain being so damn painful. It makes me just want to hide under the covers and not do much else. Or just read Twitter or Facebook. Then I am really doing nothing. I feel bad about not reading because I have a shitload of time on my hands so it’s not like I don’t have time. It’s just getting to it that is the hard part.

Saturday Blog 69

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 69

I just finished cleaning both flights of stairs. I am going to rest a little bit before going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. While mopping the stairs, I got a splinter from the stupid mop. I’ll have to wait till it forces itself out because I can’t seem to grab it.

I am going to try and take it easy today and possibly read. I haven’t read or finished any books since last month. I have a month and a half to finish my reading challenge. I have so far read 18 books and my goal is 25. I am almost there. I really need to put some time into reading and lord knows I have the time. I just don’t have the motivation or inclination to read. I rather just goof off on Twitter and Facebook. I have to put the laptop down or I won’t be able to read.

I had just started a new book, Lincoln’s Boys. It’s about John Hay and John Nicholas both of whom were secretaries for Abraham Lincoln. If you ever watched the movie Lincoln and saw the pics of what the men really looked like, it’s uncanny. The resemblances are very stunning in my opinion. But then, most of the characters in the movie have some resemblance to their real life pictures. They really did a good job making it as real as possible. I really do love Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents. I have read more about him than any other president.

I have another book that I started reading last week but it’s kind of boring. It’s from my favorite author Lawrence Block and called Resume Speed. So far the book is okay but with Block you never know what is going to happen next. I have it on my Kindle and it’s a novella so it’s not that long. I just need to get going on reading. It would be nice to finish the challenge.

I got some decent night sleep last night. I did have a weird dream about shot guns and chasing people. I sort of know what it’s about but I don’t want to trigger my PTSD so I am not going to analyze it more than that. I hope my sleep pattern is back on course. I am going to try and not sleep during the day. It’s going to be hard because of the work I did with the stairs. Maybe I will go to the Square and get some espresso. I did have coffee when I got up but it’s not really doing anything for me. I might as well taken some sleeping pills. I feel really tired.

OSU is playing Maryland today. I don’t know who Nebraska is playing. I hope their QB is okay to play. He got a huge hit last week against OSU and was unconscious for a little while. It was scary. I really am not in the mood to watch football today. I really miss baseball. 87 days until it returns. That is a long time.

While I am at Walgreens, I am going to see if they have the eczema cream my eye doctor wants me to get. When I was there last, they did have it but it was a huge tube and it was like $13. I don’t need that big of a tube. I’d like a smaller one. They had one online that was around $8. I am going to see if they have a Walgreens version. I just need a little dab for under my eyes. If not, I will go to the Square to go to CVS. Or I might check Rite Aid. Think I will go there first before heading to the Square. I hate going to the Square on a Saturday because the buses can be unpredictable. And they run like every stinking hour. I will check to see if my mother has my money that I asked her to save for me. I’d like to get some pizza at the pizza place while I am out. I think I deserve it after all the work I did today.