Tag: recurrent major depression

therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.

Sunday Blog 18102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 18102020

I have been in pain most of the day. I made my breakfast and my back cramped up on me. No matter what the fuck I do, my back cramps up on me and I don’t know fucking why. I am so annoyed. I hope when I see the PT on Friday she can give me some answers. It is the middle of my back more than the lower back where I had surgery. I hate these cramps/spasms so much because I can’t do things. Even folding laundry my back was cramping. WTF.

I did my exercise today. I walked the length of the house four times as I brought my mother a cup of coffee before bringing my tea upstairs. By the last leg of the walk, guess what happened? My back cramped up! I am in agony right now and am contemplating taking an Ativan because the Zanaflex doesn’t seem to be working. I am so damn tired from it though, which is why I made some tea. It is tea from England, a Twining Everyday tea. It is really good. I still have my Yorkshire tea that I have not had in a while.

I just talked my mother into making grilled cheese for supper. I have been craving it the past few days. I would make it but I always seem to burn it. I don’t like burnt grilled cheese. My mother makes it better than I do anyways. I don’t know why that is. I got to watch her make it to find out her secret. I think she puts more cheese in it than I do.

I have been reading a book by Glennon Doyle. She is a gay author and a feminist. I am learning so much from this book. It is making me want to write a second memoir on feelings or something like that. My first memoir was good. I sold and continue to sell copies. I think more than 100 books have been bought, between Amazon and my personal signing. I haven’t written a book since 2016. That is a long time.

I see my surgeon this week and I am going to tell him about the spasms/cramps in my back. Maybe there is something he can suggest that I can do or take for it. I also see PT later this week. I have a jam packed week of appointments every day this week. Tomorrow is therapy, Tues is pain psychologist, Wed surgeon, Thurs Psychiatrist, and Fri PT. I am going to be tired. Luckily the only appointment I have to leave my house for is PT. The rest are virtual. I am nervous about seeing the pain psychologist because she isn’t the one I wanted to see. I wanted to see the guy because he isn’t heavily into CBT. I have sort of that with my therapist and I don’t like it like I thought I would. It is a lot of work.

Tomorrow I am going to bring up the last blog I wrote that was only 165 words. I started writing about my grief and things ended there. I couldn’t really go on writing so I just ended the blog there. I am not happy about it because it was so short, probably the shortest blog I have ever written. My therapist knows that when I feel powerful emotions I tend to stop. It is something to work on.

My ankle has been bothering me since around noon time today. It feels like someone is trying to stretch the fuck out of it. I just feel this pull on it. It hurts so bad. I took a pain med for it but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I have tried keeping it in the “L” position and that hasn’t helped either. No matter what position I have it in, it hurts. This is the umpteenth day in a row that my ankle has been hurting. Walking seems to temporarily stop the pain but soon as I am in a resting position the pain comes back. I can walk the length of my house but my back cramps up on me. I fucking hate being in pain every single day with either or both my ankle and back bothering me. It is getting me down and I don’t see getting out of it. It is making me feel hopeless. I hope the pain psychologist can help with some of this stuff, which is why I am seeing her. My only goal in seeing her would be to better cope mentally with physical pain. I just hope she doesn’t give me fricken DBT shit or I will lose my shit.

a rainy day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A rainy day of pain

It is cold and rainy today. My back has been cramping like crazy. I just gave in to meds that were better than the Zanaflex I was taking. I had to take a pain med because my ankle flared up. I don’t know why as I haven’t been on my feet that much. But I did manage a shower so maybe the water aggravated it. I don’t know what triggers the pain. If I did I would avoid doing it. I canceled PT for today because I didn’t feel up to it. I had therapy. I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts again. They have been passing thoughts, thankfully. None have stuck around long enough to do anything more than wish I was dead.

My therapist always asks what to do about helping me get better. She suggested I try meditation so I agreed to look for something that would work. She wants me to do one thing of it every day. She thinks that because I am not accepting of my illness that it is harming me. I don’t see how it can harm something that you don’t want to accept but then again, I have not fully accepted that I have a severe form of mental illness. There are parts of it that I do accept but it is hard. I have been dealing with this for more than 30 years. I have accepted that I need medication for my illness. I realized that back when I was 16. Doesn’t make it easy to take them sometimes though.

I can’t believe how much I am hurting today. I hope the way the weather is doesn’t hold that I can’t stand cold weather. I love the cold. But my body has not been so accepting of it in recent years. It gets worse with every winter. I just hope it is because of the rain my back has been cramping so damn much today. Even while laying down I have been hurting. Sucks.

Twitter has been difficult today because of the SCOTUS hearing. I don’t like the nominee and I think she will be very bad for women’s and LGBTQ rights, which is why Dufuss picked her. I bet he thought we could be fooled because she is a woman. I just hope the VP doesn’t cast the last vote like the other person. It will suck if that happens. It will all come down to the few Rs that like changing their minds last minute.

The other day I finally mailed in my ballot for the election. Now I don’t have to worry about going to the polls. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get the mail in ballot on time. I like that my mother voted this election because it was mail in. Usually she doesn’t vote. I think the turn out is going to be better in recent years because of the mail in option, least in my state anyways. I hate hearing that some ballots are being rejected because the person is POC. I hate that there is such voter suppression in certain states.