Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Blizzard on National Pi Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blizzard on National Pi Day

We got some snow this morning when I woke up in pain around 7. I went to the bathroom and then checked the conditions. It was barely snowing so I thought that was going to be it. I was wrong. Two hours later it was really coming down and the wind hasn’t stopped howling. We usually get a drift by our back door on our porch. Now it’s towards the wall as that is where the wind is pushing all the snow. Most of the shingles are covered in snow on that side of the house. It’s really cold and of course our heating system isn’t working right. My brother in law had to tinker with it so I am freezing in my room.

I haven’t been in a great mood most of the day. Suicide has been on my mind for some reason, though I don’t feel really depressed. I got a call from a therapist who referred me to another therapist. I will google her later. I am not up to searching for therapists. I have to get the spelling of her last name though so I might so a reverse lookup with the phone number he gave. He also didn’t specify what degree she was. Not that it really matters. You don’t need a PhD to be a good therapist.

My sister invited us down for dinner tonight. She is making lasagna. Not one of my favorite dishes but I will eat it to be polite. My mother is making a coffee cake and some asparagus. We have no idea how the asparagus came to us as she didn’t buy it. It was just put on the kitchen table. I know I didn’t buy it because I don’t buy vegetables. I always get yelled at because they are either poor quality or I spend too much for it. I have no idea what to look for when buying so I just leave it to my mother. She has to cook it anyways so better she buy it.

I took a nap after I had breakfast. I was dreaming about Richard Gere for some reason. If I was straight, I would be so after him. He is so handsome. But it wasn’t that kind of a dream. We were working together doing something though I don’t remember what. I woke up from the dream and wanted to make coffee. I was congested so was coughing up stuff and gagging on it. It was making my mother cold because I was just in a T-shirt. I didn’t care. It was cold in the kitchen and my brother in law was inspecting the heat. He says it’s on but it doesn’t feel like it is. The wind is making the house feel much colder.

Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow. I haven’t heard anything about my city. I won’t be too surprised because if Boston cancels, usually other cities and towns follows. It was good that not too many people were on the roads. The Lt. Governor showed a video of a semi wiping out on the Zakim Bridge. If there were cars in front of the trailer, they would have been smashed. It would have been a bad scene.

I have been following the Zero Suicide chat on Twitter that is going on in Missouri. One of my friends is tweeting about it and is being totally hysterical. It cheered me up some.

Despite having coffee, I still feel tired. My mother just called me to say that dinner is ready if I want to go down to my sister’s. I told her I would after I finish this blog. A lot of people have been reading my “Knackered” blog today and been commenting on it. It’s one of my most read blogs and I am very proud of it. It is also a chapter in my memoir, “Midnight Demon”. It makes me feel good to know that it helps people know that they are not alone with Cauda Equina Syndrome and its affects. I usually share my Facebook group or the website for the private Yahoo group. Some people prefer one or both to get support. I should probably create a support page but most people don’t read my pages unless it brings them to them via a search. Or they are just exploring my blog. I have a few CES pages up.

Random 115

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 115

I thought I would read for a little bit before bed to quiet my thoughts so I could sleep. I read for about two hours and when I finished the chapter, I wasn’t sleepy. I am wide awake and it’s taken me a while to settle down. So I am doing my writing thing to help my brain process what I read and hopefully sleep.

I am reading about Robert Lowell. He is an American writer/poet who suffers from severe manic-depression illness, otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. The author, Kay Redfield Jamison, hate the term bipolar so uses the more descriptive and old fashioned term, Manic-Depression. I feel for this guy because he was born at a time when there was really nothing that could be done for him, medication wise. Lithium was around but they were still learning its properties and there was nothing else. Thorazine was around but it helped to calm people down. It really didn’t help stabilize the individual suffering and it sure as hell didn’t help with the depression side of things.

I am glad this guy wasn’t prone to suicidal tendencies because he would have attempted and probably would have died by it. He had a long history of mental illness in his family line but no suicides. People in his line just died from “insanity”.

It got me thinking about my illness and how it can get really bad and go from bad to worse in a heartbeat. I have been dealing with pain most of the day. I haven’t taken my strong pain pill because I am coping okay with the intensity of the pain, even though it caused me a huge anxiety attack earlier. Man, it was terrible. I hate anxiety more than I do the depression. But my PTSD was set off because the pain was coming in spurts and it just triggered me. I knew I was okay and that I wasn’t being harmed. But I was still scared that something serious was wrong and I couldn’t shake that feeling. The more I thought about my pain, the more anxious I became. I was waiting for the Ativan to work but it’s slow. I have to wait at least 20-30 minutes and that is like a lifetime when your heart is pounding and you are thinking the world is coming to an end.

After my attack, I was thinking about what to do for next time. I am going to ask my psych if taking my blood pressure pill as a PRN would be good for the PTSD and anxiety. I have a BP monitor so I can check my BP so it doesn’t get too low. I don’t know if she will be agreeable to this idea, but I am tired of taking Ativan because I don’t want to become dependent on it. I already take at least 2 mg a day. I don’t want to take more and would like to take less.

I think one reason I am coping better with the pain is the increase in Zoloft two weeks ago. It wasn’t much, just 50 mg, but I can feel different in how I handle my pain. I don’t automatically think about suicide when the pain reaches top levels. I am able to think what can I do to relieve my pain and usually that means taking the strong pain pill a little more frequently than I have been. Granted between me being wicked inactive this week and just taking these meds, I have become really constipated. I haven’t gone since Tuesday and now I will need reinforcements to go. I started with fiber pills today. I took three pills. I will take two more in the morning. And just go from there. If I don’t go by tomorrow night, I will take miralax. I hate having to take all this stuff just to go, but you need to go. Luckily, I don’t feel that uncomfortable, yet. I guess that is a good thing when your nerves don’t work right. I have a friend that gets really uncomfortable if she doesn’t go every day. I’m glad I never had that problem. I am afraid of going though because I know it’s going to hurt and might cause a nerve pain attack. Those are the worse because there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait it out.

I started thinking about what I want to write next. I really don’t know. But I am thinking about it. I might try my hand at some fiction. But I am really bad with dialogue. I have been making mental notes when I read something. How it’s worded and where the quotes are placed. Stuff like that. I would like to take a class on it and I think the place I had that workshop did have a course on dialogue. Maybe I will look it up tomorrow. I am getting tired and an internet search might cause me to wake up. I hate it when I start getting on the computer and you have one thing in mind but get distracted by other things. Then you never do the thing you were suppose to do.

Later today, I need to go to the store and get Cocoa Pebbles. It’s my new favorite cereal. I go through phases with liking cereal. Some times it’s one brand over another for a while. Some times it’s two kinds that I like and will switch off on them, only because there is no room in the cupboard for two boxes. Then I will go through periods where I won’t have any cereal for a while. Nature Valley just came out with a new cereal and I might try that. I love granola. I just wish it wasn’t so expensive.

Saturday Blog 77

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Apparently, I wrote a blog early this morning. I vaguely remember writing it. I have been so out of it lately that it’s hard to remember things. I made my coffee and read my book for most of the day. I didn’t think a Kay Redfield Jamison book could annoy me but this one has. I hate it when authors go back and forth between date and years. That is my biggest pet peeve. She does it in this book and it really has me confused. I hope the whole book isn’t like this. It will drive me crazy.

I ordered Chinese for dinner. I had to order from a different place than last time because my mother didn’t like it. Then she complained about this place’s food. UGH. I can’t win with her. Eating the food has made me sleepy. I hope to catch a nap, if my ankle pain goes down a few notches. It crept up really bad around the time that I had to take my next dose of pain meds. I am hoping it will settle down soon. I really don’t want to break out the strong pain pill this early. I have been taking it nearly every day all week, at different times because the pain has been so damn bad. I am going to need a refill on it. If the doc asks me why, I will tell him the pain has been bad and I have been using it more because the regular pain meds just aren’t touching the severe pain I have been experiencing. I told him this the last time I saw him and I didn’t get a response.

I was able to finally shower today. I even brushed my teeth. I have been doing better with brushing but there are some days I forget or just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it because I don’t want another cavity.

My chest feel heavy. And I don’t think it’s a physical problem. I just feel weighed down with stuff. I still haven’t done much promoting for my book. I haven’t found a therapist. My psychiatrist hasn’t responded to the emails I sent her. The voices are getting riled up because they can. I have been better with the trilafon but sometimes the voices like to break through, especially when I am anxious or nervous about something. Lately it has been around my pain because it causes my anxiety/PTSD to go up. Plus this has been an anniversary week, which I am glad is over with.

The hit I took from my mother mocking me yesterday is still there. One of these days, I am going to snap back at her. I imagined having a conversation with her about being transgender but all the kept going through my head was her saying she doesn’t believe me and that I am not a boy. That will just about kill me to hear it out loud. I don’t think I would be able to handle it, not without a therapist in place. I know I could call my psychiatrist but my psych still thinks I am a girl, too. She hasn’t out right said it but I can tell when I bring it up she isn’t totally comfortable with it. And she still calls me my birth name when she calls me on the phone. It’s hard to get away from. I keep saying I will legally change it but the way things are right now, I don’t think it will be wise. I would rather die than go through some discriminatory process or worse. Plus with my paranoia surrounding it, I am terrified of being on some database to be locked up some where one day. Just makes me really suicidal.

I never made it to the post office today. It was very cold and icy this morning. I didn’t want to risk walking there and twisting my ankle. That would not be good. I’ll go Monday as that is the day before the next storm hits. Maybe I will even venture out to Starbucks and get my espresso drink. Hard to believe I have been in the house all damn week. I know I am going to be sore as hell once I start walking again.

I have been thinking of taking some baclofen in the morning. Trouble is that within a few hours, I get sleepy and dizzy from it and need to lie down. I think I might take half a pill and see if I can adjust. Maybe it will help the pain because the spasms that I feel aren’t doing me much good and I can’t keep taking Ativan all the time. My psych would flip if she knew how much I had been taking most of the week. I haven’t been overdosing or anything but one day, I was taking it like every 6 hours. I only know this because I would take it with my pain meds, not the strong one, the regular ones. I just wanted to sleep that day and was taking anything that would do the job. Pain has been really bad and it’s not helping my mood at all.

a tired blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A tired blog

Every morning this week, I have woken up in some kind of pain. It could be my toes, foot, ankle. Mostly it has been my ankle. I had to get up and take my blood pressure meds. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I am so aggravated. Some days, I will need my strong pain pill to get through the day. But I haven’t left the house in almost a week. I haven’t showered. I want to today. I need to. But I don’t know if I can. I just want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to do anything else.

I’m going to try and make coffee today. Maybe that will give me some motivation to do what I need to do. I am supposed to go to the post office to mail my former therapist her paperwork that she needs so that she can adjust my bill. I also sent her my new book as she hasn’t purchased it yet. I don’t think she knows how to, to be honest.

My settings on my word doc still are messed up. I tried googling them but all I got was what I am doing. How annoying. Then last night, my screen was making some kind of weird in and out colors. I hope my screen isn’t going like it did the last time. I don’t have money to fix or replace my computer. I know it’s old but it still does its job. I haven’t been on my laptop most of the week. I just have been using my phone or most things. One day, I was so “lazy”, I made a blog post from my phone because I didn’t want to log on to my laptop. I also have been staying off of Twitter as much as possible. If I tweet, I tweet and then I get off the app. There is so much shit going on between Trump and healthcare act, that it’s making me really sad. I honestly don’t know what the new healthcare act covers because there are a ton of shit it doesn’t. I don’t think the GOP thought of it at all. They just hated Obama so much they want to get rid of everything he did that was good for the US. Really sad.

I am really tired though I have a little energy. Maybe I will make some coffee if my mother leave the kitchen. I am not up for conversation. I want to make a bacon sandwich but it will be too much trouble. I really don’t have the energy level for that. I am going to order Chinese food today. I am going to order scallion pancakes because I forgot to order them last time. That is if my ankle will allow me to go down the stairs to get my order. That has been the biggest reason why I haven’t ordered food the past few days. I won’t be able to make it down the stairs. Being in chronic pain really sucks.

My friend’s birthday is coming up. I am thinking of taking him out to the Thai restaurant we always go to. It would be good to see him again. He is 80 years old. You wouldn’t tell as he looks to be about 60. He still gets around and is independent as one can be. I really love him as he is an intelligent fellow. He loves organ music. I have been thinking of writing his biography but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have never written a biography book before. It would be interesting and a learning experience.

I have been thinking of getting my hair cut again. It’s not too long or anything as it’s been about two to three weeks since my last cut. But I really would like to keep on top of it. I like it when it’s buzzed. I might get it done next week. I hope this tiredness and lack of motivation lifts by then.