Tag: schizoaffective disorder

had enough 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Had enough

Tonight I was brushing my teeth before bed and when I came back to my room, my ankle and back were screaming at me. It set off my frustration gears to suicide really fast. I can’t do this anymore. It’s one thing to battle with voices and shitty depressions, but to be in constant physical pain just wears you out. I am done.

I haven’t told anyone. I started ranting on Twitter and then someone responded with “do I have someone to talk to”. I responded with “why bother”? It’s not like someone can really help me. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was fed up. And then I started crying. I don’t know why. I guess my frustration got the better of me. Once the weather cools off some, I will go through with my plan. It’s not fool proof and there is a possibility of being rescued but I am hoping I choose the time of day where there is apt to be less people around.

I found out today that one of my neighbors died in her sleep. She was 89 years old. She had moved to a place that her son thought was safer for her and she died alone. I feel bad for her and her family.

Everyone is talking about the upcoming election and all I can think about is how I am not going to be around to not cast my vote. I hope to be gone by the time September comes around. Or maybe mid-September. I don’t know. I would do it tomorrow if the humidity wasn’t going to be 90. All I did was stand for less than five fucking minutes to brush my damn teeth. It had to be done because I forgot to brush them yesterday. My mouth was starting to feel like a sewer. Plus I had popcorn tonight and wanted to get the kernels out of my teeth. Unreal. I am just so upset. I could see if I did the second staircase today like I wanted to. Then that would be cause for me being sore, but I didn’t and I was well rested. I don’t understand how I can be in pain. I just don’t.

I hope my psychiatrist responds within the next couple of days. She is still on vacation so I know she is not going to respond right away. She might not respond at all. And I am so pissed my therapist didn’t call me. Sure, we are talking tomorrow, but I wanted to talk to her today. I left her a message saying to call me today. It really bothers me when she doesn’t because then I think she doesn’t care about me. And that hurts. If my psych was available right now I would be paging her.

I just don’t know what to do. I am hurting on so many levels despite taking my meds. I took my pain meds with my night meds tonight because I was hurting. That was at 2000, three hours ago. I am still in pain but not as bad. It’s like maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10. That kind of pain is my “normal”. But it’s annoying the crap out of me tonight. The throbbing is what drives me crazy. And it doesn’t help that my right hip hurts because I was standing for five fucking minutes brushing my teeth. I don’t know what to do with this pain because nothing makes it goes away. It comes and goes on its own.

I sincerely hope that come election in November I am a pile of dust somewhere in Massachusetts.

Starting the day off in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

Sunday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 17

We had two hot dogs left so I made them for lunch. This saved me from having to go to the grocery store to buy them. I woke up in the afternoon and badly needed coffee. I had that before the hot dogs. I am awake, for now. I think I might have a go at reading Adler today. I am feeling like I can tackle it. The game isn’t on till 1900 today. I thought it was on at 1600 but that is the Cubs game. Boo.

I woke up really early this morning that made me take strong pain meds and my regular meds as my ankle was just flaring up. It started acting up while I was waking up this afternoon but luckily the pain went down after I started doing stuff, which is odd because it never usually does. It usually hurts more when I try moving around.

I watched “My Summer Prince” last night. It was a good movie. Surprisingly, I stayed up the entire two hours to watch it. It was cute, funny, and romantic. Marina Sirtis was really good and so was my other favorite actress, Lauren Holly. I was tweeting throughout the movie and Lauren Holly liked one of the tweets. I was shocked. I saved the tweet on my phone.

I really need to shower today. It’s on my to do list. I think I will after dinner. I would have taken one last night but I was really tired after the movie. I didn’t want to wake up so I let it go.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I texted her early this morning. It’s also the last day Pearl Jam is performing at Fenway Park so I have been playing Pearl Jam all day. I love them.

The coffee buzz is wearing off so I think I will hop in the shower while I still have some energy. Otherwise, I might not take one till tomorrow.

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.