Tag: suicidality

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.

Saturday blog 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Woke up today in pain. Took some Ativan and went back to sleep after waiting a while for it to kick in. I played some computer games on Facebook. Right now I am listening to the Sox play.

I made French toast for the first time in a long while then I made my coffee. I finally have the right ratio to water/coffee to make it perfect. I really enjoy a good cup of coffee.

I am feeling down today. My cousin called me and wants to go out to eat tonight. I told him I would but I have a feeling he will be canceling on me. Any late dinners usually is canceled for some reason. He said that if he cancels he will give me a haircut Tuesday. I don’t get it. We’ll see what happens. Either way, my mother is making pork ribs so that will be good.

I hate feeling so low for no reason. I can blame my sox because they made 3 errors today but that wouldn’t be fair. Beside baseball usually makes me happy, whether they win or lose.

I know I should be editing my writing or at least, maybe, write something new. I have been getting the itch to write but I just can’t seem to scratch it. Nothing is coming to me. My writing partner is in town. We were supposed to meet up tomorrow but she had to reschedule. Now it seems Tuesday we will meet up. I am kind of nervous about it. I just hope that I remember to bring her my book. She is in the acknowledgement and without her, I doubt I would have the courage to write and publish.

I am getting a migraine. I am so tired. I should sleep some more but my head is just hurting too bad. My family is up north having a pig roast. They have one every 4th of July. I was thinking of going but it’s in the woods and I don’t want mosquitoes to bite me. Plus it’s an all day affair and I know I would be bored after an hour or two. Then I would be stuck there as there would be no way I could get back home as I don’t have a car.

A friend of mine from Scotland read my book. He wants to Skype with me but as much as I would like to say I am tech savvy, Skype eludes me, always has. I know I have it on my computer with the video cam but I have never used it. I feel self conscious about online video. I have image issues so even though someone might give me a compliment, I don’t believe them because my brain just tells me otherwise. I don’t say this to the person of course as it will just spark an argument.

I just turned off the ceiling fan as it’s a pretty cool day today. Finally have a rest after the storm that hit yesterday. Luckily, no power went out in my area. It is pretty windy today, probably just remnants of the storm.

I finally took a shower today after not taking on all week. I had no inclination on taking one because I just didn’t feel like it. It’s hard to take any self care when you feel like killing yourself.

4 July 2014

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

4 July 2014

I am feeling better than I was yesterday. I am a lot calmer and not so jittery. Course, I didn’t have coffee today. I was too lazy to clean out the French press. I really didn’t feel like having a cup of coffee today. I slept really late and usually when I do, it’s way past coffee time. If I do have a cup, I will be up all night and last night I was up till 3. I don’t want a repeat of that.

My text numbers are going to be up this month because I am back at getting notifications from the Wheatons. They make me laugh with the stuff they post and I missed hearing what is going on in their lives. Wil has the Wil Wheaton Project and beer brewing going on. I am hoping to get another bottle of Wootstout again because it has chocolate in it!! Last time I tried to get it, I got the very last bottle in the store. I also want to try the Stone brewing Company IPA. They rave a lot about it in their tweets. I am not a beer drinker. Hell, I don’t even know what an IPA is so it will be interesting to try.

Because it’s Friday and the weekend, I don’t have to have a session with my therapist today. I am happy for that. If she ever works on Fridays again, I am setting a limit with her, otherwise, I might end up meeting with her 5 days a week! NO, NO, NO!! Not going to happen. Luckily when she was working Fridays, I had something called work to keep me busy. Now I have nothing.

I talked with a fellow blogger friend last night that helped me calm down enough to get to sleep. I was having a really hard time as thoughts of suicide were rampant in my brain. Even as I woke up this morning, I had thoughts of killing myself. But for the first time ever, I also had visions of being saved. That is weird and never happened before.

My foot is still hurting me. I have resolved to take one pill a day until next week when I can fill my script. This sucks. I have been thinking about going back to the hospital next week but it won’t do me any good. I will just do what I want until they kick me out. I know what to say to get out and I know what to say to stay in, though lately, that has been elusive and doesn’t always work.

I see my pdoc on Monday and I hope my menses are gone by then. It seems I just had a little discharge and that was that. Nothing more has become of it. But this bugger can be tricky and it has fooled me before. It went away for a day and then I was bleeding lightly. I was so fucking annoyed. I still feel like I am on a precipice. If I get my menses, I am afraid it will kill me and if I don’t, I will feel relieved. Trouble is, I am on my last week of pills so the perfect time to skip a week would be now. But that is just inviting the heavens to open up to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I think I should skip the week and then be done with it. Maybe it won’t be so bad and I can handle it. But if the bleeding is bad and I can’t handle it, I am screwed. I already have been having cramps. Not bad or anything, but usually that is not a good sign either. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this that understands and can give me some advice. Next week is going to be tough, either way you look at it.

switch went off…and not in a good way

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Switch went off…and not in a good way

I feel better today but that is likely due to having my menses start. I am not happy about this though I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of the week. I guess you can say the hormone was shift into doomland and the second shift into the light. I swear if this develops into more than discharge, I am going to kill myself or maybe go into the hospital. I can’t, right now anyway, see myself not wearing boxers. The switch (aka menses) always seems to get me back to my senses every time. It kills me and I know as long as it happens, my life is in danger. I can’t be hospitalized because I never know it is because of a hormonal flux. There is no test for it. It usually lasts a few days to a week that I will be horribly suicidal. When I get that way, it hard getting me to try and stick around. My therapist knows to pull out all stops on me to keep me safe. I may act normally, even make plans for the future but I am really trying desperately trying to end my life. But as soon as that first drop of blood happens, poof, all suicidality disappears and all is “normal” again. It is the weirdest thing.

For some reason I cannot seem to read without my glasses on today. Everything appears small without them. Weird.

Apparently my pdoc and I got our times mixed up. Her midday and my midday are not the same. She wanted me to call her at noon while I thought around three. Oh well. We talked and chatted about what was going on. She wants me to call her if I change my mind about the hospital and I will see her on Monday. She said my blog was written “quite eloquently” and couldn’t see the reason why my therapist wanted her to read it. I think she missed the part of the skipping the abilify, which is good as she knows what I am doing. I am not psychotic but today. We did talk about the transgender stuff and the self hate that was fuelling my suicidality. I still wish I killed myself on Tuesday.

After the cup of nice coffee I had, I feel nervous in a bad way. It could just be that I am withdrawing. I haven’t had a pain medicine since last night. I am in pain now but it’s comfortable as it can be. I am not in agony and am trying to lay low as much as possible. I really don’t want to cause a pain flare up and have to take my other medication. I also realized I will be out of meds until NEXT Friday, at least. I won’t be able to fill the prescription until then. This is not going well for me. And I think I got to start taking the abilify as it is stressing me out and I don’t do well with stress. Stress ends up making me psychotic.

I think, if this weekend goes well, I might have the finances to get a script of my abilify. I am going to see if the prescription card my mother gave me works and if it does, then it might be lower than what I am paying now for it. I hope it is because otherwise I am screwed. Two meds, no three meds, I can’t live without, the OCP, pain meds, and the abilify, in that order. And right now, two of those are in jeopardy of running out and me not being able to afford paying for them. I am so screwed.

I called the junk yard as they left me a message this morning about my car. They want to give me $175 for it. YA, no thanks. My car is worth more than that when I saw an ad for Toyotas asking for $300. I just wish I had taken the damn number down to call them after they didn’t answer my email. So I am off looking for another junk place for my car. That will help some of my financial issues for the moment.