Tag: suicidality

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Suicide’s fall out, future planning

It has almost been a week since I last planned the end of my life. I didn’t go through with attempting because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to fail again so I held off. Now I am future planning with my hysterectomy surgery coming up and thinking about going to the weight clinic so I can lose weight to have top surgery. This is a big deal for me because it is living. Doing gender affirming things is making suicide less of an option.

My therapist was curious about my future planning. When she said that, I got scared. I told her about my realization last night about how suicide will be on the back burners should I opt to go to the weight clinic so I can have top surgery. It would be stupid to lose weight and kill myself. I never thought I would feel this way about life and wanting something from it because I have wanted to die for so long. I still want to die, especially after the day I have had today. I’ve been in pain and cathing hasn’t been easy today for some reason. I have cut down the hours to three to cath because the urge to go has been so strong when I cath it is like popping a water balloon and pee goes everywhere. I also have been in pain since 4am this morning. My aunts were over and my mother deadnamed me. This was right before therapy. I feel so bad about things. I hate my life.

I am scared about this future planning and being suicidal. I have lived a dual life where I was planning to end my life yet carrying on like I wasn’t. Now the opposite is happening and I know that there are stats that go against me. I am not saying that this forward thinking is going to prevent my suicidal thoughts from happening. I am slowly doing things that make me laugh and feel good. My therapist recommended I watch the show Community and although it is a stupid funny show, I enjoy watching it. It takes me out of my head. When I woke up at 4 this morning I watched an episode to try and settle things down so the pain meds would work and I could go back to sleep. My bladder had other plans though. It kept waking me up every couple of hours to be emptied. And this is without drinking any fluids.

Suicide has always been my go to option when I am feeling bad, really bad. Now that I am finding more options to things, I am needing it less. It feels really, really strange. Losing weight will be a huge challenge for me. I am not ready to face it. I have to get through my hysterectomy surgery first. Once I have recovered, I plan on going to the weight clinic to help me be the weight I want to be. Just hope that this new living plan that is forming doesn’t get derailed by suicidal thinking again. After all, suicide is always an option no matter how much living I do.

making phone calls and being on hold

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Making phone calls and being on hold

I got my new SIM card for my phones and put them in. Unfortunately, I am unable to install the new voicemail feature and it said to call a number. I did and was put on hold. I also called my service provider to take a line off my account and was put on hold. Catheter company called just as therapy was ending so when I returned the call I was on hold. Doesn’t anyone get this lucky when making phone calls? I wouldn’t mind but the catheter company had piano music that was so depressing. I could only bear it for so long and then I hung up to call again. Finally got through to someone at my cell provider and turns out all I needed to do was update the app. I was with the tech for just a minute after spending 20 on hold.

Today is my nephew’s birthday so we celebrated out in my backyard. I lasted a couple of hours before the heat got to me. I am so tired and because I was sitting, my ankle/foot is flared up. Going to be a while before it settles down before I am able to sleep. Veins are popping on my foot which isn’t a good sign. CRPS swells up really good. The Suicidal area on my ankle has flared up a few notches. My sister had me go downstairs to check on my mother. I wish I didn’t because now the pain is agony. Foot and ankle are screaming at me. And just like that I am in a suicidal spiral. The pain is causing me to feel so damn hopeless and I am trying to “ignore” it. I am trying to say it will pass and then I will be “fine”. But in this moment I wish I was dead. I just took my BT meds with Tylenol. Hopefully in an hour I will be feeling better.

I am listening to a song by Taylor Swift on repeat. I don’t know what it is about this song but I absolutely love it so much. The melody of the song just draws me in. As many times as I have heard this song I still do not know it word for word, yet. I am getting there with each repeat.

up early

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Up early

My day started around 530 because I had to use the bathroom. Little did I know it would turn out to be colon blow day. I must have gone to the bathroom three times already. I think I am done as usually three is the magic number of finishing emptying my bowels. I had coffee afterwards. I still have to brush my teeth. I didn’t do this yesterday. I meant to but never got around to it. I should shower today.

I am planning on going to the square as I have a few errands that need to be done. I want to get my lemonade flavor Gatorade at the store there. It seems to be the only place that sells it. I will also get some meat and chicken. My mother wants chicken wings so I will get a package as long as it isn’t too expensive. Last time it was like 15 bucks for a package. Ridiculous.

I went to BJ’s for food shopping. I used the rest of my food stamps for all the stuff I bought. My sister had to put in $25 more. I bought chicken wings, breast, fish, tuna fish, steak, and then little stuff for quick meals. I also bought my favorite ice cream. We didn’t go to the square so I did when we dropped the stuff off at the house. I took the bus and then I got a macchiato at Starbucks as well as a sandwich.

I am so tired. My back hurts. I just took a BT med and some Tylenol. My calf started cramping up when I was going up the hill to my house. I had just gone to the pharmacy to get my meds and the hill was too much. I was only three houses away from my house, too. Seems I did too much as my leg/ankle/foot just flared up on me. I am in so much pain. I spent $127 on food and I just want to eat ice cream for dinner. I think my mother is making supper. If not I am not eating. I am in too much pain to make something.

I haven’t heard back from my uro. I sent a message the day I got results of my urine culture. It still hurts when I pee. Today I had colon blow. My bowels just erupted. Luckily I had no accidents. I haven’t cathed today. I have been having good urges so been voiding on my own.

My sister made the fish I bought. It was good. I am going to have ice cream later once my pain is lower. It really flared up when I went downstairs and sat in a chair. I had to take an Ativan because my right calf and left foot cramped up at the same time. OMG was it painful! I am depressed that I am in so much pain. I am having suicidal thoughts but that is all that I am having. I sent my therapist a message that hopefully she will read before our appointment. I asked her if there was something that could alter the path of SI àplanning date as my thoughts sometimes have been going that way the last few times my pain has been bad. I just got a workbook by Kathryn Gordon PhD on suicidal thoughts workbook. It will take me a week to work through it to see if it will help me. I really, really need to make the time to go to Starbucks with my bag and journal and this book to read it until closing time. I will write a review blog when I finish it.

I’ve been down since July…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

I’ve been down since July…

Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.

It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!

I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.

I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.

Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.