Tag: suicidality

drifting off yet staying awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…

pain day nothing new

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain day nothing new

I woke up to my med alarm going off. I didn’t want to get up. I took my meds and needed to brush my teeth. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and then brush. My mother’s phone isn’t working so her visiting home providers are calling me to let me know when they are arriving. An occupational therapist left me a message saying she was going to be here around 1130 or so. I got up again to go back downstairs to let my mother know. When I came back to my room, I figure I would do the few errands I needed to do rather than go back to sleep.

It was cold out but I have a warm jacket and I was roasting by the time I got to the store. On the way home, I realized I forgot my keys. I had changed my wallet, which had a key inside so I was locked out. I had to ring the bell for my mother to open the door for me. She wasn’t happy. Oh well. I had bought us some buffalo wings for lunch. I made them after the therapist left.

My mother kept calling me about calling the phone company to fix her phone. I kept telling her they would text me when they would come out. Finally I got so pissed I called, and guess what, they aren’t coming out till tomorrow, like I told her! Then she decided to call some place and was put on hold. She wasn’t patient so after about 10 minutes she hung up. Only problem was the line was still open because the phone is broke. I kept checking and finally the lady had picked up. I gave my mother the phone so she could talk to her. Now she has a dial tone.

My foot acted up soon after I made my mother lunch around 1230 or so. I have been in moderate to severe pain since. It has made me depressed and I just feel like I want to fucking die. Like what is the point in living an existence anyway? I am so annoyed. We are getting some serious snow starting sometime tomorrow night into Thursday and then it’s the deep freeze again Friday. I cancelled my PT appt as I didn’t want to be out in a snow storm waiting for the bus. Friday I will need to go out because I have to see my psychiatrist. That is going to be fun! Just hope it isn’t icy or I will cancel. I don’t know when the “blizzard” will end but I am sure I will find out before Friday.

I have been craving Chinese food. I shouldn’t order it but I am going to. After the annoying day I’ve had, I think I should be rewarded. I haven’t had dinner yet as my mother just had leftovers. We still have the ham from Christmas. No thanks. My mother is waiting for it to become penicillin before she throws it away. I am not touching it.

I’m still having dizzy spells. I think I am going to skip my dose of the new med tonight. My mother is driving me to drink today. She just called me because she couldn’t get the TV on. She accidently keeps pressing the TV input button but is denying doing so. I have to go downstairs and fix it. Then I couldn’t get the damn remote to sync with the cable box and TV. I turn the TV on, cable box off. Tried again and the opposite would happen. I was getting so annoyed. Finally I just turned on the TV and manually turned on the cable box. I sent Comcast a message via twitter but they want me to DM them and I am too tired to go through bullshit. I’ll fix it tomorrow, I hope.

new year’s eve eve

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

New year’s eve eve

I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.

My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.

I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??

I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?

I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.