Tag: suicidality

cold dreary raw day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold dreary raw day

My groceries came earlier than the scheduled time. I was glad. I feel like shit and just wanted to rest. It’s cold and rainy out so I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I want to make my ribs but I don’t even have energy for that. I just feel so depressed today. I emailed my psychiatrist about things. I don’t think she will be able to do much for me. She wants me to go into the hospital but I don’t feel like bothering. I wish just wishing to die would work.

It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the ribs. I wish I had the energy to do it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and sleep. My bad ankle is acting up because of the weather. It doesn’t like the cold and it doesn’t like the rain/dampness. I feel so out of touch with reality, like things are moving in slow motion today. I was fine when I put my groceries away and now I just feel like a lump on a log, a sorry excuse for a human being.

I am in so much pain today that I can’t make myself something to eat. I told my psychiatrist this. She was willing to send EMS to my house to get me to the hospital. I told her I don’t want to go. They won’t help me. No one can really help me. I am just going through the motions of living, whatever that is. I don’t know why things are so bad today. I keep crying but I don’t have any emotions that are with it. I guess I am just frustrated. So damn frustrated that I am in pain and I don’t have any relief. Yes, I could take my pain meds but it won’t help my psychache at all, no matter how many I take.

I haven’t felt psychache this bad in months. I don’t know why today it’s hitting me so hard. It’s like a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I know I might feel better if I eat something. Sometimes low blood sugar can cause my emotions to be hundred time worse than what they really are. I just don’t have any motivation to get out of bed, turn the oven on, wait for it to preheat, take the ribs out of the package (a real hassle because you don’t want the BBQ sauce to get every where), and then put them on the pan. Too many spoons for one simple meal. I don’t need to make sides or anything, though I did think of making biscuits. I bought them a month ago. I hope they are still good. They are still in a can and you just bake them for like 20 minutes or so.

My Australian friend’s package has arrived today. I will ship it out tomorrow. There is no way I am doing it today. I will let him know it came and that I will ship it out soon. I feel so depleted today. I just want to sleep. I am going to try and make the ribs first. I need something to eat as I am hungry. I hope it makes me feel a little better afterwards.

ankle foot bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle foot bitch rant

I got thirsty so I reached for my water bottle. I didn’t move my ankle/foot at all but it was enough for my foot to explode in pain. I was seeing stars for about five minutes. I needed my strong pain pills. I took it quickly before the pain got worse. I had thrown on some thermal socks because my foot had gotten cold before this happen.

A little while later, my feet started to get really warm. So I took off the sock carefully as sometimes just the motion of taking it off can set off pain. Then I slammed my ankle down on my mattress without thinking and BAM! More fucking pain in my ankle now. I want to fucking die so damn bad. I am so frustrated.

The foot explosion caused me to have severe anxiety so I had to take Ativan to combat it. It took a while but my heart didn’t feel like it was going to leave my chest walls. I calmed down until the ankle exploded due to my carelessness. I must have place my ankle like that a thousand times and it never caused me such pain. Why tonight, I have no clue. I am in fucking agony and I want it to fucking end. I want to sleep. I took another strong pain pill and my regular pain pills. Fuck the consequences. I didn’t take more than the regular amount of each so I am NOT overdosing. I would NEVER do that because I am more afraid of Tylenol toxicity than I am of dying from narcotic overdose.

I joined a group on Facebook about chronic pain. One woman who also suffers from CRPS told me about Ketamine and how it helped her. There is one place in Massachusetts that does IV ketamine and it’s far from me. I don’t have a car so I doubt I can get to that place. Fucking A. I wouldn’t do it anyways as I don’t have a full blown case of CRPS, just the pain syndrome part.

I just had three pieces of my “extra” strong pain pills, Dove dark chocolate. It calms me down some. I relish the taste of the dark chocolate. I need to get more because I am running low. That will be an errand on Sunday. Tomorrow needs to be a day of rest or I will just be a wreck like I am tonight. I really wasn’t expected to be in this much pain tonight. I obviously did way too much walking and my ankle/foot did not like it one bit. I think the killer was making dinner. I really want another burger but it’s too late to cook and then I would have to clean up and I just don’t want to do that.

I emailed my psychiatrist about what went on because after my anxiety attack, I seriously thought about suicide. I wasn’t going to act on my feeling but the thoughts were strong. Then I started to think that I would be better off dead. I am such a loser. I know I have talked about killing myself for the last five years and have NOT made a single attempt despite my many plans. It pisses me off that I have not done so. The closest I came was taking a handful of my mood stabilizer one night, which lead to me being hospitalized a few days later. I am a moron. I should have ended things a long time ago yet I am still here to complain about it. What a loser I am.

snow came early so no cereal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snow came early so no cereal

The weatherman said that we were supposed to get snow tonight and it came around noon. Fuck. I should have left my house and went to the store to get my Cocoa Pebbles when I had the chance. I was up early this morning, around 0630 and fell back to sleep around 0900. It was sunny then.

My psychiatrist called me back late last night. She apologized as she meant to call me but there was no private space she could talk as she was in the ED all day. She doesn’t want me to feel discouraged about not finding a therapist and that she will find one for me. She also said not to give up. Sorry but I feel that way as I have no fucking luck with therapists. She also reschedule my appointment for today. I will see her on Monday. I had a feeling she was going to reschedule the appt.

When I got up, I had a ton of messages. Today is Transvisibility day so I came out on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I could come out to my mother so I can start my transition but I am too afraid of rejection by her that it might bring me to suicidal crisis. I got a ton of support from my Facebook friends. I haven’t had too many responses on Twitter, which isn’t unusual.

For those that know about Project Semicolon, the founder, Amy Bleuel, ended up dying by suicide last week. It has affected the entire suicide prevention community, including me. I wrote somethings on Twitter about how it affected me. I just wonder if the same fate is in my future. I have been suicidal a ton of times but luckily, I have not tried to attempt. I might have planned my death more than a few times but it gives me comfort more than a way out, so to speak. I told readers this and that if they didn’t know it, they should, especially if they were in the suicide prevention field. I usually don’t give out numbers because my blog is read internationally, but if you are in the US and have thoughts of suicide, you can talk to someone confidentially at 1-800-273-8255 or text the word “help” to 741741. I have used the Crisis text line more than once and find it helpful, once you get someone. Sometimes depending on the time of day, it’s difficult to reach someone but don’t give up. They usually get back to you, eventually.

I hate that I have to wait till Monday to talk to my psychiatrist because I am having trouble with my bladder. Since I have been using my strong pain meds more frequently, I have trouble urinating where starting is not so easy. It take a long while for me to know when I need to pee thanks to my nerve injury but the retention also makes me leak more which I don’t know about until I get the signal to pee and am in the bathroom. It upsets me because I will be wet and not feel it. I then have to shower or change my underwear because I don’t want to smell of urine. It’s just troubling me because it’s been going on all week and it’s been a few days since I last took a dose of strong pain meds. It could be the trilafon causing this as well as I have been on it for so long now. I’d just feel better if I had some input about it. My stream is okay and I am feeling like I do empty my bladder so I am not worried that I need to see a urologist but I might have to, which will suck. I know he will just tell me I have neurogenic bladder and to just deal with it. Not exactly reassuring.

feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

I was reading some old blogs from late 2015. It’s good to read them because half the time, I forget what I write after I have written. I came across a few blogs about my former therapist and how we were struggling, even then. The blog I read was about a session where her phone wasn’t working and we had to text mid session. She wanted me, even then, to see someone new, face to face. I just felt really down because I have still haven’t found anyone in the last two months. Not that I have been actively searching. In the blog, I wrote that I gave her a number for a center in my town. It will be difficult to get there. I knew the street it was on. Monday I am going to call. I also found another therapist down the road from me. He will be easier to get to than this center but it’s worth a shot.

I am feeling hopeless because I am in pain and it’s both psychological and physical. My ankle pain started around 1500 and is still going strong, despite taking my strong pain meds. Then I read this blog and it activated my psychache because I am missing my therapist. I feel like she has done me wrong yet she really hasn’t. I just became too much for her to handle. I probably will do the same to my psychiatrist one day, even though we have been seeing each other for a greater length of time.

I just feel so horrible and that I am never going to get on top of this pain that I feel, physically. Meds are failing me because I am so used to them now that they aren’t touching my pain. And because I have a new doctor, I don’t think he trusts me to go on a longer acting pain med or go up on my current meds. Each prescription that he writes has my psych diagnoses are on the script. I find this stigmatizing because I am not on pain medication because of my mental illness. I had mental illness long before I had chronic pain.

I am having a hard time managing things right now. I am thinking of ending things but I can’t really go through with it. I just don’t have the time, least today, to take a bottle of pills. My heart is aching me deep inside. It is panging with the loss of my therapist of sixteen years. I want to end my suffering. I don’t have a noose or a firearm to end things quickly.

I have been suicidal most of my life. I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. Warmer weather is coming. Maybe I will go through with the plan to end things at my sacred place. I will drag my leg if I have to get there. Or maybe take a cab. I don’t know. I am in pain and suicide always enter my mind when it reaches a certain level and dealing with psychache doesn’t help the suicidality. I need rest from pain. I need cessation. I need oblivion. I need to die.