TS and TR

TS and TR

I wanted to listen to new Thomas Rhett with new Taylor Swift but I just screwed up the playlist by adding ALL of TR’s songs rather than the few I wanted. UGH I hate when that happens!

I haven’t been feeling good today. My throat has been bothering me so I have been taking huge amounts of vitamin D as I was exposed to a viral illness thanks to the therapist. She was so sick when I saw her Thursday. I hope she feels better next week. I spent nearly the entire day out as I had therapy and then I had to see my pcp. I was in such a depressed mood. I still am. I don’t want to do shit. I just been drinking ensure If I ate anything yesterday, I don’t remember what it was. I was so dead from being out so long Thursday. I had really bad pain most of the day today. Foot feels like it is ready to cramp at any moment. It is has been torture for most of the day. I keep waking up every few hours to pee. I think the UTI cleared up but now is coming back. I hope I am wrong. I have been trying to stay up on fluids but I just want to fucking sleep.

The therapist and I talked about texting. She put it as a boundary as I was texting too much. I respected it. I guess she expected me to flip out or something. And when I didn’t she was taken aback. I am an adult. You impose a boundary, I will respect it. I told her that she makes me afraid and I couldn’t say why she did. Thursday wasn’t a good day for me cognitively because my brain was still dealing with the hydroxyzine and gabapentin that I took the night before. It was like I had the reason why she scared me so one minute and the next, nothing. I felt like it was silly so I was able to avoid it as the therapist tried several times to get me to talk but I just couldn’t. I just wasn’t there. I never asked her about my diagnosis. We spent so much time talking about the texting. I can’t text her unless it is appointment related. There was a question of if I felt like my suicidality was getting worse but she said that shouldn’t be sent in a text message either. But if text is the ONLY way I have to reach her, how else am I going to call her? I just left it in the air. I wouldn’t contact her anyway if I was in crisis again. I will just go through with it.

There are so many smells coming in my room. Some of the perfume my sister and her daughter uses and the colognes my nephew uses. I also smell broccoli so I don’t know what is going on. I hate scents.

I am feeling depressed for some reason right now. I want to sleep but can’t seem to. It’s only 2130. Hope tomorrow I can do something in my room. Monday is my godmother’s birthday. I am not sure if we will be going down to see her or not. She will be 95. She is not doing so well as she stopped eating nearly 4 weeks ago. My cousin said that she is still drinking some but not a whole lot. I just hope she passes quietly in her sleep.

in honor of Highway Don’t Care going 2x Platinum…

hi all,

Time McGraw, one of my favorite country artists, posted today about highway don’t care going 2x platinum. I thought I would share this powerful video. It makes me cry every time I see it. It was a public service announcement to don’t text and drive. It can wait.

Hope you all enjoy it. Taylor Swift and Keith Urban is also in it, who are also my favorite artists.

It’s My Favorite Artist’s Birthday

It’s My Favorite Artist’s Birthday

It’s Taylor Swift’s birthday! She is 26. I wished her Happy Birthday on two different social media platforms today. She is one of my favorite artists. I can listen to her song, Love Story all day and not get tired of it. The same with her album 1989, which I am currently listening to.

It’s funny because when I was that age, I could have sworn I was 25 again. My 25th year was not very kind to me. I got the dreaded condition known as CES (cauda equina syndrome), and I didn’t know if I would ever walk again, unassisted. I felt like I lost a year because of this syndrome. And now, almost 15 years later, I might be facing it again.

My pain levels have dropped and my right leg is no longer hurting me. But I am not destined to have a pain free day because my left thigh has decided it is going to hurt today as well. I just cannot win. The pain isn’t too bad, it just hurts. I kind of wish I did something so I can say that I did such and such to make it hurt but I did nothing. I just was sitting on my bed, playing on my laptop when the twitching started and then it was sore the next day. Now this soreness continues. I am going to try and call my PCP’s office tomorrow and see if the neurosurgeon got back to my PCP. If not, I will call my neurosurgeon and see if I can make an appointment. I really like this guy. He is nice and very caring, which is rare in the surgeon world. My surgeon before him had the bedside manner of a peapod. I didn’t like him at all. But it was an emergency situation so I didn’t choose this moron. I didn’t choose the second one either (nice surgeon). My PCP got him because he was on call. I lucked out because he was rated top pediatric neurosurgeon in the country. I know I am no longer a pediatric patient but I still want him as my doc. We’ll see tomorrow. I just hope the guy isn’t on vacation.

I will never buy Stop and Shop protein bars again. They definitely were not what I was expecting. It was a granola bar with chocolate packed with nuts. I was looking for something like PowerBar Protein bars where you have chocolate and the inside is peanut butter (or some other protein packed filling). I felt like I was eating a candy bar. A Yodel would have been better and more filling. I am so disappointed.

I have to read my Lincoln book at some point today. I feel like if I don’t read a book every day, I am just wasting my time during the day. Even if I just read a few pages, that is all that I want to do. But I have a pile of books to read, especially on Kindle. I really want to finish American Gods so I can get back to Dostoevsky. I want to read Brothers Karamazov. I got a collection of Dostoevsky’s works for like 2.99 months ago and I haven’t touched the collection since then. Every one on Twitter was talking about American Gods so I got that book. The book is creepy and has a lot of sex scenes. It’s definitely not children’s material like I thought it was. I also have a two John Grisham books (one on Kindle, the other a hard cover) that I haven’t read. I was a very avid Grisham reader until I lost interest in books for a while. I thought he stopped writing but when I was at work, a friend of mine was reading a book that I didn’t read and I found a LOT of new books by him. The last book I remember reading from him was Skipping Christmas. That was a fun book. It was the first non-lawyer book that he wrote. I really enjoy his writing.

I haven’t done anything to do with hygiene today. I haven’t showered in days and I didn’t brush my teeth today. I was going to this morning but told myself I would do it “later”. “Later” still hasn’t come yet. My mother is taking a shower so I think she is going out tonight. I think it’s my cousin’s birthday. I never get invited and even if I did, I usually don’t go so it’s okay. I might take a shower later tonight before I go to bed.

My Saving Grace

Figured I would start writing and see where it leads me. My mood is still awful, though not really suicidally awful. It has tampered down from the other night. I am in pain tonight, which is clouding my judgment on things. I want to attempt but I am afraid that I will bail. I see my psychiatrist in two days, well, one day now that it is almost Thursday. My therapist is full so I won’t be talking to her, unless she has a cancelation. I don’t know why I am having these thoughts and they always seem to happen at this hour. It is so peculiar. During the day, I have fleeting thoughts of self-destruction but at night, the feelings intensify. I know I am tired and most likely vulnerable, but I also want to sleep and cannot.

I just finished a chapter in the “Idiot” and am so confused. I know someone is going to die soon. I just don’t know who it is going to be. I also know that the main character Myshkin is going to have another fit. I just don’t remember when it will be.

I am listening to Taylor Swift. I find that listening to her when I am in this kind of mood temporarily lifts my spirits. Her music is my saving grace. I started off the playlist with “Love Story”, which is my #1 favorite song of hers. I don’t know why her music lifts me up. Most of her song are definitely upbeat, especially her latest album, 1989. But I love her as a person. I can’t love her more than that because, well, it would be weird with the age difference and all. I am more than a decade older than her. And she is straight, so it wouldn’t work even if it could.

I know since she has left country and went pop, there seems to be less woman on country radio. There is a huge populace of male artists/groups. Where are the women of country?? Sara Evans, Jo Dee Messina, Mary Chapin Carpenter (long gone I know), even Carrie Underwood. For every male song out there, there seems to be less female songs. It’s just sad that the men have overtaken the radio waves.

I still have been thinking about sending my sister a message about the TG stuff. I just need to get out of this funk of depression. Otherwise, I might try to take my life before anyone knows what for. I just really am vulnerable right now. The slightest thing that goes wrong, I fear I might do what I have been thinking about. I don’t need to be in the hospital. It would be pointless and besides, I would get discharged without any treatment. The most they would do is drug me up and then send me home. That is not what I need. I tried to extend my stay the last time I was in, and it was not a good experience. I really don’t want to repeat it. It has been almost a year since I have been in the hospital. And besides, with me having to pick up my niece the next week and half, I really can’t be in the hospital. I hate being in the hospital because it always messes up my med schedule. You have to take them when THEY say you do, not when I want to take them. So it I take my meds at 2100, I can’t take them at that time. It has to be before that time. Or if I want to take them at 1900, I can’t take them until 2000. It just sucks. And the amount of pills they give you is way more than what I take I home. For example, they break up my BP meds so I am taking four pills instead of one. It drives me nuts!! I am at the med counter for at least twenty minutes because I am throwing back like 20 pills when I take half that at home. That is one of the reasons I don’t want to go back to the hospital.

I read an interesting blog today. It was a letter to a “friend” and it was signed “nervous wreck”. Here is the blog: https://talkingthisandthat.wordpress.com/2015/06/02/a-letter-of-regret-from-your-anxious-and-depressed-friend/ . it is an interesting letter and I like it a lot. It is kind of like the spoons blog but this is for mentally disabled people.

I am sort of glad I have an appointment with a NP next week. I think I have a lump under my armpit. I don’t know what that means. But I know it can’t be good. I probably won’t do anything about it if it is a lump. Free cancer, I will take it if it gets me to the grave faster.