Tag: tethered cord

bad day becomes bad night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad day becomess bad night

I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.

I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.

Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.

in a bad mood today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

In a bad mood today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 5 to pee and had a hell of a time trying to get back to sleep. Then my med alarm went off and I was cursing everything and their mother. I forgot to take my meds which probably made my sour mood more sour. I waited for the PT to come. My mother had the new dryer delivered today and the PT came about twenty minutes later. I was exhausted after I did the exercises. She had me do laps around the house and that made me more tired. I wanted to shower and possibly shave today but I don’t think that is going to happen. I am too grumpy and in pain to do either of those things.

I know I got a UTI. All day I have been peeing every 1-2 hours and it hurts really bad to pee. Sometimes there is blood. I have to wait another 24 hours for culture to come back. I hope I get it by the afternoon so I can message the doc if I need to. I think I am in a bad mood because I don’t feel good. Everything is bothering me today. I was able to nap for about a half hour until my phone’s email alert sounded. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I should have put my phone on silent. I got up after I answered the email to make some lunch. My sister did buy me the steak I asked her to get for me even though she gave me a hard time about it. It was a huge piece that I had to cut in half. It was good but I didn’t cook it through enough. I need to get my radar gun to get the temp of the steak when I make it tomorrow. My mother wanted me to do the dishes afterwards. I told her I couldn’t stand to do it and then she was like just be a yoyo and sit and stand. Fuck that. That takes more energy and I don’t have it. She can wash my one dish and pan. I am still recovering from surgery and the only reason she said something was because the tyrant said something to her about it. I really can’t believe how much of a bitch my sister is. We got along better before she moved in. Here it is a year later and we still get on each other’s nerves. I just stay in my room, only leaving to eat or use the bathroom. I could see if I was more than a month out of surgery but I am not. It is only 3 weeks and I am not supposed to be standing for very long. I can’t be a yoyo and refuse to be. I am not going to strain myself over a stupid pan and dish after I cooked a meal. They can leave it if they don’t want to do it and maybe I will do it if I feel up to it.

I don’t have anyone coming tomorrow and I don’t have to do anything except possibly get my prescription of antibiotics. I really feel like crap and I hate it. I really hate being sick and run down. I need another nap. I am so exhausted from cooking and the PT. She had me go up and down stairs which added to the fatigue. My ankle flared up when I got in bed after I cooked. It didn’t like me pushing off to get into bed. I have been in agony since. I took my pain meds and some Tylenol because I have a headache. I woke up with a stupid headache this morning. It goes away then comes back. I hope it isn’t because I have a leak again. I don’t want to go back on steroids. I gained nearly 7 pounds since coming off them. I need to lose 25 pounds now for me to have top surgery. I don’t think it will be this year. The back surgery is enough for me. Plus I know I won’t get help while I recover so I am not going to rush into it.

I need to shave as my beard is all scraggly. Maybe I will trim it so that it is neat. I have the clippers to do it. I just don’t have the stamina to stand while shaving and then shower afterwards. Mornings seem to be better for me to do stuff so if I get up early, I can possibly do this task. That will be my goal for tomorrow.

rainy Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Wednesday

I got up at my normal time. I don’t remember if I had breakfast or not. I think I just had a cup of tea that my friend in the UK sent me. It was delicious. I really enjoyed it. I then set off to go to the hospital to drop off a urine specimen to see if I have an infection or not. It was weird because the bus was restricted to just the rear doors. You couldn’t pay your fare as the driver was blocked off. I had my walker and it was okay getting on and off the bus. I did have to pay for the trains. I had money on my card so I wasn’t worried. I then made my way to where I had to go for the lab. I had trouble getting the urine in the cup. I didn’t ask for a hat so some of the urine went to waste as I didn’t catch it all. I was pretty tired by the time I got to the hospital but I trudged on. Getting home was easier. I was really exhausted by the time I got home. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I started dozing off and almost fell off my bed. I leaned over a little too far and nearly fell. That was when I decided to lay down for a proper nap. Soon as I got settled, the results of my test came through. It does look like I have an infection. I need to wait two days for the culture to come back. I sent a message to my uro and then I crashed for a couple of hours.

It felt good to nap as my back and ankle were screaming at me. I had taken a breakthrough med and some Zanaflex for the spasms in my back. I didn’t want to take Ativan as that would really knock me out. I won’t be going back out again, unless it is to the pharmacy to pick up my medication, when the culture comes back. I have one prescription that needs to be picked up but it can wait till tomorrow. I will pick it up after PT if I am feeling up to it. Last time PT made me really tired and I needed a nap. She is going to be here between 1030 and 11 so I need to make sure I have eaten before she gets here and also have my coffee. I haven’t heard from the OT person and hope I don’t. I think she tried calling me last night but I ignored the call. No message was left though so I don’t know if it was her or not. I didn’t receive any phone calls today.

tiring Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tiring Tuesday

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up to pee. I couldn’t get back to sleep after I peed. When I did, it was only for an hour or so. I had an appointment with my TG doc today. I was planning on going out but after my shower, the energy levels went south and I stayed home. The appointment was via the phone so I didn’t have to be anywhere. The appointment went well. She said my T level was low for a trough but because of my sweating and acne, she didn’t want to increase the dose. I am okay with that. She called in a new script for T and said I could see her in a year. I am to have blood work done before the appointment. I hope things are back to some kind of normal by then.

I did some journal writing this afternoon. I wanted to write about the appointment and some other stuff as it has been a while since I last wrote in it. I don’t think I wrote in it since the first week I came home from the hospital.

I took out my gravy for dinner. I didn’t know I would be the one making dinner. My mother didn’t want to make it because her back was hurting her. I nearly collapsed after the pasta was done. I am so tired right now that it is hard not to just shut off this laptop and go to sleep. I didn’t do the dishes. There was no way I was going to do that. My mother cleared the table after I finished. I was so wiped out. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to rest. I hope I don’t have problems sleeping tonight. I also hope to stay asleep through the night. Waking up at 3 am is not fun. Just throws me off for the entire day.

Tomorrow I plan on going into Boston to give a urine specimen. I need to find out if I have an infection or not. I am glad the urge to pee has settled down some. I hope it is because of the bladder medication I have been taking. I know that this medication increases constipation and I didn’t want to take it but the uro said it could help so I am taking it. I just got to keep up with taking the other medication for the bowels. I now have to keep track of the time between voids/cathing. It is a pain in the ass. I also got to keep track of the last time I had a bowel movement. The B&Bs always needs to be in the back of my mind. I hate that I need to consciously keep track of them. Because the moment I don’t keep track, things get fucked up.

I got a get well card from a friend in the UK. She sent me a bag of Yorkshire tea so I will be having it tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to try it. I was very happy to get a card from my friend. It means so much to me. She is a very good friend. I have known her for years. If I ever get to the UK, it will be a long trip to see all of my friends that are scattered throughout the country.