Tag: therapy

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

A remembrance of the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I read a blog today that really hit home and made me think. It was about a person that wrote about her experience of attempting suicide eight years ago this month. I also have an attempt anniversary this month, actually in a few days time it will be 21 years ago that I first attempted suicide with diphenhydramine, also known as Benedryl. I remember that it was a month after my then therapist told me she was leaving. I thought fine, so will I. I planned my death on a day I knew my family would not be home and took the pills. What I didn’t account for was puking, violently. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I still remember my eyes being dilated for almost a week afterwards. I was pretty mad and I felt like a failure, a huge one. Probably the biggest one on the planet at that point. Here I was, a very intelligent teenager who couldn’t kill himself right. I sunk into the worse depression after that. Actually, I had no idea I could sink worse than what I already felt but I did. I began losing weight, lost my appetite almost completely. I was sixteen years old and all I thought about was death. I was not sleeping. I would wake up at four in the morning nearly every day and couldn’t go back to sleep. I would wake up dreading the world, not wanting to go to my summer job but I had to. I couldn’t show that I was depressed. My mother had already freaked out when she found out I had overdosed thanks to the said therapist who told her after I told her what I had done. I didn’t know what to do. I think after several weeks of this and it just getting worse and worse I called Samaritans and talked with them about my situation. The person told me that I should be in the hospital and I contemplated that. I waited a few more days to see if things would get better and when I couldn’t take anymore, I told my mother I needed help. She took me to the hospital and I got diagnosed as major depression with psychotic features. Up until then, I had dreams of joining the navy. Those dreams died in the hospital emergency room when they told me I was psychotic because the voices in my head wouldn’t shut up. I actually felt free to talk with them for the first time in my life. My mother didn’t like that as it appeared that I was crazy. Well I was…

I got to the hospital and got sent to a local psych ward that was NOT for teens. I then got transferred to a better psych hospital the next day. I would have two more admissions there before I had a break. So my cycle of being in and out of the hospital began. I had three admissions all within a year. I blamed my next therapist for this as if she was doing her job, I wouldn’t be so sick. This is the therapist that I saw after the other one had left. I have seen many therapists in my lifetime, too many in fact. Before I turned twenty-five, I would have eleven therapists. Some therapists only saw me for ten months, others were year and a little over. I never had continuity in my care so I always remained unstable. Surprisingly, the only stable therapeutic relationship I have had was with my psychiatrist, whom I have been with since I was seventeen. I wished so badly at times that I could see her for therapy but she only does medication.

And here I am twenty odd years later and I still want to end my life. How sad is that…

Ramblings 34

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 34

I have been thinking about what to write about all day and nothing has come to me. I needed a break from working on my book so I left that out today. I had my coffee and went out finally. It was to the bank and Walgreens. I really didn’t need anything at Walgreens but I wanted something so I got some juice and a soda. Boring I know. I felt like getting some chips but my middle doesn’t need them.

I went over some of my posts that I wrote as papers and placed copyright in the last line so no one can scoop it like they did my comparison paper. That was the first paper I put copyright. I don’t know if it makes a difference in the internet world as people can still cut and past text.

My therapist changed times on me today for some reason. Instead of meeting at 13:30 I am now meeting her at 1800. I am sure I will find out why she had to change later as she gave me a free “get of out jail card”, which means I can cancel an appointment less than 24 hrs and not get penalized for it. But knowing her, there has to be a sufficient reason for me cancelling.

There is another snow storm coming in my area tonight. It is supposed to start after 2300. My leg is already giving me hints as to how bad it is going to be. But at least my back isn’t hurting me, yet.

I have been feeling ok today. I hope that doesn’t change after I talk with my therapist tonight. Sometimes she can stir some stuff up. This week I have three appointments with her, plus group therapy on Wednesday. OH JOY. Seems my life right now focuses on my therapy rather than anything else. I guess that is a good thing as I can work on things that I couldn’t before because they were too loaded. I am working on the transgender stuff but it’s tough. It activates my suicidality and sends me into a tailspin. And once I am there it is hard to get out of there. Like this weekend when I felt like a worthless burden on people and that I would be better off dead. I don’t always feel this way but when I do, all I want to do is die. And I plan my death because it is the only thing that helps me cope with my feelings. I know it sounds crazy, but thinking of death and planning has been shown to ease the anxiety in suicidality. It’s more of a fantasy that you think in your head and it somehow calms you down. No one knows why this happens but for me it has worked and I find that I am less apt to actually go through with it because my perturbation has been decreased.

ramblings 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Been thinking back on the past to write my book. I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing that I can’t remember the last few years at all. I remember some stuff but I don’t remember what classes I was taking at the time all this stuff was happening. What was going on at work. How I truly felt about things. My therapist has my journals at that time frame I am writing about now but there is no way I can go out and get them. I suppose I could go out Tuesday if I wake up early enough. It would be good to take the long drive. I miss being on the road but I just can’t afford a vehicle right now.

Today has been productive as I wrote a few pages about my past. It was difficult because as I said I don’t remember what I was feeling and I was trying to capture it again. I tried my best to write what I do remember and how quirky my therapist was.

I’m bored because the baseball game is not on until tonight. I was hoping for a 1 pm game. Just something to pass the time but all I can do is play my games. I could try cleaning my room but it is too overwhelming for me. Yesterday I slept all day. I had coffee today so I am pretty wired. I guess I could rearrange my bookcase and see where that gets me. I want to go out but it’s cold out. And I just don’t feel like getting dressed. Plus my stomach isn’t feeling too good so to avoid an accident, I think I will stay home.

I want to try and avoid a nap. That was my downfall yesterday. I should have gotten up and had coffee. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so tired. I really did need the rest though because of Wed and Thursday being days I really had to go into town. I had appointments both those days. My eye exam Thursday took forever. I swear I had the slowest intern in the world. I have to have visual therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It barely covered my eye exam. I had a $40 co-pay so that meant this place was out of network. Sucks. I can’t say that I liked the doctor or not. I barely saw him for more than a few minutes. If I can manage a few sessions with him for the visual therapy I think that I can manage that. But we will see…

Wednesday I had group therapy. It went well, I guess. I still felt really suicidal afterwards which I still have no idea why I do. But I managed to handle it without calling my therapist. I don’t know if it is because of the transgender that I feel suicidal or the fact that I am still being referred to as a female that is bothering me but I talked a little about where I am at with the transgender. I had little feedback but I was respected. I had a member tell me about breast binding and did a Google search. Those things are not cheap!! I don’t know if I can afford things anymore as my benefits are getting slashed. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even going to group next week is going to be tough because I am running out of cash for co-pays. I can probably get the money from my sister as I paid for dinner last night.

Now that the group knows I am transgender, I wonder if I can move forward and get the services for me, like getting the hormones but I have heard other transgendered folk having trouble because of their psychiatric illness. I hope that they don’t take my psych history into account but seeing as I am suicidal nearly every day, I don’t know how they can deny me. 85% of the reason why I am suicidal is because I am not a male.

I know I should probably take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t really feel like doing anything. I just want to be on the computer and maybe go out later for my walk around the block but that is questionable as it is supposed to snow. And it is bitter cold out. I hate walking in cold weather because it gives me bad back spasms.