Tag: therapy

a mumble jumble about fear of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This statement can be taken one of two ways. The first that some people are afraid to talk about suicide for fear of sparking ideation. The second is that when someone knows you are feeling low and have attempted before, they are afraid of losing that person. Suicide attempters are more likely than non-attempters to try again until successful.

What I am going to talk about is the second interpretation first. I have a friend who is having me motivate her into writing by me contacting her every day on my own writing. What sparked this was she read my blog about my near suicide attempt a few weeks ago. Now her ulterior motive is to keep me alive the only way she can think of, me writing to her every day. In return, she is to write at least two pages a day for her own well being.

I have to say that since I have been writing I have been in better space. I would not say that I feel more connected but I don’t want to let her down so I try and write a little each day. Our “rules” are to email each other when we are done and we are allowed our birthdays and Christmas off. In addition to days where it is not possible for me to write because of whatever reason, usually because I am in pain or sleep deprivation, we have given each other 3 passes on writing. I am usually the one to finish writing first but that is only because I have more time on my hands than she does. She is a VERY busy person with a lot of commitments.

I sometimes feel exposed because I am bearing my soul to this person that I just met through a friend on Facebook. We both belong to the same organization for suicide prevention. I am guessing because she thinks of me as a sibling, and she did lose her sister to suicide many years ago, she does not want me to end up that way. Sadly I don’t think she knows that it is my belief that I will end up killing myself one day. I know that I will because I just can’t picture myself living a life outside of this constant pain that I feel every day, either physically or mentally.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I don’t think about killing myself every day. It is a constant struggle and I think that I worry a lot of my close friends that actually get to know me or who read my blogs about my struggles. I think that is why my blog has been so successful is because people can relate to what I write.

On getting back to the talking about suicide can bring about a suicidal crisis, that is a common myth. Talking about suicide can actually prevent one but some people are just not comfortable with the subject and so will say stuff that they think the person who is miserable wants to hear, stuff like “you have your life ahead of you”, “Don’t be so down, things could be worse”, or my favorite “you have so much to live for”. If I had so much to live for why would I be thinking of taking my own life?? People don’t understand the pain that is involved in depression or in thinking about suicide. I have been thinking about taking my life since I was eight years old. I was in a lot of pain for some reason or another and it never got taken cared of. Today I think that pain stems from the fact that I am really a male and not a female. I knew at a young age that I was different and back then, there was no expressing how I truly felt. I really think that if I got help sooner, this would have come to light sooner and I wouldn’t be in this pickle today about what to do with my transition.

today’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression

MY pdoc today said that she is a fan of mine. I found it amazing that she would say something so sweet. We also talked about our anniversary and I said that we should go out for dinner but that would be over stepping a boundary.

I did tell her about my pseudo attempt and she understands why I get that way. I told her all my plans went out the window and it’s so hard to reach out when you are in so much pain. She didn’t say much but she understood that when pain hits, I become a suicidal maniac until the pain eases up.  If I did call her that night, I am sure she probably would have wanted me to call my PCP and tell him I needed more pain meds to get it under control. Probably but its not like they can call in for a narc over the phone or without being seen.

I am not in a good mood after today. I am hurting physically and am angry about it. No matter what I do I always seem to be in more pain for doing things I want to do, like walking to my doctor’s appt. Doesn’t seem like I am doing much but it takes so much out of me. Plus not sleeping has been annoying me and making me cranky. I am so cranky right now that I could dope slap anyone right now if they pissed me off in any way.

 

I saw my PCP’s colleague today because he wasn’t available. I wish I had waited until he was. I have to get another head MRI to rule out something on it and had a blood test for Myasthenia Gravis to rule out that. I am so tired about this and still can’t see that I am typing without my glasses because my eyes hurt. I am going to take a migraine med tonight to see if that helps. The doc thinks it is an atypical or ocular migraine that I am experiencing. I don’t care what it is I just want to be able to read and write again without agony. It’s almost 6 pm EST so I am going to take a nap and then the heavy drugs to go to sleep. I need to rest my head before it explodes so maybe I do indeed have a migraine going on.

a painful night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Right now my left foot is on fire and there is no calming it down. I think I did too much when I made my chicken wings today. God forbid I should make a meal. It really sucks when you want to make something other than a bologna sandwich for dinner. That is why I eat out so much. It’s so I don’t have to cook.

A friend has told me to write when I am in pain so that is what I am doing…not to say it is helping me with the pain any but it is making me tired that I want to sleep…

I am to see my psychiatrist in twelve hours from now. I am afraid to see her because I have not told her about my pseudo suicide attempt last week. I keep thinking it was months ago but in actually, it was only ten days ago.  I am afraid that if I tell her I might get put into the hospital for it. The crisis has passed. I have not felt suicidal since that night, well, not really felt like acting on it since that night. It is a curious thing. I will share things with my therapist more than I will my psychiatrist. I know it is because I talk with my therapist more than my psych. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship I have with my psych is longer than my therapist. I have seen the same psychiatrist since I was seventeen. I am coming up on our twenty year anniversary. I can’t believe how far I have come and that I am still alive. I know it is because of her care that I am still here. I think most psychiatrists would have dumped me a long time ago but for whatever reason she stuck by me and I by her.

I have not processed my feelings about this last suicide attempt. I cannot believe I threw out the window all my safety plans. It is easier said than done to call someone when you want to down a bottle of pills. I think that there is no telling what might have happened that night had I been able to walk the three feet, 3, stinking feet to my bureau to get more pills. Not being able to walk three feet is what saved my life. Three feet. That is how close I was to taking a whole bottle of pills. My therapist is grateful for this. I am sure my friends are. I have been in a weird state since this has happened. I have been neither depressed nor euphoric nor anything since that night. I have become numb. And I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. This is the first time I really want to document what I am going through because I know there might be someone in similar circumstances. Pain is awful but that night I was so full of despair and hopelessness, my mood changed on a dime and the demons came out rearing their ugly heads. I remember just this feeling of panic since that night. This overwhelming desire to get away from myself, the overwhelming pain knocking whatever senses I had out of commission and wanting to just die. Both of my feet were useless. Both of my feet were in agony. I couldn’t straighten out my legs. I couldn’t let the sheet touch my feet. It was awful, so truly awful not being able to do a damn thing but lie in agony and knowing that my meds were just a few feet away and my misery could have ended once and for all. But no, I could barely stand long enough to gulp down two of my night pills. So I skipped my dose of some of my other meds. What did that matter when all I could think about was death. After I took my meds I waited an eternity to pass out. Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen, then twenty. I felt like nothing was going to work that night. My feet seized in spasms again and all I saw was blackness filling me way deep inside such that I have never felt before. I had to do something. I had to get this demon out. I had to end my life. But I could not get up and walk the three stinking feet to do so. Moving my legs was agony. If I really tried I could have but then I would be in big trouble. I might not be here today writing this.

South Station

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

This subway station always gives me a hard time. It is the Penn Station of Boston. I always take the wrong escalator to get to where I need to go. I rely on public transportation to get around as I don’t have a car. Today someone had their butt in my face as I was sitting on the train. Boston has the rudest people. I am, fortunately, not one of them. I tend to always give to the Spare Change people. They are legitimate homeless people who collect a buck or two for their newspaper. It is a legitimate way for the homeless to collect money without panhandling.
Tonight I am going to Stoughton (south of Boston) for dinner with some good friends. I really don’t feel like venturing out in this cold and rainy day but it is a chance to get out of the house so I can’t complain. I am feeling kind of weak for some reason but it is probably because I have not left the house since Saturday and the fact that my sleeping is still messed up.

I tried to get out of my therapy appt tomorrow but my therapist nixed it. I hate it when she does. I recently saw an episode of CSI NY that had a patient go after his therapists other patients so that he could prove his love for her and she could feel the pain that she caused him when she tried to transfer him to another male therapist. He had developed feelings of love for her and I figured that seemed like a good way to get out of my therapist relationship without having to deal with the countertransference/transference piece but it didn’t hold any water. My therapist knows the feelings I have for her and I know the feelings she has for me. I could say we are a match made in heaven but it is strictly on a professional level and nothing more. I am in love with her, though nothing on an intimate plane. It is a very curious relationship we have. We both have feelings for one another yet we know nothing can really become of it. It is a safe relationship.

It is supposed to snow this week in Boston. I hope that my pain levels don’t skyrocket. I never know how the cold is going to affect me. Sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes I am paralyzed by it. It really sucks when I am paralyzed by pain. I can’t do anything but stay in bed and relax.

My new glasses are still causing me problems but I think it is starting to be a medical thing as my vision has been blurry for no reason and will cut out more so without the glasses than with. I have not had any migraines so it not because of that. I will be contacting my PCP soon, probably tomorrow to try and make an appt to try and figure it out. I hate it when things like this happen to me.

Addmendum: on my way home I almost lost my wallet and had panic that I think caused a mini heart attack you get when all is lost. I had put the wallet in a pocket I never use, in this case my back pocket. I kept on checking my front pockets because why would I check the back? I can be an idiot sometimes…