Tag: therapy

another Vent

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

My cousin wrote on FB that there should be better “laws” for commitment of mentally ill than gun control. How pathetic. People who are suicidal can’t get the help they need and so turn to a gun for help. They don’t hurt anyone but themselves, yet she wants better commitment laws. There are more suicide in this country and it goes up every year. And she wants better commitment laws.

I wrote a rant about it. Ending sentence that I would commit suicide.  I couldn’t help it. I got caught up in the moment. How is it that I can eat, live, and breathe suicide yet I am not cured of it. How is it that I read and can quote but yet not stop myself from committing it.

I have a busy week. Meetings with doctors that are supposed to give me the help I need. Yet I don’t receive it. I’m still depressed and suicidal. There is no help for me. I just have to live because society wants me to. I am a follower of what is right and suicide is wrong. But why is it wrong? Why is taking my life wrong? I am not hurting anyone but myself, not physically anyway. I’m not threatening thousands of lives. Just one, my own. What makes my life more valuable than another’s. Do people not see that mental illness takes many forms other than violent ones?

I just posted this paragraph as my Facebook status and got 7 likes, no comments. I wanted to put the whole paragraph about my cousin but I did not want to alarm my sisters with “I’m going to kill myself”. I have many friends and family on Facebook and I bet the ones from the UK are going to be the first to respond, if they do at all.

Mental illness doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be silent and nonviolent like I am. They say that most people employers watch social media now. I don’t care. If I don’t work again because of my mental illness. It won’t be the end of the world for me. I’ll be in private practice anyways.

I got 1 like. We’ll see what else happens if anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Pdoc’s visit will be the same. Too bad I didn’t get her chocolate. I do have to get my MRI report for Hedges on Thursday. I have to be at MGH very early. Going to suck. I just hope I am awake enough to be coherent.

No one has responded yet. I just have a few likes. I guess that is better than nothing.

Just pisses me off that people who obviously don’t understand what mental illness thinks they know what to do with the “problem”. It’s not going away. I’m resistant to treatment but others are not. Why am I still alive while others are dead. I have many risk factors yet I’m alive. I should be fucking dead but I’m not. So why do people pretend to be educated about mental illness yet can’t do anything for them. Feeling pretty hopeless right now. Even if I did see my pdoc she probably would commit me. My therapist would want more sessions. My PCP would just want a promise for me to call him if I got suicidal. How does that keep me alive???? There is no magic drug that I can take to keep me alive. There is no magic talk-therapy. So what am I left with? You might as well give me a loaded gun so I can end this misery. Give me 100 seconals to die with dignity. That is what I want. Pain is up so I am going to stop here. Back is cramping all of a sudden.

venting about mental illness and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental illness, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

weepiness and not enough sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

Have not been myself the past few days. I have been wicked emotional since my TG piece got posted. I had 19 people read it so far and only 1 comment. No likes but it still is early. My first piece didn’t get anything until weeks later and then it was on fire.

I think I put a lot of myself out there and that is why I am still in a weepy state today. I just am emotionally drained from writing it as well as what my therapist says, I hide myself pretty well. I haven’t left my house. I have not showered in a few days time. I don’t think I have had the energy or inclination to brush my teeth. My eyes have been blurry today and I don’t see the head honcho of the neuro-opt until next week. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t see, even with my glasses on. My left eye seems to the trouble today. I just can’t focus.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go see my dad but I think I won’t. I don’t need his antics when I haven’t been having a good few days. He always makes me feel like a shitbag. But that is just the way he is.

I think the whole mess of not being able to work anymore and collecting disability has finally sunk in and I just have been so weepy. It’s hard because I have always been a good worker and now that I can’t it harder because I don’t have something to look forward to every day. I have my writing and blog but I don’t have the outside contact of being with someone or people contact that I normally get. And just when I think I can go back to work, I stand for longer than I should and have a pain attack that night. It’s really depressing me not having something to do except writing. I could clean my room but I don’t have anything or anywhere to put all my clothes. I don’t have bookcases for my books and other office style stuff. I can clean my office but I get so overwhelmed that I just end up not doing anything at all. My office has become one side of my bed, which probably has contributed to my sleep problems. A sleep doctor would have a coronary if he ever evaluated me. But then I always have had trouble sleeping. I had trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, and going back to sleep. I know it doesn’t help that I have my laptop next to me in bed or my books or my journal or the 3 notebook/pads I have for writing my ideas down.

What ever is causing this weepy business, I hope it stops and I hope my pdoc calls me back. I want to get started on a new/old medicine to try and help me sleep better and stabilize my mood.

A Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Talking with Bozo, aka my therapist, 3x this week. Don’t know how that happened. I called her Thursday because I was in severe pain Wednesday night which seems like ages ago today. She asked if I wanted to meet Monday and like an idiot I said yes. We talked about M today as I am upset by the whole thing. People who are not in the situation are quick to judge about what to do. I had a response to M’s blog and one person said that I should do something as she obviously “wants help”,  as she opened up to me. Thing is she doesn’t know the battle it takes to deal with the effects of chronic illness day in and day out. No one knows how hard it is to deal with this unless they have been there like I have. I feel M’s pain as if it were my own because I have been where she is and I know what she is going through.

M is going to the doc today and I hope they do something for her but I doubt that she will open up to them about her plan or much less about what is really going on with her. She seems convinced to go through with whatever she is planning and it sounds like she has been poisoning herself slowly to die a slow death. It’s awful that she has to go through this alone. I feel so helpless. But I understand where she is coming from.

Now my Left foot is vibrating right now. It’s driving me nuts. And it’s not even night time. It’s weird that I would get nerve pain at 2 pm in the afternoon.

Today I also went to the bank and bakery for my mother. Also mailed her mail. Then came to Starbucks.

I’m getting a little bit tired like I can take a nap but I won’t. I got to stop taking naps even though it’s the only way I get the REM sleep. It really sucks to sleep during the day but I wake up sometimes restful, other times groggy. I really want another coffee, maybe a Blue Java from Indonesia! I really love that coffee. I had some yesterday. I love that I can make it whenever I want. But I’m at Starbucks so I can get another coffee if I want it dammit! And I did get it. Two cups of coffee in one day. I’m going to be up all night. Coffee is so much different than at home. But it still tastes as strong as home. I miss my Galapagos. That was the best mild full-bodied coffee. But the Pats game is on tonight so I will need all the caffeination I can get!!

I got to go home and find my Roxio cd so I can burn CDs again. I don’t know why I should be worrying about it. It’s not like the thing is going to work on my new laptop any ways.

If my father had a DVD player I could have made him a DVD of his pictures rather than his photo book that is crap. Jerk better like it or I will be wicked upset with him.