Tag: transgender

Guess who…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, transgender

I was able to shave and shower this morning. I had a ton of time before I had to leave. I took my time getting ready. I guess the bus I needed to take to the Square was delayed as the other bus came. I decided to take it rather than wait. I figured in doing so, I would have time to write when I got to Starbucks. I had to stop at the post office and it was busy. Goodbye writing time. The postal clerk didn’t even look where I was sending the cards to, just said I had enough postage and I went on my way. If they come back to me. I am gonna be pissed.

I got to Starbucks and ordered a sandwich, espresso, and lemon loaf. The sandwich had sausage but it didn’t taste right. I ate half and then dived into the lemon loaf. It was very lemony. I loved it. I just hope when I try to make it tomorrow, I can get the right consistency for the frosting.

After I ate and played on my phone. It was time for the train. I put another 5 bucks on my temporary ticket as my pass didn’t come over the weekend. When I got to my stop, the bus wasn’t coming for another 20 minutes or so. I decided to walk. My mother needed something at Walgreens so I went in to get it. There was a line for checkout. I waited and then left to walk to my therapist’s office. I got halfway there and needed to rest. I checked the time and had 10 minutes before my appt. I rested another minute and then went.

I showed my therapist what I wrote for the pain doc. He said it was perfect. I just hope the fellow and attending see the damn paper and read it. Then we talked about my anxieties that is going on for the week. Told him about how upset my mother made me yesterday. How she can’t accept me other than what she holds in her mind of me. Told him how my family has a pedophile they refuse to acknowledge as one. Then time was up.

I walked back to the station. I had less than 5 bucks on the card. When I got back to the Square and got on the bus home, I noticed it didn’t allow no payment for transfers. That was why I had to put so much damn money on this fucking temporary ticket. It was charging me the reduced fare on every bus and train I took. Fucker.

My legs were killing me by the time I got home. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. My mother made dinner and after eating we both didn’t want to get up. We both hurt. I cleared the counter for her then went up to my room. Mail had came and my pass was in it. Weird they had my name change as the address but not on the fucking card! Ugh!!! Card doesn’t expire until 2023. Least now I can buy my monthly pass and not have to pay per fare.

I had some stuff from Amazon come in. A friend had sent me some eczema cream. It is a lower amount of colloidal something that I have so hope it will work on the patch under my eye. I stopped at my sister’s to talk for a while. We griped about our mother being ridiculous. I didn’t tell her that she laughed at me yesterday. I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her I’d be starting T Wed.

Hope I don’t flare tonight. Last night was horrid. I didn’t sleep till 330 am. Seems every time I got comfortable my foot or ankle or both acted up. I am really tired after all the walking I did. It is cold tonight so might have to put on the fleece blanket. I took it off my bed the other night because I was looking for something. I was working in an app on my phone when I accidentally disconnected my SD card. When I went to take it out, it went flying. Damn sucker was in the pillow case on my bed. I thought it was in the void in my room and I’m glad it wasn’t. I’d have to tear my room apart trying to find it. Luckily, I found the SIMM card on my bag for goodwill. Totally freaked me out. But all is right now. Wish the makers of Samsung would use a toggle rather than a pin thing to get the card out. Stupid design.

Anxiety and not knowing it (my list of worries)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Anxiety and not knowing it (my list of worries)

Last night I was up due to a flare. I had done way too much and was hurting. I couldn’t sleep so I was thinking a lot of things. I pondered about stuff that happened during yesterday’s PT session. I realized then that I have a shit ton of anxiety that I am not even aware of most of the time. I think about things and think often of the worse. Like my PT was telling me, I didn’t re-injure myself, that it was just the muscle being overworked because I did too many reps of the strengthening exercises she was giving me. It took her most of the time to reassure me that I was okay. I didn’t resprain my ankle. What I was feeling was the muscle hurt because of overuse. She also reassured me that I was NOT getting CRPS in that foot because I injured it.

I never knew how much anxiety I was feeling. I never do. It’s always a million thoughts and worries and last night I started writing about them in my journal and there was a lot in those three pages I wrote. I am sure if exhaustion didn’t kick in, I could have probably finished the journal off. There are only about 10 pages left and then I will start another one. I really need to write more about this because I don’t think it is going to get better otherwise. I was reading an article about anxiety and ways to reduce it. One of the things mentioned was writing in a journal. I have noticed that when I can’t sleep and write down my thoughts, whatever they are, either in my blog or journal, but mostly journal as it is pen to paper, I feel more relaxed and can often go to sleep afterwards. I had been in the habit of writing in my journal since being disabled. Sometimes I would write three times a day, between my day and night journals. I have one I take with me and write in when I am at Starbucks or have some down time between appointments. Then I have one on my bed so I will write when I get home if I am frustrated and before I want to sleep. I kind of got away from it and it was only during times I couldn’t sleep that I would write.

Thing is, I am not really aware how my thoughts are affecting my emotions and causing me to be tense. I really have a disconnect between my emotions and feeling them. Most of the time, I don’t feel anxious. I feel calm but just worried about things. Like my mother and her rehab, my upcoming pain doc appointment, being in pain, wondering what my PCP is going to do/say when I see him next, etc. I also worry about my sisters and what is going on in their lives. I have a lot of these thoughts and then dealing with my cousin last night that pissed me off because he was flipping out over the weather. Not kidding, he was cursing because it was going to rain today. I have never seen him flip out before over something so stupid. He just made me so annoyed. I knew I shouldn’t have picked up the phone.

Then I worry about my country and the assholes that are ruining it. Also because of the Supreme Court nominee, my sexual abuse stuff has been stirred up big time. I can’t seem to stop the memories and the feelings attached to them. I haven’t told my therapist this. I want to get through this pain doc appointment first. And then you have the worry thoughts of going on hormones next week. While I am thrilled about it, I am thinking of every little detail of how this shot is going to be played out. I have a few hours before I see my therapist after the nurse shows me how to do it. I kind of want to give it before the appointment but worry I won’t do it right. My biggest concern is how to extract the contents of the vial without bending the needle and not breaking the vial because the damn needle is bigger than it. I am not supposed to bring the med with me but I am so the nurse can advise me on how to do this. I will feel better if she sees how small this vial is and how big the needle is. I might be worrying for nothing (anxiety talking) but I think it is a legit concern. I have spoken to a few of my friends who were nurses before they were disabled. They say it will be fine. I would kind of feel better if I had a smaller needle so I can extract the stuff, especially the last bits to make sure I get the correct dose when the vial is almost gone. The syringe I have is okay. I can figure out how the markings and stuff. I used to be a medical assistant so know how to draw but fuck. This is not for a patient. This is for me. And I will be injecting into my muscle!! I am kind of worried about that, too. I know it is better than gels or creams but fuck. I never gave myself an IM injection before. Subcutaneous, yes. We did that in school. It was nothing. I am not afraid of needles but this one is directed toward me. UGH. Sorry, I just realized I am going on and on about this. I must be more nervous about this than anything. But hell, it is got to happen if I am want to be more masculine. I am in the wrong body. I haven’t told my mother. I am not going to because I don’t want to hear what she has to say on the matter, which I know won’t be positive. I can’t deal with her about it.

I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter because she can calm me down. She has such a soothing voice. I haven’t done a thing all day. My mother made pancakes so I will have that in the morning. Maybe I will make some bacon to go with it. I haven’t had her pancakes in quite some time. Only three games left in the regular season. We play the Snakes (NY Yanks). I am hoping for at least one win in the series. Post season starts next week. It will either be Oakland or Snakes. Hoping for Oakland, sort of only because I don’t want to play the snakes!!

Useless appt that wasn’t so useless after all!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Useless appointment wasn’t so useless after all!!!

I had a hard time sleeping. Pain was awful last night and had me really depressed. I woke up a few times before my alarm but didn’t do much. I was already maxed on stuff I could take and I didn’t want to take any Neurontin because it would give me a hangover. The alarm went off and although I didn’t want to get up, my bladder said I had to. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I wasn’t sure if I would need an allegra but I brought it with me just in case. It was really cold out. I wore sweatpants as I didn’t feel like wearing jeans.

At least three buses I didn’t need came and went. Then my bus finally came. I had my espresso and a sandwich. I didn’t have time for writing because the trains were running behind due to a malfunctioning train. I played with my phone for a bit and then left. I really didn’t want to go to this appointment but it was the only way to get my female hormones.

My doc was on time. Usually she is late so this was good. She brought me to her office and right away she asked about my chart and how I wanted to be called. I thought that was odd so I told and stuff and then she said she would be happy to prescribe testosterone for me and I nearly fell out of my chair! She said she and an ID doc was going to lead a transgender clinic that would open in January. We talked more about my gender dysphoria and stuff. Then next thing I know we were talking about the hormones and how I would take it. I would have to kind of finish my birth control and then start T. That would be next week. I also need to be shown how to inject the stuff as I opted for that. She asked if my PCP’s office would do the training and I said I would ask. And then it was see you in four months!

She made my fucking day!! I don’t have to go to another clinic. I would have all my care at the same place, which makes it easier to have everyone on the same page, so to speak. She called in the prescription but the damn computer system didn’t let it go through. I have to email her and let her know about it. I am kind of waiting on what my PCP’s nurse will say but she is not giving me an answer until Wednesday. My therapist says I should just tell the doc they said no so another nurse can do it. I might go that route. My PCP’s office has been nothing but trouble. Just to get my fricken ear drops for my eczema has been a bitch. Two phone calls later I get the script. I go through this every year when the bottle expires.

I had such a range of emotion today. My pain has been bad most of the day but as it got colder, it seemed to get better. Kind of weird but I will take it. I only needed one BT med today, so far. I got to take my meds soon after I write this. Seems I have a pattern of writing a bunch and then playing on my phone, which delays the end of the blog. UGH. My sisters are excited that I will be starting hormones. It is definitely going to be a change. I didn’t bother telling my mother. I didn’t want her negativity to spoil my day. I am just going to have a beard one day and then maybe she will start to understand. I don’t know. Telling her I am how I am doesn’t seem to be enough.

Swirl of Things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Swirl of things Saturday Blog 15 Sept 18

If you are a daily reader, I apologize for not writing for a few days. I’ve been in a lot of pain and yesterday I had my cousin’s wedding. It went well. My ankle is still swollen from last night and I have the concert to go to tonight. I am wicked worried. But I don’t want a ticket to go to waste. I had some difficulty going to sleep and slept pretty hard when I finally did. Least until my damn med alarm went off at 7. I had changed the time because I was up early one morning and never changed it back. Dumb move. I fell back to sleep okay and thought I was going to sleep the day away. I really wanted to. But my bladder wouldn’t have it.

I got up and had coffee. Then my mother made grilled cheese for lunch. My sister wants to go to some Mexican restaurant where the concert will be so that should be fun. I love Mexican food. I am always up to trying new stuff. I know the burritos and stuff is so much different than Taco Bell, lol. I hope I won’t be in too much pain. I managed okay at the wedding with taking BT meds. I mostly drank water the whole night. I didn’t want soda. I did have one coke but that was it. I didn’t want to go to the bar. I took some pictures and when I showed them to my mother, she said I didn’t take a picture of the dress. I thought the person IN the dress was more important! She was absolutely beautiful. All my cousins were and my aunt, the mother of the bride. I talked with my cousin, the oldest sister of the bride. She looked stunning. Her hair was done up and she hated it. I liked it. We laughed about it. I took a picture with her. I really don’t have any pictures with them. It is something I regretted when my uncle died earlier this year so I when I am together with them, I try to take a picture. I didn’t much talk with the lunatic and she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t care. We sat at different tables. I was grateful. I did feel bad for my cousin’s wife who sat next to her as it looked like she was talking her ear off.

The ride home was a lot faster than getting there. There was a bunch of fog so we took it slow until we got to the highway. We couldn’t see more than two feet in front of us. My ankle was so done. We had this incline to get to the parking lot and I knew if I tried it, I was going to hurt so went down some stairs and walked to the car. It was better to be on level ground. The place was so beautiful. It was a castle and just majestic. I didn’t take any pictures. I didn’t think of it. Oh well.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Monday. I might have to reschedule my appointment with PT, depends on how I do tonight. I know I am bringing my cane with me. I didn’t wear the air cast for my sprain. It seems okay though it is kind of sore right now. I haven’t decided if I will wear it tonight. We will be leaving in a couple of hours. I want to shower but I know it will take some energy I will need tonight. I still have no idea what I am going to wear for a T shirt. I am in a white shirt right now but I am not wearing that out. I just wear white as an undershirt or for around the house.

The dress shirt I wore was perfect but I hated the things on my chest. It would have fit better if I didn’t have those fucking things. God, do I hate them. Makes me want to get a sharp knife and cut them off. I am scared that if I ever did do it, the surgeon would reattach the things. That would piss me off! I just got to wait for top surgery, which is so fucking long!!

Humidity is going to be ugly today. I really, really, really cannot wait for a temp of 70 or so without fucking humidity!! But summer isn’t over yet and then we’ll probably have an Indian summer so AC stays in! It probably will stay until November. I think I took it out the beginning of Dec last year. I didn’t use it for a month but the colder weather started so I needed to out to keep my room warm. That is when I broke my screen. Oops. I have fixed it though. My brother in law will put it in when he takes it out. I tried putting the sucker in, but my arms are too short to really reach where it needs to go. I also don’t have the strength to do it. It is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I am debating on having my brother in law take it out of my room or not. I really want a new AC for next year. I am saving up for it now. I have about 6 months to save and I think I can do it, if I don’t get impulsive or have my painsomnia spending sprees. That was kind of crazy. I am glad they have stopped since I am on the new meds.

I might write tomorrow but not sure. Depends on how I feel. Hopefully I won’t be in horrible pain the next few days. But I planned a few rest days so hopefully that will help.