Tag: transgender

screwed up with my laptop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Screwed up with my laptop

My RAM for the laptop came in. I took the laptop apart and found that there were no memory slots. I emailed Dell and they said the unit came like that. WTF. I am going to see if I can return it. No use in having it if I can upgrade it. In the process of fiddling with it, I somehow caused the mouse to become non-functional. I will have to take it apart again and see what I messed with. A wire might be loose or something.

I went for blood work this morning as my psychiatrist wanted to check my chemistries. Everything came back within normal limits. The phlebotomists sucked. They stuck me twice and were poking with the needle. Assholes. I wasn’t feeling like picking a fight with them so I just let it be. I was tired and hungry and just wanted to leave. My foot has been bothering me all fricken day. I canceled physical therapy. I am so tempted to cancel my remaining appts. I am just fed up with being in pain and nothing really helping. It’s really hard to do the home exercise routine when you are in pain worse than you were the day before. I am trying to do at least one thing but that doesn’t always happen. I keep blaming myself for this, which I know isn’t helping but at the same time I can’t help but think I am not trying. Yet if I am able to go to Starbucks for the day, then that is something more than just doing some exercises.

Can’t believe in two days I see the LGBT doc. I am really nervous about it. I keep imagining the worse, which is him saying no, I can’t have hormones ever. That will just crush me. I know there might be some hinderances, especially with my damn current reproductive system that may or may not cause delay. My biggest fear is that I will need an MRI to check my pituitary before I start hormones. I hate brain MRIs worse than back MRIs. I am a little claustrophobic and because they have your head in this cage thing, just makes it worse.

I need to change my bed sheets this weekend. It’s a chore I fricken hate with a passion but needs to be done. The foam topper is sliding off the mattress and because of the nice straps I bought, they are keeping the sheet in place, which makes it hard to move the foam back in place. It is very annoying.

I need to make the vegetables that I bought last week. I really want to make the butternut squash and mash it with brown sugar and butter. I’m not sure what to do with the zucchini. I wanted to make chocolate zucchini bread but my mother is using both her cake holders. I won’t have a container to put the bread in when it is done. I might cut it up and put it in Tupperware containers or something. Depends on how I feel tomorrow as I don’t want to be hurting all day tomorrow as I need to get up early Friday morning for the doc appt. I will be going in the opposite direction of the Square as I need a different train to get to the doc’s office. It is right by Fenway Park, which I will drool a little bit as baseball season is around the corner. Seemed like forever for it to come. Just two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Going to be an interesting season with the new manager. Man, I miss baseball. I need to finish the history book I am reading. I only have two chapters left. I wanted to read one this afternoon but my damn laptop distracted me. I will read one before bed. So much for reading 1 book a month. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do this.

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 17

I had a very difficult night last night. It wasn’t due to pain, least not the physical kind. My lovely, greedy government gave the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), a list of words that cannot be used in their fiscal year budget. While normally, I try my best to ignore their stupidity, there was one word that was like a dagger to my heart, transgender. If they didn’t include this word because it was banned, I just fear we are moving from a democracy to a more dictatorship where my fellow transgender people will be punished or even killed, if they didn’t kill themselves first. And even if we did kill ourselves, it would be banned to use that “category” so the suicide would not be recorded correctly for further research. But then evidence-based and science-based have been banned as well so there would be no accurate studies anymore. Just broke my heart when I saw that word and I am seriously questioning moving forward with my transition while under Cheeto. I would really hate for my doctors to lawfully report my treatment should the idiot demand such things. (this is my paranoia talking, medical treatment is still under confidentiality.)

Also a few Nos on the tax bill got bribed to a yes, so I have no idea if my Medicare will get cut some time next year or the year after. I still have private insurance, which is going up at least $30-$40 next year. It will cost me over $300 for health insurance between the two insurances. And there is no guarantee that my SSD won’t be cut either. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My foot bones were again hurting when I woke up. I stood up and saw stars. I was not going to make cookies that I wanted to make today. I posted the recipe in a previous blog. It seems easy, though I am going to watch the video again. I still have no idea if I have the right circumference of the muffin pans for the cookie filling. I know I can make the filling okay, it is the cookie part I am worried about. I have never done something like this.

I had breakfast and did okay. I made a cup of tea as I didn’t feel like making coffee. I needed to take a shower but was taking my time. After lunch, my foot really flared up. It settled a little bit and I took that chance for a shower. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t slip. I guess I should take one when I am not fatigued.

My sister came up after my brother in law brought me a loaf of bread that was three times the size I normally get. He told me to freeze some as it was half frozen so I did. I froze it in three portions, Saran wrap and aluminum foil wrapped. I didn’t want to put it in plastic bag as ice seems to get in it, spoiling it. I left out a portion so I could have it tomorrow for breakfast with maybe some eggs. My foot was getting cold despite wearing my slippers. I came upstairs and my foot went berserk again and got really cold. It then was hurting from being icy cold. I put on thermal socks. Damn thing is still cold, under my blanket and comforter! I don’t know why as it ten degrees warmer than yesterday. For some reason, my mother hasn’t been playing with the heat, which I like. My mother was really hot in her room last night, even though her door was open. Now she knows what I go through when she turns the heat up high. I can’t stand the icy pain I am feeling in my foot. Only half of my foot hurts. This sucks.

I wish I had Doritos as I want to make a tuna sandwich tonight. I like to eat them with Doritos. When I was a kid, my best friend introduced Dorito tuna sandwich. It’s been my favorite ever since. I stole a roll of bread from my sister’s to make a sandwich and that will be my dinner, though my mother said she was going to make a tuna salad so I don’t know what we are having. I hope she doesn’t use my tuna if she makes the salad. My tuna is just 3.5 oz and it’s perfect to make one sandwich.

Last night I was so tired from running around with my head cut off, that I fell asleep before 10 pm. I never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I will watch it one of these days. It’s my traditional Christmas movie. I also got to dust off Home Alone as that is another of my Christmas favorites. Unfortunately, I don’t have A Christmas Carol. I really would love to get the one where Patrick Stewart plays Scrooge. I have yet to see that version. My favorite version of that movie is the black and white one. I think it was in 1939 or so. I have to look at the year as I don’t remember who played Scrooge but it is my favorite version. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my other favorite cartoon Christmas movie, not the Jim Carrey one. I don’t like the people Grinch. I wish they would leave classics the way they are.

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

My Buckeyes won the Big 10 Championship last night. It was a nail biter in the 4th quarter. But an interception won the game! I was very happy. Unfortunately, my pain over rid my joy and I was up all night again. I didn’t go to sleep till around 5ish. I was kind of waiting to see if there would be news of the Football playoffs but it was too late. It would be announced today. I was not happy when I woke up because Alabama got OSU’s spot, all because the Bucks lost to an unranked team earlier in the season. The Bucks will play in the Cotton Bowl Dec 29th against USC Trojans. One of my CES friends is a Trojan fan so it will be interesting. I have been fuming most of the day over the committee’s choice of excluding the Bucks for a championship game. They deserved to be in the playoffs and I hate that one loss determined their fate. It was like the rest of their wins, including the Big 10 Championship, didn’t count. I am so mad.

My brother in law did not put in my ceiling fan like he said he would do. He decided to get a Christmas tree and go food shopping instead. So I guess me roasting and possibly getting a heat stroke are my choices. I am not going to risk an electrical fire by turning it on until it dies. I can’t stand the noise it makes either. And even though I found the right temp for the thermostat, my mother has turned up the fucking heat. I am now roasting. I wish I had heard the heat turn on before I went downstairs. My ankle flared up when I took off my slippers as I undressed to take a shower. The pain settled down but now is back up. I am so fucking mad. Now I am boiling mad because even though I found the right setting on the thermostat, my mother jacked up the heat. My room is so fucking hot right now and it’s not that cold out. Fucking bitch already pissed me off once today. She called me “miss” and then my birth name. I walked away like I didn’t hear her. My cousin has also been calling me my birth name even though I told him my name is G. Dumbbell also calls me GiGi, like WTF? What am I, a toy?? Pisses me off.

I know I am angry because of being in pain and I want to end my life. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of the sleepless nights. And now I am in pain, again. I joined the BPD chat. That was good. Now a damn social worker in one of the Carolinas thinks she can tell me what kind of therapist I need. PPPFFFTTT. Talking to the wrong person, lady. Then she tells me she wishes me well in healing. WTF is healing when you want to end your life every single fucking day?? Fucking please. Go find someone else to spew your good tidings and insight. I don’t need it.

I managed to go downstairs to adjust the heat, even though my ankle didn’t like it. My mother wanted me to do something but called me my birth name, again. I went back upstairs. Fuck her. Then she screams that she has been calling me my birth name for 40 years blah blah blah. I have kept quiet about it but today it is like pouring salt into a wound for some reason. I am just so mad. I think me not sleeping the past two nights have got me on edge.

I have therapy tomorrow and because it is past the 24 hour rule, I need to go. I am going to ask him about his mommy and daddy issues that he brought up the last time we met. Like to see what his answer will be. I don’t know if I will get anywhere with this guy. I’ve seen him since April and I don’t think he has been too helpful to me. I’ve had 2 hospitalizations and working on a third, possibly. I still don’t think we connect in any way but just tolerate each other. Just basically called him because he was the last name on my list and I said okay let me try him. I am glad he didn’t turn me away because of my suicidality and he doesn’t flip out when I talk about suicide, but on the other fronts, can you give me some guidance??? Like seriously, aren’t you supposed to help me?? Or did I get therapy all wrong all these years? My psychiatrist who I see every two weeks for about 20-30 mins gives me more validation than he has all fricken year. Though if I text him, he is more supportive than in session!! I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just go with it then write a bitch blog about him.

I had left my MP3 app on on my phone. I wasn’t using it but the thing doesn’t shut off when not in use. It was taking up memory and clogging up my phone. I turned it off and then for kicks, checked the phone’s RAM. It has more than my new laptop! No wonder it runs so damn slow!!! I definitely need to get more. I was planning to anyways as it was cheaper to buy it as is and then upgrade here and there. I just got to look at the manual and see how to do it.

I took my meds about 45 mins ago and now I am feeling sleepy. I will stop here. Later my readers!