30 day writing Challenge day 11
Family
Two sisters, mom and dad, and me.
Today was a rough day. I had an annoying appt with my therapist. I wish I hung up on her (we have phone sessions because it is too far for me to see her as I do not have a car). I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts but she was not having any part of it.
I am in a seriously depressed mood. I started talking about my plans and how I am going to cancel my Tuesday appt because I just don’t feel like talking and she schedules me for a Monday session. I don’t want to fucking talk. I just want to be left alone you idiot but she didn’t get the message.
We talked about how to tell my mother about me being Mike. I am scared. Maybe I don’t have to tell her. There is no time limit that says I have to tell her now. Let me get comfortable with being Mike before I go telling my family. That is how I came out. I came out to my friends before I came out to my family. So far my friends have been more than supportive. My former coworkers are happy for me. Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling so down all I want to do is kill myself?
After therapy and the ensuing fight of getting another session in, I fell asleep. It was cold in my room and I was exhausted from getting up early to see my psychiatrist earlier this morning. Besides it was really cold out so it’s not like I could take a walk anywhere. I can’t walk too far anyways. Damn ankle prevents that from happening. Though my ankle has been behaving the past few days. Until now. Now it is aching and throbbing. I hear the temp is going down to 8 degrees tomorrow, which is a good 20 degrees lower than it is now. Just wonderful that I am a human barometer. I hate that the change in temp causes me pain. I used to love the winter because I love the cold. Now the cold hurts so I don’t love it as much. I just popped 3 baby aspirin because I couldn’t find my advil gelcaps. My left calf is sore and with all the laying around that I have been doing I am scared I might get a DVT, a deep venous thrombosis, a very bad blood clot. But I am trying not to worry because it might be the ticket out this world and keep me from having to kill myself. It takes a lot of planning and energy to kill yourself. I just am too exhausted to try again. Though I still have my plans of throwing myself off my back porch with a rope around my neck. Chances are though I will make a terrible knot and fall to the ground. That will be embarrassing…
Listening to number 8 on my playlist, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. Her music always seems to lift me up. Her and Mary Chapin Carpenter are my favorite female artists that I listen to when I am down and out. Right now I have my MP3 player on party shuffle as part of the writing challenge that I am doing. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one because it talks about family. I think I will just make it short and sweet and be done with it.
30 Day Writing Challenge Day 10
Put your MP3 player on shuffle and write the first 10 songs:
1. If tomorrow never comes—Garth Brooks
2. One with the song—Mary Chapin Carpenter
3. The end of my pirate Days-Mary Chapin Carpenter
4. Turning Tables-Adele
5. Wanted –Hunter Hayes
6. Lonesome’s last call—Terri Clark
7. Take me as I am –Sugarland
8. Hey Stephen—Taylor Swift
9. Mad Season—Matchbox Twenty
10. P.Y.T Pretty young thing –Michael Jackson
I did nothing today. Today is supposed to be my writing day off but I can’t stop writing what is in my head. Last night was hard for me on so many levels. My suicidality came back and it stayed with me for a good while. I wanted to hang myself off the back porch, while my sister was having a party down stairs. My biggest fear was that I would be caught in time and I would survive. I didn’t want that to happen as it would be mad embarrassing. But I imagined what it would be like. I didn’t prepare or anything, just thought and fantasized about it. It helps to calm me down when I fantasize about killing myself. It is not the best mechanism of coping but hell it works better than the other bullshit.
I didn’t want to kill myself because of the new year. I wanted to kill myself because I don’t think I can stand being who I am anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have changed my name a few times over the years to get used to being called something other than my birth name in transitioning toward being male. Can’t be any more male than Mike right? But people don’t see it as a big deal. Maybe they think that it is easy. I don’t know. I have never done this before. I just want to feel the way I feel inside and project it on the outside. I guess the incident that triggered this was that this was the last birthday that I would be called by my birth name(BN). I just wasn’t ready for it. For months I have been using my BN at Starbucks and other places. Yesterday I decided to use Alex and the idiot that took my order wrote “Alice”, nice but I am NOT a fucking female you nitwit!! That is what I want to scream to the world. I am NOT A FUCKING FEMALE!! I am not a HER I am a HIM!!!! But people just don’t get it. They see breasts and the will always think her. They don’t see breasts they see him. It is how this world is cracked up to be.
I so need to talk to my therapist this week. I am having a wicked hard time with this. I think my very life depends on it. But if I were to seek help, I don’t think a hospital will help. Seeing as I have not transitioned, they will just place me in a woman’s room or ward. How demoralizing is that. Because biologically I am female I get put into that category. I hate categories.
midnightdemons7 
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