Got my new laptop and it is different than what I expected. The keys are bigger but a little more centered than other keyboards. I still have a hard time typing because I don’t know where the keys are and have to look.
Windows 8 is different and I might just use this laptop for my blogging to get used to it. I am having a hard time closing programs once I open them. And if I do a certain move on the mousepad, it’s like I press alt/tab to get to another open program. The other thing that kills me is that I don’t know where the control panel is for programs or settings. I am going to have to take a tutorial on the windows website to figure this shit out.
I mailed out my package to the UK today. And I got myself a sub at my favorite sub shop. I smell pretty bad so will need to take a shower tonight as I don’t remember the last time I did. I have been really bad about showering. It’s hard to do when you don’t have place to go to or people to see. I think Wed I am going to try and get up early so I can take my sister’s car for my therapy appt. It will be good to see my therapist. I haven’t seen her since March. We have been doing phone therapy which sometimes sucks because I don’t want to talk. I can’t cancel but I can rearrange my time. My therapist knows I have nothing planned usually so she snags me whenever she has a time open. It kind of helps with the boredom of not doing anything. I was telling her today my troubles with my comparison paper. I told her I have to get over my stupidity problem and she agreed, but it is easier said than done. I believe everything I write is stupid and because of this, I have a hard time going back to writing something once I think it is. It is the biggest problem I have with writing.
Very sad right now as I misplaced my 8 GB drive that had all my research on it. Last time I made a backup of it was dec 2011 so not all is lost but I feel like I lost a part of my life. I was going to wipe out my laptop but I don’t think I will now until I find my drive as it has my last copy of my life. I don’t want to lose all my research of 7 yrs. And to make matters worse, in my haste I lost my backup drive because I forgot the password. It has been a long while since I used this encrypted drive. You only have so many tries before it formats itself. I am beyond pissed right now. I knew the password just couldn’t remember which letters were capitalized.
Tag: writing
living with disability
Been thinking how this is the umpteenth Saturday that I have been out of work and I have to say not working on a Saturday night is weird. I had worked nearly every Saturday since 1996, with the exception of when I had to take the day off for family functions or vacations. It sucks to be disabled and I still cannot believe how fast things went from sucky to downright horrible in four months. In four months, I went from working two jobs, to working none. After fourteen years of working at a major medical center in the heart of academia, I was done, finished due to chronic pain cause by a disc fragment the size of an almond pressing on my nerve roots. This didn’t happen overnight. It took ten years to progress to a condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), all due to the fact that after my foot drop, I never regained strength in my foot/ankle enough to walk like a “normal” person or at least the way I walked before this fragment wrecked my life forever. I still remember going to a physiatrist that my psychiatrist highly recommended, only to be told that there was nothing to be done. That I was to live my life as is for the rest of my life. That my foot slapping and weakness was never going to get better. I just wish that he took the time to give me some alternatives other than this. If I perhaps was put into an AFO (Ankle/Foot Orthotic) sooner rather than later, maybe the outcome would have been different.
I have been trying to work on a comparison paper for the past few weeks and have hit a road block. I don’t know where I want this paper to go and am stumped as to who to ask for help with it. It was my idea but the depression of last month kind of through me for a loop and I am now trying to get back to my writing. The hard part is that I think this paper sucks, or rather that my writing sucks, and I just can’t move forward on it. I lost whatever it is that I was thinking when I first wrote the paper and I just can’t get back into the groove. It is very frustrating. And having to deal with my ankle flaring up every night for the past three weeks has not been helping me. All I wanted to do today was work on this paper but after I read what I wrote I just felt defeated. I don’t know if there is any salvation in what I wrote. I do know that my own criticism of the paper is what is getting in the way. I think it is stupid and doesn’t have any merit, but then I think all my “good” papers are that way. Today I got a good review on my psychological pain paper that I wrote in college. I am still trying to work out how I can go back to school. I want to be able to finish my degree. I am just working very slowly to actually getting up the nerve and doing it. I just hope that I still have time for my credits to still be worth something. It has been four years since I left college due to a psychotic break. Talk about being psycho. Books, email, and the radio were “talking” to me. I was utterly convinced that every song on the radio had a hidden message for me, that all my emails were somehow going being linked to the biggest asshole in the hospital I worked at and he was going to get me fired. While I was reading books or papers, the words were “dancing” and speaking to me in different languages that only I could decipher. Not to mention the voices I was hearing and the paranoia I was feeling from the asshole. Then when the normal meds were still not working, I had to go into the hospital again to get things sorted out because I developed another delusion that a coworker was going to kill me. I was sincerely convinced that she was. But once my meds were on board and I had to take them, it made thinking difficult for me. I no longer could distinguish my thoughts from the voices and when things were silent, I just couldn’t function. I have been hearing voices since I was five years old. I learned to adapt to keep them a secret but when you take meds that are meant to control them, everything stops and you just cannot think. I had a hard time reading and writing. I found that I would read the same paragraph over and over and not comprehend what it was. Words lost their meaning. It was a very difficult time for me and so I decided that school was causing me a huge stress and had to be cut out. I just had to focus on my jobs and getting back to good. Unfortunately, this still hasn’t happened. But I am hoping that with me not working, I can finish my degree. I just am fearful that I will become psychotic again from the stress of deadlines and exams.
Taylor crazy…
My sister texted me tonight saying that my seven year old niece started getting upset because she called Taylor Swift’s dress ugly. Then her father said something else and she got more upset. After last night’s Entertainer of the Year award got handed to the wrong person, I have to agree. I was fricken so pissed that Miranda Lambert got picked over Taylor and Blake got picked over Jason Aldean. I mean come ON. Blake hasn’t even been on tour!! I am so disgusted that I don’t think I will watch another CMA awards show. They should just rename it the couple award as Miranda and Blake have won more awards together since they got married than any other individual singer and Miranda does not sing any good songs. The one good song was written by her husband and both of them were up on the stage for the first award. I should have known it was downhill from then on. Sure enough, when ever Blake or Miranda was nominated they won. I am sure if both were ever in the same category, I am sure there would be a tie and both would win. UGH. I just hate her because she married him.
Since the end of the Miranda and Blake awards show, I have been listening to Red, Taylor’s new CD. At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me. My new favorite song of hers is Last Time. I haven’t quite figured out why this song touches me so yet but I am sure when I do I will blog about it.
Been drinking gin tonight. I haven’t had Beefeater Gin since I was a teenager. I really missed the taste. I don’t know why I went back to drinking but I have missed it. I don’t usually drink because I know the effects are not particularly good when mixed with the kind of meds that I am on but tonight I just wanted a few sips.
I has been really boring since the end of baseball. I am kind of really sad that I have nothing to watch on Tv other than my regular shows. Even those I have to force myself to watch. I just don’t have interest in watching more than one program. Tonight I watched the rest of CSI and then called it a night. I have been itching to write but this is all that I have come up with…
Oh and if you didn’t already know, I love TAYLOR SWIFT…
Out of Spoons
“I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.”
This paragraph is taken from http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/.
I wanted to best demonstrate the issue of the spoon theory. Her friend started out with 12 spoons, much like I did today. And before she even took a shower she was down to 3 spoons.
I decided to change my bedding today and it took all the energy I had to do this. My depression, pain, and the weather has kept me inside the past few days. I was tired of sleeping in sheets that haven’t been changed in months. So I cleared off what was on my bed and slowly took the blankets off, then the sheets and pillow cases. There was 5 spoons in this effort alone and I still haven’t gotten through the day yet or put the clean sheets on my bed. After I struggled with my full sized mattress, I just laid on top of the bed and realized I had to get up again to get my laptop which was on my desk. Another spoon. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I hadn’t done anything but change my sheets. I had to rest. It sucks having pain and exhaustion all the time. I still hadn’t brushed my teeth or made myself something to eat and I was starving. I decided to order pizza and wings. I checked email and rested while the order came. After the food came, I really have no idea where time went. I know I saw my niece, ate, and what happened after that I guess no one will know. I don’t know if I watched TV or played more on the computer. To really put myself back some spoons, I decided to brush my teeth and take a shower. Now I am all out of spoons for the night and I still have not taken my night meds or emailed my doctor. My ankle is throbbing from standing in the shower for the ten minutes it takes for me to wash up. Ten minutes of agony. Another five minutes to brush my teeth and then I am out of the shower. I’m now up in my room under my clean sheets writing this blog and feeling like I am going to pass out. I didn’t do too much today. But it was a lot. Tomorrow I probably am going to pay for it like I usually do. Hopefully I will start off with at least 10 spoons for the day.
midnightdemons7 
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