Sunday Palindrome International Day 02022020
I am a number nerd. I don’t know how I became one, probably because when I was little I wanted to be a mathematician like the show I was watching that right now I cannot remember. It was a spin off of some detective cop show called Dragnet. The math show was called Mathnet and it was really interesting. I think it played for three seasons and then it was cancelled. I felt bad because I really loved this show. So today’s date, 02022020, is an International Palindrome because both US and Europe write today’s date the same way for the first time in forever.
I haven’t been able to find out if that little rodent called ground hog saw his shadow or not today. They always bring about the movie Ground Hog Day. It is a movie that I have not seen, mostly because I am not a Bill Murray fan. I did sort of like him in Ghostbusters. I tolerated his presence.
Today I was going to try and make room to have access to the alcove in my room. Only problem is that my foot and ankle bones are being crushed and hurt really bad. Some pressure fluctuations are going on and my foot isn’t liking it one bit. Pressure is 29.34 right now. I am going to keep track of it because this bone pain is horrific. I just want to die right now and I am wondering why I cannot act on my thoughts. It’s always a slippery slope. I feel like I should be in the hospital but with the catharizing and upcoming neurosurg appointment, I really can’t be in right now. I was feeling hopeful earlier as I sent off an email to my psychiatrist to see if she is still going to write a letter saying I can have top surgery. I really would like to have these suckers off in the fall of this year.
I was having a weird something going on last night. In this something I was imagining telling my therapist how I feel about her. It came out in a sarcastic tone and then it got serious and we spent time talking about whether or not to continue. I have developed feelings for female therapists for nearly every one of the 14 I have had. Only two were male in this psychotherapy stuff, not counting group therapy. My therapist is around my age (so she says). She is cute and funny and sarcastic as all hell. She also has a caring side but doesn’t show it that often, which annoys me. She doesn’t want me to depend on her and I get that but I really need to know that she cares or this is just not going to work. I understand she wants to work with “this population of people” but that isn’t the same as knowing you give a shit about me. I can’t work with someone who doesn’t care because I feel it is worthless trying to. I’ve had my doubts about her since the first day I met her. I just don’t know if she is the right one or not. Yes, it has been seven months we have been working together. There are qualities about her that I really like but if I don’t feel cared for, then I don’t think it is worth it. I’ve never had a therapist this straightforward before. She doesn’t tolerate my “I don’t knows”. Instead of saying, “yea you do” she will say think about it then answer whatever it is that she asked for. I am very quick to run away from my feelings and she knows this. Trying to stay with my feelings are so damn difficult. I want to feel blank most of the time because it better than feeling turmoil. She challenges me and I challenge her with my quick runaway from feelings. She always brings it back to me when I run away from something. Lately she has been catching on so will stop the maneuvering away and that is the roadblock. I will shut down and it is so hard to go back to that place I was just a few seconds ago. I will also do this while blogging. Feelings will come up and I will take a break by going on the internet for a long while then come back to the word doc and be like where the hell was I. It is then hard to get back into writing the blog because I lost the feeling for too long. I have been trying not to do this, to stay with it and keep focus like my therapist is slowly teaching me. But it is so hard because I always want to run away. I don’t want to feel.
I need a nap but I am not sure my pain will let me. It’s 3pm right now. If I get at least a half hour’s rest, I should be good. I really need to lay down as my back has been hurting as well. Not horribly so but just annoying. Also worries me because I think I am going to have back surgery. I think the pain meds have been blocking my back pain so I don’t know how bad things really are aside from the bladder issues. I am so damn nervous. I might be blogging about this all week so if you are a daily reader, now you know what is going to be written about every day this week or whenever I post my blog.