Author: Midnight Demon

Walked in to therapy feeling like I was walking in mud. Spent the 45 mins talking about my father’s death as this is Anniversary month in so many ways. Miss the bastard so much, even if he drove me crazy. Forgot my cc at home so wasted spoons trying to pick up meds. My legs are building up lactic acid and hurt so bad. Not going back out. I’ll go to pharmacy tomorrow. Fucking legs. And feeling like I was walking in molasses didn’t help. Going up the 4 houses to my street was a killer uphill. Now I’m just going to rest until Wed.

I forgot to take my meds this morning so just taking my daily meds not my BID ones as it is too close to when I take my night meds. I could wait but I choose not to. I’ve gotten in the habit of taken my night meds at 7pm so don’t want to vary from it.

I didn’t get anything to eat while I got my espresso. I still am not hungry, though I should eat. I tried a new cereal and I like it but my stomach doesn’t. It gives me a lot of gas as it has grains and fiber in it. Was not expecting that. It was my only meal last night. Thankfully it stayed in my stomach when I got a nausea wave from a pain spike. Having one right now. It started when I got off the bus. Some idiot decided to pass the bus while at a crosswalk and miraculously a cop caught the jerk. The cop was not happy about it as the car almost hit the pedestrian in the crosswalk. Made for interesting talk. Wonder how many violations he will be brought up.

I brought up my PTSD of trying to lay down. Therapist wants me to use a timer but they make me anxious so she said think about it between now and when we meet again. I usually have to turn on the sound machine (aka whisperer) to sleep. It usually knocks me out in twenty minutes but I tend to leave it on all day, thus making me sleepy and wanting of naps. I am debating taking one after writing this blog. My legs could use the rest. Just hope I don’t get cramps. I had my neurologist call in an anti-spasmodic med as I kept getting them in my feet. They were horrible. She gave me the smallest dose. I told her I was on 4 mg but there no longer is a record of it as I’ve been off it for more than a couple of years now. I stopped taking it when I got prescribe ativan. But ativan tends to make me sleepy so I try not to use it during the day. The med also causes drowsiness so either way I am going to be tired. I try to just take it at night. I might have to take one now as my damn foot is doing its dystonia thing. The muscles in my foot are shaking. Fuck and it is a little after 2pm right now (EST). I am hurting really bad. Going to be an hour or so before my extended release pain meds work. I took an immediate release when I got to the train station after therapy.

I want a steak but that would mean going out and that isn’t happening. If I had cash I could possibly bribe my nephew into picking me up one but he isn’t home and isn’t likely to be until tonight. I am glad he is still at the same job despite the stress it is giving him. Thankful he has found CBD oil works for his anxiety. Wish I could sneak some into my mother’s drinks for her pain. She still does stuff but unlike me, when she rests, her pain settles down. I flare up and I need possibly two days rest. Tomorrow I don’t plan on going out. I might go back to the pharmacy to get my med but it isn’t set in stone and I don’t need the med right now. It is my migraine med and I have a couple to get me through should I get one between now and then.

I wish my father wasn’t on my mind so much today. The fucker always creeps up on me when I least expect it. This week marks 29 years of therapy. Start when I was 15 after a traumatic night of deal with my father and then a second night of dealing with my cousin and my father getting into an argument. Weird that after all this time the depression stayed along with the memories of those nights. I wish I had a better method of killing myself back then. Maybe I wouldn’t be here if I did.

Therapist has a way of being passive aggressive. She said I could skip my appt and she wouldn’t call the cops yet she doesn’t advise me to do it. I have a double appt day when I see her next. A morning appt with urology and then I see her in the afternoon. I am hoping to get through a good chunk of the book I am reading done. Currently reading a book I borrowed from the library by Lawrence Block. It is probably the only Keller book I don’t have. I have the short story ones that have come out over the years. I like Keller because he is a stamp collector. I used to be one when I had money I could spend on it. I still have a portrait of Mexican stamps in a frame. I love it as it has fish and ocean. It is really pretty. I never got around to hanging it when I moved here. My walls are bare except for my “dance win repeat” Sox pic and calendar. When my room gets redone I will hang up the pics. I still have my Star Trek Enterprise wall poster to hang. Had a Dilbert one also but it got wrecked when we moved so I had to trash it.

Only plans I have for the evening is to eat something and to get my book and cup out of my bag. Cup needs to be washed and I would like to finish the chapter I am reading. Block made me laugh while I was on the bus. Still makes me smile when I think of the joke. He is a sarcastic bastard. He responded to my tweet the other day when I said I was reading his book and hoping it helps calm a flare. He said he wishes the same. We have corresponded a couple of times throughout the past few years. I sent him an email about how I found his books helped me during a trying time. He responded with “want to join my newsletter?”

I did not want to see my therapist this afternoon so I texted her at like 8 saying I would not be coming in. She asked because? I said no point. She said bullshit. I’ll see you later. I said it was hopeless. She said I’ll see you later. Right before seeing her I apparently sent her a meme and totally forgot I did because she brought it up. Guess the look on my face wondering what she was talking about clued her in that I wasn’t present when I did. Then she told me about the texts and I asked if they were suicidal in nature. Again I blanked. Then it hit me that Hyde has been around. Not sure about Jack but Hyde definitely has. So I had to explain who Hyde was. She said I had dissociative identity and I said yes. I really have been struggling with time and being present but it has been very difficult. That is when she told me I have grounds for admission but not committment. Fuck. She wanted me in the hosp. I told her I didn’t want that. She said I was deteriorating and becoming unstable. I needed to work with my psychopharm to get my meds to get control of the voices. I said wipe them out and she said yes. They were too dangerous right now.

My therapist put it all out in front and I was racking my brain on what to do to avoid an inpatient stay. At this point, as long as I don’t do something to harm myself or say that I will, I can avoid the hosp as there is no grounds for sectioning. I am on shaky grounds. I got 3 weeks before my surgery. I don’t want a 2 week stay inpatient before it. I am battling myself because I know I should go in but I also know my medical needs will not be met fully. Therapist thinks I can get admitted to the hospital where I see her but I’ve never been able to go there and my psych tried several times only for me to end up some place else. It is that some place else that keeps me from going in. I honestly don’t see how they are going to help me anyways as they haven’t been able to do that the last three times I was admitted. I just end up staying in my room because walking around the unit causes me to have flares and I don’t want that. So we are going to do some CBT stuff and meet twice a week if possible. The first thing for me to do is to learn how to breath through a straw. I have no idea why but I will try it. Then I am to blog throughout all of this so that is going to be a challenge. And then I just bought some coloring books and colored pencils to color for distraction from my emotions. She is going to try and get me to stay present with them a little longer so I am not leaving the second I feel them.

I left feeling like my soul had been exposed. She told me I was not well and far from being stable. Great. I knew she was right but I am having a hard time admitting it. I am too afraid of side effects to go up more on my meds. I don’t think meds are the answer. Maybe the voices need to be wiped out for a bit for me to get better. I don’t know.