Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Random thoughts past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Random thoughts passed few days

Thoughts from June 10th. Meant to post them but I got stuck…

I went to bed late as I was watching a TV series based on Neil Gaiman’s book, Good Omens. I watched the first episode. It helped with my pain as it was a good distraction. I plan on watching episode two tonight. I woke up around 930 when my med alarm went off. I took my meds then used the bathroom. The urine smelled and was cloudy. I just thought it was because it was the first void of the day. I went back to my room and tried to sleep. My sister sent me a text and it annoyed me. She was telling what to do. Sorry, I don’t listen to you. When I responded, she just said that I should put my stuff in the bin. Sorry, not happening. I never answered her text and then when she saw me after she came home from work, she didn’t say anything about what she texted me about. I didn’t either as I didn’t feel like fighting with her.

I had taken a nap around 1 pm and woke up at 3 pm. Again my urine was cloudy and smelled so I called my doc as I think I have a UTI. Hope it isn’t a bladder infection. I had trouble getting the urine out this morning as it was a weak stream. Not sure if I emptied completely. It is starting to worry me. I know since being home from the hospital I haven’t been drinking as much.

Thoughts June 12 2019

I’ve been sleeping most of the day. Yesterday was difficult. My pcp’s nurse got in touch with me and told me to drink cranberry juice even though I said I had a nerve injury so normal UTI symptoms do not happen with me. I got really mad and decided that after PT I would go to the urgent care down the street from me that is affiliated with my hospital.

Had my session with PT. I had to pee but knew if I did it would be hours to go again so held it. My PT said I had good range of motion in my ankle and graduated me to a heavier band for some of the exercises. She also gave me new ways to stretch my calf as I told her that has been the biggest son of a bitch the whole time I in the hospital. Every day I worked on it a little bit and every day it gave me grief. She said it could have been fatigued because of the walking around the unit and such. So after this and new balance exercises, I made a few more appts and left.

While I was in session the nurse called me, saying he spoke with my doc and my doc wanted me to have some tests done. Really?! No shit! I had them done and around 6 PM my results come in, 15 mins later my doc sends me a provider letter saying I have a UTI. I was waiting for the antibiotics to be filled at the pharmacy. By then, I was having blood in my urine and the pain was unreal. I don’t think I emptied my bladder because of the pain. I had to go three different times and blood was in the toilet and stuff, scaring the hell out of me. I was also having cramps which I wasn’t sure if it was due to bladder or uterus. A doctor friend it was most likely due to my pelvis being inflamed that the uterus was angry too. I felt better about that. I had gotten up the last time for the night and thank God I was wearing a diaper because I lost control of my bladder. I had taken an OTC urinary pain med. It makes the urine orange and it still is even though it has been more than 13 hours since my last dose.

I wanted to shower today but slept all day instead. I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am. Kept having weird dreams throughout the day. I missed a survey that was the 3 o’clock one. I just slept right through it. My sister called sometime around 5 and scared the shit out of me with her ringtone. It is Bon Jovi’s born to be my baby and it is fucking loud!
I went back to sleep after doing the 5 o’clock survey and finally got up around 7 when the next one came in. I wanted to take my night meds. I had already taken the T shot sometime around 2 am. I just had a hard time sleeping. Mostly because of bladder pain. It was also hot in my room so I couldn’t get comfy.

My psych rescheduled her appt with me for Fri. I don’t see her till Mon. I have a lot of appts next week (if this is a repeat, sorry). I have my new therapist appt next week, seeing the orthotic guy, and PT. Four appts total. I am going to be crushed.

No blog so here is…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

… is a pic of a cat looking like he is saying what!! Can’t get my thoughts out. Been a bad day with pain and think I have a UTI as urine really stinks. Hopefully I can see doc tomorrow

more thoughts on my blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

More thoughts on my blog

A reader emailed me and I thought about what she said. This is my blog and last time I checked, calling someone stupid wasn’t breaking any laws. So on this note, I have decided to keep my blog open, not password protected. If that monitor person wants to continue reading my blog, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do know that my stats seem to go up when I post so even if I don’t know who you are, I know you are reading.

I’ve had a horrible day so far. My middle sister has been cleaning my mother’s room. When I got out of my room to take a shower, she said that I had to go through my stuff so she can move her things there. I also had to move the stuff in the living room so she can also move her stuff there. I took my shower and found that the shampoo bottle that had a pump on it, she threw away because the bottle was empty. I was so fucking pissed. I called her an asshole and she got pissed. I don’t care. I am tired of her thinking she is the only person living here and has to make the house the way she wants it to be. I got really suicidal after our exchange. She just doesn’t realize how upset she gets me, like I don’t matter at all. Yesterday she left crap on the stairs, which made it hard for me to go down. I really don’t want to fucking fall and she doesn’t get that my balance is off. She also placed a bin right at the bottom of the stairway, which I kicked out of the way. I got so mad. I texted her, in a neutral way, and got no response. I have no idea if she has blocked me or what but every text I send her, she doesn’t respond to anymore. I sick of her shit. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. After the disaster of a family meeting via phone, I really don’t know how to get through to the dumbass. Yet she has the audacity of calling me selfish. Such a projection.

After my shower, I made something to eat. My foot started bothering me but I still did what I had to do. By the time I made it back to my room, it flared up big time. My foot and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I so want to nap as I have been up since 0630 but I really don’t want to. Will be hard to anyway as there is so much light in my room due to my window being open. I have a hard time sleeping when there is light in my room.

Never had a nap. Just had dinner with my mother. I made hot dogs and beans. My foot wants to fucking kill me. I hate it when simple things cause me pain. You think I was walking miles. Speaking of walking, I really need to get my AFO (ankle foot orthotic) adjusted as my foot keeps slipping. I think I have a bit of atrophy plus with the weight loss, I don’t think it is fitting right. I hate that I gained about 10 pounds while in the hospital, mostly because I was eating three meals a day, but they were huge dishes. I tried to eat a salad with chicken or just a turkey sandwich but it wasn’t always possible because I would forget to fill out the menu for the next day. Sometimes I would skip breakfast as they served eggs at least every other day and I don’t like them. I rather make it. I am just picky like that. The rest of the days they had French toast, which wasn’t bad but it was filling. Since being home, I have been having much smaller meals at least twice a day. Yesterday I just had steak and then a protein bar because I was in too much pain to go downstairs to make something. I forgot how painful stairs were.

I got to fill my med boxes for the week. The doc in the hosp increased the Lamictal and I think it has finally improved my mood somewhat. I kind of feel like what I was before I was in the pit of doom. I am just more tired and on a “day” schedule. I went to bed early, or tried to before pain kept me up till at least 1 am. Then I woke up around 630, only because I had to pee. I am glad I woke up because I leaked. Both my pjs and underwear were wet as I didn’t wear a diaper. I bought a much comfortable brief style while in the hospital because they didn’t have a good kind. I should have brought my own but didn’t think I needed them. Now I know better.

Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens came out the end of May. I got it free because I am an Amazon Prime member. I downloaded the episodes to my Kindle, but I still haven’t watched it yet. I keep meaning to but pain has been a chief distracter. Usually watching a movie or something helps but I don’t have the attention span lately. I can watch short videos and then I get bored if it is more than 10 minutes. I think the only thing I can watch for longer is the Rachel Maddow show. I haven’t watched it in a long while because it was just annoying me. She seems to say the same thing in three different ways over and over. Then she goes on only to come back to the original question or point. I had to take a break and haven’t watched since. Maybe I will watch one episode of Good Omens later tonight, if my pain doesn’t get worse after I do my med boxes.

thoughts on my blog, input needed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thoughts on my blog

I have been discharged from the hospital. I am paranoid that I am being monitored by someone at the hospital on what I write. I am not 100% positive of this because my stats views have gone back down to there regular numbers. Either way, it got me thinking about how to proceed.

For those that read my blog every day, I would like your input. You can give it to me via my contact page or if you want to leave a comment, that is fine too. If you are a close friend and follow me on other social media, feel free to contact me there as well. I am thinking of password protecting my blogs going forward but want my readers to read them. It would be the same password (unless I feel that it contains information that I only want some people to read. These posts would most likely be of suicidal nature that I don’t want to freak someone out and call the cops on me.)

Let me know how you feel about this. I know that my readership will most likely be down, but I need to do this because I still want this to be my outlet for my frustrated feelings, anger, and depressed thoughts as well as my suicidality, which is why I created this blog in the first place. I know I could just write some where else these “toxic” feelings but it is hard as this has been my source of support and some of it does help people in knowing they are not alone with chronic pain and depression and suicidal thoughts/feelings.

I have protected my posts on Twitter. I am not sure anyone can see them anymore. I know that people that follow me cannot retweet what I write. I really hated doing this but it will only be for a short while when I think I will be free from being monitored. I am really upset over this intrusion of my venting and it being used against me, like there are only nurses at this particular hospital and none of the other hospitals in and around Boston. This is how narrow minded this doctor was and he had the gall to call me a “Trumpian”. This angered me so damn much I had a breakdown after our meeting. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so angry and frustrated. One of the nice mental health workers came into my room to talk to me. She didn’t know exactly what was going on but tried to reassure me this didn’t affect future care at the hospital. I think it is so stupid. I emailed my psychiatrist, who probably just blew it off as me venting steam. I am not sure if the doctor emailed my psychiatrist and told her what I was writing. I would have filed a complaint but usually that doesn’t get anything changed. He was one of the higher ups so my complaint would most likely be thrown in the trash and my record possibly flagged as not to be admitted anymore at that hospital, which is fine with me.

The day before discharge, I had a meeting with my sister and social worker via the phone. OMG it was so fucking terrible. My sister basically verbally abused me. I won’t repeat what was said. I just felt like no matter how much I tried to tell her how much pain I was in and how I needed to recover afterwards, she didn’t hear me at all. She wanted me to go through my stuff while I was recovering from my appointments or anything else that caused my pain to keep me up all night and just stay in bed. I felt so horrible after the meeting which was the same day I was spoke to about my blog. I was just waiting for number three incident to complete the three’s. Thankfully it never happened. I was in so much pain though from being emotionally tapped out. Since I have been home, I have not seen my sister. She asked my mother if I was home but did not come to my room to even say hi to me and her voice toward my mother was kind of testy, like I didn’t belong here at all. I swear she is just like my bastard father. She called me selfish but that is just a projection. The social worker really understood what I go through at home. During the phone call, I wanted to hang up so fucking bad. I wanted to talk to my sister about her use of pronouns but I didn’t think it would be worthwhile. I had an agenda but it totally backfired as I just had to go through my stuff no matter what or how I feel. I really feel unwanted.

So for those reading along, please let me know if you would be willing to read my blogs that are password protected or if you just want me to write like I have been even though it might ruffle some feathers at the stupid hospital I was at.